Sex and the Ninja

Saturday Nights All Right

2010-08-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

Last night....

So Ross's GF has been away since Wednesday. Ross has been out every night since, often on his own, mainly just going to strip clubs and being a total degenerate.

Himself and Mal went out on Friday. Mal woke up Saturday asleep on his stairs, with no phone, no keys, no watch and no wallet. He managed to get back into his house where he immediately emailed me to go drinking... Being the good friend that I am I rush to his side in this hour of need!

We meet Ross at 3pm... we start on cider and migrate quickly to Rose, don't ask, and vodka and sodas. Ever since he got serious with his GF Ross has gone mad... He is trying so hard to be faithful but basically he just represses himself and then explodes in madness every few weeks.

At 6pm me and Ross go to grab food, we end up sitting beside these two chicks in the restraint... I begin sh!t talk. I remember I am patting to one girl on the head like a dog, scratching behind her ears telling her how good it feels to submit to her superiours... she agrees... Girls are AWESOME !!!! We take chicks to bar, meet Mal, start drinking Long Island Ice Teas and I lose memory... It's about 8 or 9.

Mal says at one stage in one of the bars Ross exclaims in pure joy "This is it Mal... This is the happiest I've ever been!!!! The crackling of fun, the sparkling effervescence of the drinks, the life, the girls all around!!! "

1am and I come to, me and Ross are in my place with our two lady friends and we are trying to get my room mate, who is baked out of his mind, to go to bed... I take the one chick to my room and she starts freaking out about her husband... Clearly she doesn't realise I am a scum-bag and couldn't care less... So I try a few manuevres here and there, nothing doing with this one, I rack my brains for the answer to this riddle and decide that some old fashioned caveman force is the best way to go... It wasn't. I know guys, WTF !?!?!

So we f*ck around there for a while, me getting nowhere. Then she wants to go... FFS. I mean this is the chance of a lifetime for this girl!!! What the hell is wrong with her? Anyhoo she breaks into the kitchen and tells her pal she wants to leave. Ross jumps up in unison with his sisters "Yeah! We're out of here!". LOL

I say f*ck it and go to sleep... Ross goes to theirs, bangs the one chick (he said he made her gag on his manhood). So while listening to this the other geebag decides she does want to get laid, tries to call me (to no avail I am unconsious), leaves a half hour message about wanting me to call over. But of course I am out for the count.

Now if there is something to be learned here its surely this... Always stay in until the end. No matter what!! I already knew that... Most of the time just being there at the end of the night will get you laid. Well I guess my handling of her trepidation about getting banged could have been better also, but hey...

When I meet up with the guys later, Ross said he went home after and has a wank even though his balls was killing him (or so he says anyway). Then he tells us he is going to ask his GF to marry him. Mal woke up in a random bar, on his own, asleep on one of the tables at 6am... I watched a lot of porn and rued my missed opportunity... Oh Well !!!!

Whales baby !!!

2010-07-11T10:39:00.001-07:00

Its Friday...

We hit for Wales! Ross, Mal and myself set off like a pack of wild dogs, blazing a trail of awesome in our wake!

We get hammered on the train, get shitfaced in some bars, talk to some hideous chicks, get tossed from some strip clubs (Ross's fault), all get lost independently in the middle of Cardiff, somehow make it back to the hotel... All bodies accounted for in the morning... Day 1 is stamped and approved!! OH YEAH BABY !!!!

Saturday

12 bells and we start drinking.... by 2pm we are on double rounds. There are a surprising amount of people in this bar. There are a ton of old chicks and they are giving Ross the eye. They can sense we are about to get plastered and start to circle in on him.

I decide I want no part of this. But whats this behind us ?!? Chicks 2x, they are young and soft and supple and hot. I start a yakking !!! I have no idea what I am talking about other than sex... I am talking absolute filth to these chicks. I am talking about choking chicks out when I bang them and one chick trying to strangle me unconscious. Mal jumps in, he takes up where I left off...

I focus on the one, the less cute of the two, I am talking so much filth that this poor innocent girl begins to buckle... I can see it in their eyes, she needs to be put out of her misery... She tries to playfully punch me. I grab her arm and drive it up behind her back (not enough to actually her weirdos). I pull her in close to me in a violent motion... She tries to kiss me... I push her back. Game on boyeeeeeeeee !!!

I tell her to come outside for some fresh air... She comes, the I just walk her to my hotel room and bang the life out of her. Its 5pm, I am awesome. 1 hour later Mal arrives into his room with the other chick... He is awesome!!!

At 7pm we managed to reconvene. So off we went to the strip club... What a wonderful way to top off a wonderful day. Unfortunately we were met with quite the shock when we got to the strip club...

Bouncer: "Hey, YOU, *pointing to Ross* you must be joking if you think you are coming in here again after what you did last night!!"

Us: *shocked for half a second* "Where's the nearest bar?"

Bouncer: *Points up the street*

Us: *Run to nearest bar*

So we barge in the door of this bar... We start on the shots immediately. Mal starts talking to two chicks... These two are not the best to be perfectly honest... I don't care. Ten minutes later one of them is jacking me off in the bar and Mal is kissing the other. Ross is in the DJ box OBLITERATED.... I lost memory here...

Great day :D

I think I might...

2010-07-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

Start posting here again...

Going out and getting laid is not top of my to do list at the moment. In fact these days I am pretty decent now and don't tend to have much of a problem getting laid when I feel like it...

Hows ever there are still some funny happenings taking place so I might as well post em up!

Stay tuned you f*cks! :)

Lately I've been...

2009-08-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

1.) Keeping pretty quiet, what with the inflationary depression we are in and all.

2.) Banging chicks off match.com, once you meet them its just toooooooooo easy. Need to work on getting my meet percentages up though.

3.) Being awesome.

4.) Watching too much porn, may have to ban this actually...

5.) Growing a magnificent goatee, its electric copper in color. Like the golden fleece only its kind of ginger !

6.) Leaning lots about economics.

7.) Playing Street Fighter 4, may have to ban this also

8.) Playing guitar.

9.) Honing my jiu jitsu skills.

10.) Being awesome.

The End!

Readers Letters

2009-08-08T15:25:00.001-07:00

Word up amigos!

I've been sick the last week and a half... Not like proper dying sick but like really shitty and just sick enough not to be able to go training or do anything useful! Boooo ! Oddly enough this affliction came upon me just as I grew an AMAZING goatee! I am now convinced that the AMAZING goatee has drained me of all my precious resources and shattered my immune system. I tried to fix this last Saturday by getting SMASHED... Oddly enough this didn't work and here I am.

So as seen as I am not doing anything else I will take this time to answer a couple of questions I had in the post that CJ linked to... The one about blondzilla.

Without further ado

Bolo said...

I'd like to hear more about the pre-sex speech and what frames you set up.

Sometimes before you skedaddle back to your place these chicks seem to come to their senses and realize they are about to go home with a stranger, I think you could refer to this as "going out of state". They kinda pull back a little bit so basically if you detect that just tell them that nothing is going to happen that she doesn't want to happen. My exact words are usually.

"Look, nothing is going to happen that we both don't want to happen... I like you... Let's go."

These are the major frames. I don't really set them up as such, they are already there, I just focus on them the most.

1.) I am awesome

2.) She likes me

3.) I like her, she is fun and friendly

4.) She is sexy and she is trying to corrupt me

5.) She is awesome for some other reason, for instance blondzilla was super smart

6.) I can't take it anymore, she has corrupted me and now she is going to get it

The most important one and over all theme is that she is SUPER horny. Either I step up and make this happen or her poor hairbrush is going to coochville avenue once again.

pick up artist said...

Connor it's great to see you're making progress but there is something brash about your writing. I suggest you work on making your lifestyle a bit more attractive to prevent all this 'resistance' you're getting. If you work on this enough, it'll be the girl that's trying to push you into the cab.

FUCK YOU! BRASH MY ASS !! I dunno I think the resistance I got here was pretty normal... She is just about to go home with someone she met about an hour ago. I would be worried if she had no emotion calling her in here.

Anyway, great read.

Thanks

Anonymous said...

Previous poster, plz stop talkin like that. Well done Connor. He basically had a bit confidence, pushed through all the bullshit and fucked the girl. All the rest is a load of bollocks. Nice one man! ;)

Thanks dude! YEAH pick up artist that THAT! How dare you cast aspersions upon my endless brilliance!

Shake it easy Dudes !

Who am I?

2009-06-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

Here is a conversation I had with Mal the other day on msn. Its interesting I feel and some important ideas (to my mind at least) were brought up. Mainly about giving ourselves identities and the futile nature of the rationalized self image. Started with Mal saying that he is generally passive and citing examples...

===================================================================

Mal : i dunno.....generally not.....if on a wkd urself or Jake etc don't want to go out....ill just say...fair enough and see if the other lads are around...and do whatever they do......its rare I'm the organiser........

I noticed this when Annie gave out that i never went out with her....i was like WTF......but because she'd never suggest anything, we never did anything....cos id just go along with whatever...and if nothing was suggested id go home

Actually for future reference I've noted that because in a relationship, to keep the balance right, as the guy, you have to be more assertive and organise stuff.

Connor: Now I don't want to disagree with you here however I will say this. I think giving yourself an identity out of things you have done is the path to the dark side *oh the terror* !!!

Like your kinda giving yourself a self image to live up to. I mean if we take the last trip to Spain you were the one organising everything! I remember the last night me you and Jake were out you dragged us all into ferns and none of us were making any shapes to do anything. I don't keep track of these things but there are LOTS of examples of this I am sure and you could just as easily take those examples and say "I have much more get up and go than any of the rest of the lads"!

Mal: possibly....I'm not always in the background

Connor: its all subjective and I personally think its not in our best interests to make rationalised identities out of past actions

Mal: But i am passive....more so than lets say you or Ross would be

Connor: That's your conscious mind saying that.

Mal: true

Connor: I would have said I am more passive than you. Things are what they are. Sometimes you do things, sometimes you don't. If you start making an identity out of some your past actions you'll end up acting that way all the time.

Mal: true

Connor: Its all in your head like. We're all guilty of that. Ross is a perfect example... He pure just goes and makes up stories when there is a contradiction between what he has done and who he thinks he is.

Personally (not that I f*cking know anything really) I try to keep that to a minimum... Cos you are what you do, not what you think. The more you start thinking you are a certain way the more you will act that way and its more than likely based on nothing but faulty rationalisations. Then when you do something to contradict that you'll just give yourself a headache from all the cognitive dissonance.

Here is a good example. Back in Uni I told myself I was the type of guy who didn't show off right away to girls but as they got to know me more I would show them more of my personality <- I used to tell myself that. lol. complete nonsense! I was just shyte socially and rationalised out that little piece of brilliance so I had a good excuse.

Mal: yes but Connor...if i don't blame everybody else for what happens when I'm out, I'm left with the possibility that i might be somewhat responsible for what happens and that some of it may in fact actually be my fault....and that's just a ridiculous scenario!

Connor: LOL

Mal: So I'm going to keep on blaming everyone else and live happily ever after

Connor: I find you can get around that by shifting blame to your subconscious

Mal: Is my subconscious called Crazy Horse?

Connor: LOL! I don't think CH has a conscious. He just does stuff! Its mad though. Its like the logical me who thinks about stuff and then the animal me that actually does shit. The logical me just watches what happens and then goes "f*ck me... that was cool/ terrible, I wonder why i did that"

===============================================================================

If you look at something like the framing that CJ does, it follows a similar mechanism. You get the girl to give herself and identity out of something she has done in the past. Early in the interaction this may be that she is very friendly and laid back and about five minutes later it will be that she is very sexual.

I try my best not to do that to myself because the truth is we have no idea what we are doing, its pure subconscious behaviour patterns based on evolutionary benefits. When you rationalise it you will always try to make yourself seem nice and in control. We are but imperfect apes, we are afraid of the dark and we are afraid to die. We want to pass on our genes and we want our genes to survive. We are so lucky that we have a logical mind also, if we just use it to lie to ourselves its just a waste. Just try your best not to hurt anyone and have fun, you only live once.

If you're interested, these are some of the books that made me draw this conclusion

The selfish gene
The red Queen
Tricks of the mind
How your mind works
The Blank Slate

I love in the Derren Brown clip where poor Judy is trying to rationalise why she picked 'A'. A for Awesome!

The attack of Blondzilla !

2009-06-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

OK douches, let me set the scene

Myself, Jake, Mal and Ross all out rampaging through town like a hurricane of brilliance! We are all pretty toasted and find ourselves in a late bar. The time is 1am.

In walk the barmaids from our favourite bar! Then are on us immediately... COOL! They fucking love us for some reason. I am wearing a pretty faggoty top and they are all accusing me of being gay!? Can you believe it!? Well I strongly I disagree

"Look since when does fucking guys doesn't make you gay?!" I actually had a whole comedy routine about that but I digress...

Anyway I have no fucking clue what we were saying to them but somewhere in the haze of giggling and nonsense I spot her. Standing 6' 3" in heels, long blond hair and sexy secretary glasses... Blondzilla!!

Over I go, yak yak yak and all of a sudden we are sitting down on a couch and I am complimenting her on how smart she was. Then I told her I thought she was sexy and she should get away from me. Some time later I suggested we go back to my place to watch wedding crashers. Some serious resistance before getting into the taxi but I basically pushed her in and told the taxi driver to go! Had to give the whole "Look nothing is going to happen that we both don't want to happen bla bla bla" speech, this speech is quite effective in disapating negative feelings about the pull actually.

So into Chateau Connor we go... Of course I don't even own wedding crashers so we convened in my room to watch some video on youtube. Pushed her onto the bed and made out some. Stopped watched the video and slammed blondzilla back on the bed. She was towering over me. Pretty funny. Well Guess what!? I encountered a mountain of resistance to sex! Earlier in my career I would have gotten frustrated, pushed too hard and fucked it up... However after the previous nights revelations I was just thinking to myself.... "Well this chick is horned out of her mind and basically its a battle between me and her fucking hair brush so the odds are definitely with me, I am just going to wait this one out until she breaks"

And I am glad to say after a quick nap she did... and all of a sudden transformed in a Wild Cat of sexual desire! Lots of fun for Connor... yay!

She was actually a really cool girl too. Had a good laugh with her the next day... Didn't bother calling her again. Don't know why really, just couldn't be arsed I suppose.

Watching Star Wars here now (the old ones not the catastrophic nonsense that was the prequels). The story at its core revolves around a central character, Luke. Due to some seemingly random events a whole galaxy of wonder, adventure and possibility opens up in front of him. Love movies like that. Sometimes I kinda feel like that myself. Life is fun.

Connor

The "I have never" game!

2009-06-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

So in order to take this game malarkey to the next level and what not I've been going out on my own lately. I highly recommend this to everyone! The hard part is making yourself leave the house but after that its all gravy!

So I was out on my own there Friday two weeks ago. The area I go to is kind of a hipish but not super crowded area and all of the bars close at 12 (which is awesome as I can go training the next day). Well I wandered into this bar restaurant place to warm up and get the palaver juices all nice and lucid! I spot chick sitting by her own... Over I go! BOOM disaster. Next one! Two chicks outside... BOOM they love me and invite me in to have drinks at their table with their flatmate. Rock and Roll !

So while in there they suggest playing this game called the "I have Never" game. Here are the rules...

1.) The game travels around the table clockwise in direction

2.) The nominated person makes a statement which may be true or false starting with the words "I have never.... ".

3.) Anyone who has actually done the previously suggested statement must drink a shot (this includes the person who suggested it if they have done it)

An example might be "I have never knocked one out in work" so anyone who has done that must do a shot... Here are some of the things the girls drank shots to

Penetrating oneself with ones toothbrush (All admitted to this one)
Penetrating oneself with ones hairbrush (All admitted to this)
Having anal sex until one bled (Two here)
Having sex with more than one person (Two of them did this)
Masturbating in work (Only one here)

There was fucking worse shit than that which isn't even safe for this blog and I was sitting there thinking to myself "Holy fuck! Chicks are depraved !! AWESOME!!!". You see, I now understand, they are fucking horned up out of their minds for the most part! Remember that everyone, it will serve you well. Like, of course, I've heard people like CJ yak on about this before but there is nothing like first hand information.

Those particular ladies invited me to a party they were having the next night but I got laid elsewhere that night and hence didn't go. So stay tuned fuckers! Write up to follow!

This is the summer time!

2009-05-25T14:24:00.000-07:00

The weather in London is kick Ass right now and although I expect that to last for about ZERO more days(approx) everything is coming up Milhouse .

1.) I am out chasing girls lots again, have curtailed my drinking to a reasonable extent and am flush with a renewed awesomeness (although suffering from quite a whack of AA)!!

2.) Ross is studying for some actuary exams or something so I am (almost) free of his (very) bad (yet very fun) influence.

3.) Mal broke up with his GF a few weeks back and is actively on the pull again .

4.) Right now, Jake is on something of a roll and has slept with 2 new girls in the last 2 weeks taking his tally since he moved in to 6, which is actually quite a lot considering he has about as much game as a flock of useless! One of the girls came down to the flat a few nights back and accosted him with a fine selection of dildos, lube and some shit I never even heard of that you place on your Bernhard Langer that has some vibrator attached to it or some shit. AWESOME!

Of the 6 girls, 1 has been from cold approach.

The 4 of us were out together again Saturday for the first time in forever and to cut a long story short Jake railed one of the barmaids out of our favourite watering hole... The fiend!

I also got laid that night and I will write up the details in the next few days...

Peace out hombres...

Connor Visits Crazy Horse Part Deux

2009-05-19T10:29:00.000-07:00

Day 3

Right, so after the day of rest taken on the second day we were ready to rock and roll once more! To celebrate this glorious day of holy gloriousness Crazy Horse took some brownies. Then he broke the brownies and said...

"Take this all of you and eat it, for all of ye who eat this brownie shall be very stoned"

And so all the disciples took the brownies and ate it.

After this Crazy Horse took some beer and he blessed it. He said

"Take this all of you and drink it"

And so all the disciples took the beer and they drank it and then watched some seriously awesome kung fu movies.

No I usually don't engage in much THC based revelry and brownies are indeed a tricky beast... You see they don't kick in for a few hours... I didn't know that and although I am sure crazy horse was well aware he didn't care and we stuffed our little faces full of the nutritious brownies.

Cut to a few hours later and I am baked out of my fucking mind. We were in some bar and Crazy Horses pals were trying to talk to me but I was just sitting there staring at the table. I remember trying to talk to girls but I can't... Its like they're there and I'm there and words were coming out of my mouth but there was nothing there... Then me and crazy horse fell asleep in a bar and that brought day 3 to an end

Day4

Up bright and early at 10am... Immediately we down shots of bushmills hit the old rock band and begin a day of drunken mayhem. I don't know what happened next but we did end up in some German bar where myself and crazy horse down a couple of 2 litre boots... Next thing we are in some bar and crazy horse is trying to make me drink the elixir of PDP (rum and red bull)... Thank fuck I meet this cute maths teacher and make haste out of there with her waking up in staten island the next day!

And off home with me! Thank fuck!

Clearly the moral of this story is that if you teach a man to fish he will always see a stitch in time!

Connor Visits Crazy Horse Part 1

2009-05-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Day 1:

I arrive into NYC at 19:00. Myself and Crazy Horse, both being of sound, mind decide that we should take it easy on the first night so we rock up to Crazy Horses Local... Details of events are vague but this is what appears to have happened.

After drinking somewhere in the region of 10 pints and 12 shots I am on top of the bar trying to access the taps and hug the barmaid (who is a monstrosity). Crazy Horse has fallen asleep on the bar and his pal Eddie is trying to wake him up.

I get into a heated argument with this absolute bitch of an old lady from Ireland, called Maeve, about genetic replication and natural selection as a catalyst for evolution. The argument went something like this.

Maeve: It's really nice to meet someone from Ireland over here! So where at home are you from Connor?

Connor: Look Meave how else do you explain whats happening with Swine Flu and other viruses?

Maeve: Where?

Connor: No it happens at the genetic level!!!

Maeve: What are you talking about?

Connor: EVOLUTION Maeve! EVOLUTION!!!

I showed her.

After sharpening my debating skills it decided it was time for a round of those things Charlotte drinks in Sex and the City. And sure enough the Barmaid is obliging! I skull down mine, delicious! Crazy Horse throws a shot of Jameson into his, takes a sip, then looks at the barmaid like someone had kicked him in the balls.

"I'm not drinking that... It's DISGUSTING !"

Before he finished his sentence I fired it down the hatch and tried to get behind the bar once again.

Next thing I am told is that I was outside throwing garbage cans down at basement apartments as crazy horse is hurling his guts out.

Sometime after this I have my first clear memory of the night. It involves me dangling from a 6ft cast iron spiked fence around a old church by one of my pant legs. Crazy Horse had bounded over the thing, with what to my drunken mind looked, like a Gazelle. Next thing I know two local police are on the scene!

Policeman #1 : "What the hell is going on here? This is private property !"

Crazy Horse : ..... (Crazy Horse had slipped into what appeared to be some sort of standing coma)

Connor : (As I dangled from this fucking fence, my favourite jeans torn to shit) Yeah... I tried to take a short cut. It didn't work.

Policeman #1 & #2 : LOL

Crazy Horse: PIZZA !

Once Police man lifted me up by the free leg and the other one unhooked me. Then the sent us on our merry way! BOO YA!

If there is a lesson here somewhere its that when dealing with police... always agree with them and make it look like you are a harmless idiot (which in my case is pretty easy).

Day 2 was actually quiet after the madness of the night before and doesn't contain any wisdom for your greedy little minds! Day 3 and 4 I'll write up soon...

In need of love and attention

2009-04-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

Your favourite blogger is currently laid up sick.... Watching Lord of the Rings and playing GTA 4. Being sick sucks very hairy balls.

All together now... Everybody say awww.

Please feel free to comment and tell me how sorry you feel for me!

Quick update

2009-04-07T14:59:00.001-07:00

Righto,

Had Comedy gig number two on Monday. Fucking Rocked! Just been watching the video of it now and I was pretty fucking good.... Not amazingly good, but pretty good! Lots of room for improvement but its a serious rush when it goes well. Boo ya!

Oh and after the gig a couple of chicks basically dived on me. Hopefully should be meeting one of them soon to fuck her senseless.

In other news....

Jake is quite possibly queer. He appears to be in love with a friend of his... It is very weird and extremely funny at the same time.
The bank of Mal has gone completely bust... While we were SHITFACED a week back some dude stole his bank card or some shit and cleared out 4K from his account... Ouch!
Ross is now in love with his GF and is not even trying to hide it! Shocking eh? Good for him though... She is a great girl!

Connor out!

Yo Yo Yo

2009-04-05T15:41:00.001-07:00

So I didn't bother posting Wednesday.... Primarily because I was too fucking lazy. Yeah that's right! I was feeling lazy! How do you like those apples?

So the Comedy thing last Tuesday was a fucking disaster! I swear to fuck tumble weed hit me at one stage... I have cycled through blaming the compare, the fact that it was more a restaurant than comedy club, Jesus (because he is a cunt) and the crowd themselves for not understanding true genius.... What ever it was it certainly wasn't my fault. Yes exactly, that would be impossible!

Next one is tomorrow so lets see how that goes!

My date from Wednesday flaked, the she flaked again today. Booooooo to flakes!

My game appears to have gone to complete fuck and I am kinda sick of going out too. Kinda of a slow patch for me right now. However, fret not gentle reader. I intend to fix that in the coming weeks!

I am watching Alien here now and then I am going to bed to dream rock and roll dreams.

Uh oh!

2009-03-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

Hey Fuckbags!

I know I know... I haven't been posting much as of late. But hang in there boys and girls... I'll be back soon! Been super busy with Jiu Jitsu, comedy and a very dodgy internet money making scheme for the last few weeks.

In fact I'm making my stand up comedy debut tomorrow night and I've been working on material for that in my spare time lately. On the plus side though I am pretty sure I am now the most hilarious man EVER!! But on the negative side my wrap is gone to fuck. I think its because my stand up style is very much different to the cocky playful attitude that works well with girls.

Although in saying that I do have a date (well supposedly cos she flaked on my Sunday) with the tallest girl in the world! This big fucking tall blonde thing, which is pretty funny as I am only 5'8". Can't wait to figure out how this is going to work!

Anyhoo the point of this is that I am fucking nervous about this comedy tomorrow! And like, I wasn't expecting to be nervous until tomorrow evening. Fucking fiddlesticks on it anyway. I don't like being nervous!

It's like you know when you were younger and you were really crazy about some girl but you don't know if she likes you. Like you'd text her and in the time until she replies you feel fucking sick with nervousness. Well I feel like that right now...

I'll post Wednesday to say how it goes.

Peace out muachahos!

Back in the day

2009-03-15T16:25:00.001-07:00

Sitting at my computer with the most severe hangover in quite some time... I am coming out in cold sweats and my head is fucking POUNDING. The sweet sweet sounds of the Scorpians is now the only thing that is providing me with any relief here. I'd write about last night but I have no idea what happened. The only things I know for sure is that I smashed my iPhone and I have a very strange feeling of guilt.

Well I was going through old files on my tomhooter here and I found my old "Game" diary which would be almost exactly a year old now. Reading back on some of this shit, its pretty funny. I don't keep one of these anymore but I am thinking I should really.

Here are a couple of entries from late Feb 2008... Back then I was happy to open a set of people and have them hook (basically not weird them out and have them want to talk with me more).

================== Fri =======================

# Sets: Like 9 or 10

This was funny enough actually. I tried to do like as many two sets as possible. Here is the one that sticks out.

Ok so I waltz over to this 2 set and start up. I attempt to merge them back with the group I was hanging out with when all of a sudden it turned into a 4 set. So no bother I went to work on the other two and brought them all over to my friends. Now here i pawned off the original 2 on my friends and start qualifying the second 2 girls

Basically I qualified them both, but using opposite girl to tell me cool things about the other... Each girl is wrapped around either side of me at this stage and they are both all over me. I'm parading them around the club role playing and shit. I tell them I am going to marry the two of them and we will all love each other etc... Now I couldn't really figure out which one I wanted to be with more and although they were both in state I really would have needed slow it down and SOI them properly. But something else kinda creeped into my mind so I kiss one of them... then I kiss the other one... then I get them to kiss each other and then we do a three way make out.... LOL Never did that before, it was awesome!!!

When I started paying attention to one more than the other one of them got fucking jealous or something and dragged the other away... I actually number closed one of the original girls from the set then and was into comfort with her when one of the 3way make out girls comes over and drags her away... then they all left, balls!

- By the way subsequent photo graphical evidence showed that these girls were all fucking hideous!

================== Sat =======================

# Sets: Probably over 30

Being that it was my birthday during the week myself and my flat mate decided to celebrate by getting absolutely OBLITERATED!! We drank a bottle of Jim Beam and then a bottle of scotch and worked ourselves into a frenzy by listening to Micheal fucking Bolton and bonnie Tyler and then watching old skool.

I went out like an unstoppable cyclone of raw machismo. I was completely demented and must have done around about 40 sets or so, however I havn't the faintest idea what happened so it didn't serve me much use...

I was informed by one of the lads that I was going around licking girls faces and randomly smacking them on the ass, lol. Its been alleged that I used the opportunity to work on my polemics and got myself into one or two heated debates with random dudes. There was one guy whose girlfriend threw a drink on me, LOL!! I supposedly just started laughing at her... Clearly in my mind I was operating with complete and utter impunity.

Today I had the worst hangover of my life, the agony I felt this morning was incredible. Right now i have a pain in my fucking eyeball. I'm going to bed, I swear I can still taste the the Jim Beam.

=====================================

As you can see from that second story I am developing very well as a person and not making the same mistakes more than a couple of hundred times or so... ha

In other news I am going to the doctor tomorrow to see that the craic is with me auld knee. Starting to feel a bit better so hopefully its nothing too serious. Should be back in action with new stories for everyone come Thursday!

Blame it on Rio part 2, yet another short story by Crazy Horse

2009-03-13T04:43:00.000-07:00

Strap yourseves in and feel the Gs fuckbags!

=====================================

I’ve been to Brazil numerous times but I learned after the first time, bjj training was for the asexual among us, real men go to party. This trip I by-passed the training and nearly killed myself n the process. This time I brought my buddy Nestor with us. He is a fashion photographer who has no problem picking up chicks but there is something magical when he breaks out the camera. He can make anyone look amazing and after a few clicks we generally have a line of women posing.

This trip brought no calm before the storm. I meet some of my friends at a Bodega turn bar/rodizio at night with plastic chairs and tables outside on the warm night. My Brazilian buddy had just broken up with his girlfriend and in the mood to party hard so he broke out a bottle of scotch to kick off right. Nestor breaks out the camera and soon we have 10-20 girls joining us. We take some names and numbers leaving promises to meet up later as we decided it was time to hit the club.

Susio tells us we are going to the hottest club in Rio and by this point I am pretty bent. When we arrive the line to get in is a mile long, literally. “Don’t worry, my brother” He tells me “we’ll talk to the guy at the door.” Our crew, then twenty deep and mostly professional fighters, pushes our way through the line to the front. I actually felt a little bad but then again these guys were the locals so when in Rome… As it turns out, they don’t actually know the guys at the door and what they meant by “talk” was run over. We bum rush our way inside and scatter to the four winds until the ruckus dies down. At this point, I think it is a good idea to keep a low profile so I start chatting up some chick at the bar comparing tattoos when a waitress comes by with a tray of shots in test tubes. Keeping with the ninja persona I’ve taken on I decide to purchase the whole tray, stand up on the bar stool and start throwing them out to everyone. It is actually quite difficult to spend $300 on alcohol in a bar down there but not when you pull this same stunt three more times.

By then the jet-lag and the booze are taking their toll. Mentally I have checked out but physically I danced on for hours. The light turned back on in my head sometime around 3AM when I realized I was in a conversation with some chick named Bianca. Blah, blah, blah… I’m a musician…. Blah, blah, blah… I’m having a BBQ tomorrow. A BBQ? Hey, can I get in on that? Baby, that’s why I am telling you. So I take the number and move on. I may have mauled her too but I am sure I probably did during the blackout anyway. On the ride home, I can’t remember what she looked like and I was sure her musical ability laid along the lines of Zamphir the Pan Flute so I decide not to call her.

Next Night is the big one that I’ve been waiting for, the Chemical Rave in the Tijuca forest. This was insane. Nestor (camera in tow) and I are there and hit the scene like VIPs. I am downing vodka and red bull and am already tweaked on weed. Tony Manero had nothing on me as I danced up a storm with too many chicks to remember. At one point I ended up on a Brazilian television program filming the rave. There were thousands of people, grinding everyone. Among this mass I happen to run into Bianca I blew off earlier. Damn, she was hot. I threw a bunch of “Babies” and “I called you but I can’t figure out the area codes down here”, enough to set up a meet and greet the next day.

We move on and I am back on the hunt. We have settled into the VIP section which has a raised dais with mattresses and couches, no joke, and at this point have pulled a few of the models working the event. It was later I would realize that having a camera always with us was a double edged sword. It attracts chicks but it leaves a trail of evidence. I pick up one of the girls and throw her on the couch approaching her like an Aztec sun god. Forgetting all around me I proceeded to rail the shit out of her. Needless to say, thanks to Nestor, I will never be able to run for public office (outside of Vegas).

Eventually, the sun comes up and we party on until noon. It was then I realized that I had no sun screen and if we didn’t get moving I would die. I convince the chicks to drive us home. That was a surreal moment in the trip. Here I am in this chick’s car, she barely speaks English and I just generally want to get away afterwards. I can’t help but look at them after and think I can’t believe what you just let me do to you. That couldn’t have been comfortable for you. It is then that this chick’s son calls her and for some unknown reason puts me on the phone with him. All I can mutter is “And what is your name? Are you doing well in school? Did you know your mother could put both legs entirely behind her head?” Luckily, I make it back to the hotel room with only a minor bit of shame.

Now what to do with the musician? At this point I don’t want to see her. I assume this is definitely some classical music BS. I decided once again to drag Nestor along. Bianca as it turns out is the lead guitarist in an all-girl Brazilian punk band and was once again hot as hell. I have the memory of a dog and soon as a chick is out of sight and out of mind I assume the worst. Now I am digging this and am ready to lay the smack down on any dude that come near her and her too for the hell of it. Problem is that I’ve slept a total of five hours in three days. That’s like trying to get an erection at a Weight Watchers convention. Even in the best of times a guy needs a little help and thank god we have our top scientists focusing on what matters flaccid penis syndrome and male pattern baldness. Fck cancer! I pop a few like M&Ms Nestor and I take Bianca and the bassist back to their apartment and I don’t leave for another week. Once again missing my flight home and calling work to say I lost my passport and couldn’t leave the country.

D'OH

2009-03-12T06:43:00.001-07:00

OK well I did almost none of the things I said I was going to do on that list, lol. But in fairness to me my fucking knee is completely shot from BJJ.

... Queue massive moan

So I did it Monday last week. It all got swollen up and shit but I just thought it would be fine in a few days. I kept going training even when it wasn't good. I didn't fight or anything, just did the techniques. I was also doing a little day approaching. Not much.... but a little. Well guess what, its not fucking better and now I am depressed. I am taking the next 2 days to do nothing. Going to see the doctor now on Monday too. Hopefully I will be ok by then anyway.

Today I am going to leave work early, go home, make myself some soup and feel sorry for myself. Should be good.

Did I mention I am in a depressed mood?

Oh and in other news I have booked flights out to see Crazy Horse for 5 days at the start of May. Hoping to convince Mal to come along too.

The Next 10 days

2009-03-06T07:10:00.000-08:00

Right,

I am pretty much working solo for the next 10 days! None of the lads are around. Insubordination is what this is. Mal is staying in all this weekend and next weekend he is going off to Edinburgh. Ross is travelling to New Orleans tomorrow where he intends to become a porn star ( Yes, you read that right... I'll write up more on this later). He won't be back until the week after next. Jake is broke he reckons... although he is probably just suffering from shame after having sex with the Riddler the week before last. I absolutely HATE going out on my own... but by PDP I must do it!

I have done sweet fuck all charming as of late. Literally I think last saturday was the only time I've done anything in over 2 weeks.. shocking stuff. Anwyay here is the plan of action. I invite you all, now, to bask in its effervescent glory.

Today: Going out with Dutch girl

Tomorrow: I rounded up one of the lads from work to head out with me

Sunday: I have a blind date which my good friend, drunken Connor, set up for me last saturday. No idea what this chick is like but she is probably heinous. If she is even semi decent I will give her a blast. Chances are low though as my drunken self's standards are not very high.

Monday: Training.

Tuesday: Stand up class. However, I vow to go out on my own after this for at least an hour. If I do not may PDP eat a thousand Christian babies.

Wednesday: Training.

Thursday: Training BUT I will be finished by 9pm so again I promise to myself and every fan of sex and the ninja that I will go out and talk to girls on my own!

Friday: No plans... I'll see if anyone is game for hijinks or I will hook up with Dutch girl maybe.

Saturday: Jake has organised a little party in the old maison so I am sure there will be girls there... It is highly likely I will be completely plastered though.

Sunday: I'll keep this free but I'll probably be watching stand up. Any dates I have organised can come along to this.

After that Mal is back in town and he has friends around from home so there will be lots of going out that week... yay!

By the way.... 3 posts today!! Now I don't want to brag or anything but... I am the greatest blogger in the fucking universe.

Crazy Horse gets violated... A first person account

2009-03-06T06:45:00.000-08:00

If you haven't read the first part of this STOP NOW and go HERE first. This is Crazy Horse's side of the story... I can't stop laughing!

====================

Ok so here is what happened. The evening starts off nice, dinner and our usual conversation of sexually laced banter full of innuendos and dares like taking her panties off at the table and passing them to me to hold onto. She tells me that she has recently broken up with everyone and is looking to get control on her life, perhaps settle down. I’m thinking we got a good thing going. Why ruin it? As a male I ignore these threats to focus on the goal at hand. We can deal with this later (or not).

She wants to tie me up. Not something I’m into but I acquiesce thinking she will just ride me, etc. but no. She gets me naked and in this Japanese rope bondage set up, new trick, and I am wracked with pain. You can’t move to a position that isn’t unbearable. What happens next? She leaves the room to watch TV, clean the apartment and pay her bills. WTF!?! Occasionally, she drops in to check in on me and by “check in” I mean verbally abuse me – telling me I am a worthless, pitiful, disgust her, etc. Occasionally, I get a slap across the face but that apparently wasn’t the point of this. I am not sure what was. I would have preferred to be beaten. Personally, I am not into that type stuff but this mental torture was horrible.

I kid you not, by this point I am frothing at the mouth with rage when she decides to finally let me out. I become a wild animal then ravaging her as I have never ravaged anyone in my life – think about a fat kid diving into chocolate cake at a fat camp. Twice.

This girl wants to settle down and I am honestly afraid as to what that means. I finally found someone more deviant than me and I am not sure I like. I haven’t closed the door on it but for the first time I am just not sure. LOL

Crazy Horse gets violated

2009-03-06T04:22:00.000-08:00

This is the email conversation I had with Crazy Horse earlier today....

CH: I don't think I can hang with MC anymore *MC, by the way, is the bisexual Fuck Buddy of Crazy Horse* . We are bad together.

Connor: Why so?

CH: Well first, what we do to each other isn't normal and her level of deviance is starting to exceed mine and second, she has broken up with her gf/bf and is starting to think she wants to settle down. The last one is a major red flag since it is not an option for me. LOL

Connor: LMAO... deviance worse than yours?? I find this intriguing... do tell.

CH: It left me with a bit of shame. LOL. I can't put it in the work email. You'll have to wait until I can email you from home.

Connor: I certainly hope nothing entered thine sacrad cavity of holiness?

CH: LOL. I knew that is what you would think but, thankfully, no. Trust me she has mentioned it before but I told her that I would seriously kill her if she tried.

Connor: You sir sit on a throne of lies!! I can smell the dishonesty from here... You have been sodomised. Either PDP will grant you god like powers or cast you into his bottomless belly for this.

CH: LMAO!!! Upon my very soul I was not!!! May PDP strike me down. Which he likely will regardless but you get the idea.

All I can say right now is that it was more along the lines of what Mark would enjoy *Mark, a friend of CH, likes to be beaten and tied up during sex. This came to light one night when a stripper began to spank him and he began moaning in pleasure to the shock, delight and amazement of everyone else there. He especially enjoyed it when she caught some ball with her lashings*. I prefer to be the one in control and with all the power, I do not like being helpless. It actually pissed me off quite a bit honestly. The only benefit is when I was set free I was like a wild beast.

Connor: ROTFLMAO !!!!! I don't care this has to go on the blog

*By the way, I think he has been mentally scared by this.... Yet more emails later in the day*

CH: While I accepted her request I was laughing the whole time thinking about telling you. LOL

I am going to write this up because it is funny. Mostly it was verbal abuse and leaving me in the fcking room while she did other things in the apartment.

Connor: HAHAHA! That is fucking awesome!!

CH: The worst thing about it, and she probably knew it, is that I am an extreme extrovert. I hate being left alone and/or ignored. I was going absolutely crazy. But she had been learning this Japanese rope stuff apparently and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I would have preferred to be beaten.

<- Japanese fucking rope work and mental abuse... Only fucking Crazy Horse could get himself into that situation.

Blame it on Rio - Part 1, Another short Story By Crazy Horse

2009-03-05T06:44:00.000-08:00

So here it is folks... Our favourite guest author, Crazy Horse (who is crazy by the way), has been kind enough to write up another story to tantalise our senses and delight our minds. This one, being part of a mini series of uncompromising brilliance and audacity, takes us on a sleaze ridden ride to the beautiful beaches of rio de janeiro... enjoy

======================

Let me start off with some gross generalizations – Brazil is the best place in the world, nobody works, everybody parties, nobody has any inhibitions and Viagra is sold over the counter. People may scoff at the last bit and say they don’t need it but trust me after a week in Brazil you most certainly will. Half the time I took it before going out just to give me the incentive to meet people.

The women down there are incredible – beautiful and super friendly. Now there is an obvious “grass is greener” thing going on here. My Brazilian friends hate Brazilian chicks because you either have to have money, be somebody or be from the US/UK for them to give you the time of day. However, these same guys make a killing with the chicks in NYC so I say take advantage of what you got where ever you can.

I arrived in Rio not knowing what is in store for me and worse still knowing that I get bored easily. I generally like places that are a little shady and potentially dangerous. I knew this would be a good trip as soon as I got into a cab on my way to the hotel when I saw a 6’6” tranny throwing a cinderblock at a cop car. I thought to myself I’m going to like it here.

The trip started off great when I scored first at the exchange counter. I caught this girl’s eye, smiled, and then waved when she walked away. Not thinking much of it I was practically tackled when leaving the exchanger. I don’t really know what was said, or care, since she barely spoke English and I only speak broken Spanish (not Portuguese) but the jist of it was I like you, here’s my number call me and we can hang out at your hotel. We did and it was that night that I thought “Someone told me you don’t need a prescription for Viagra down here. I’ll have to look into that at the Pharmacy tomorrow.”

Among the motley crew I was with, three of us stood out – myself, Brad from Iowa (all the Brazilian chicks called “Leonardo Di Caprio”) and Chino (Chinese guy). Women would approach us on the street under any pretext – “Hey, I like your tattoos. Here’s my number.” After a few days of training and only mild partying the wheels came off the wagon as I kicked off a bender. I bought two arm’s full of 40 .oz beers, Chino scored some weed and we made a gravity bong. At this point I am uncontainable, bouncing off the walls and screaming at people in Chinese curses I picked up on my travels. My friend Rafael pleaded with me to relax as he was afraid I, an obvious gringo, would end up in a favella (which I did) and would get mugged (which, by the grace of PDP, never happened).

That night, in particular, was funny as we headed out to a club where I decide to play up the Leonardo Di Caprio thing. Brad didn’t know it yet but he copped on pretty quick to my game. Anywhere he went I would stand at his shoulder with one hand covering my ear and the other in my pocket. When he went to the restroom, I checked it out first to make sure the coast was clear. I stated rather loudly that I promised his “manager” that I would get him to the studio by the next morning no ifs, ands or buts. It was at this point that the gaggle of girls around us asked who he was. “Why, he’s Danny Doyle from America’s newest pop group the Flash Bottom Boys.” I was an ex-special forces operative now working security to the stars of course. To sell the story, I then purchased a few bottles of champagne and reserved a table, at seven real to the dollar it was like a cup of coffee. We later took the party back to the hotel room and gave the girls a story to remember, not to mention some autographs – worth $0.05 on eBay.

Now this is not to say that I am without heart. Truth be told, I fall in love every time I go down to Brazil. Later in Sao Paolo I met up with some other friends. We go to a bar/club/restaurant thing sit down for a casual meal and a chat. My buddy’s wife goes to the restroom and as soon as she leaves the girls next to us come over and tell my friend he is hot. He says thank you and moves on. His wife returns when I see the most beautiful Japanese/Brazilian girl in my life. My friend’s wife then gets up to talk to her to bring her over. While she is away the other girls approach us again and tell my friend that they really like him. He replies that he is married to which they say “We know”. God I love this place. My friend’s wife comes back with the chick in tow. She is excited to meet this guy from New York and she has always wanted to go there (they all do). I tell her that I’m an ass model and she asks me if I think she could be. I give her a good feel and tell her that she needs some work and there is a gym around the corner (not true, you could bounce a quarter of her ass). Anyway, I then proceed to tell her that her parent’s lied to her about her Japanese heritage as she is obviously Chinese and refuse to hear any of her arguments until she offers to take me around Little Tokyo the next day. The next day turns into five as I missed my flight and stayed with her until I ran out of cash. I thought if I could put her out to hook I could stay longer but I decided that I actually liked her so I left her with a false name, number and a promise to take her to New York.

The last thing I remember from that trip was a Brazilian girl telling me that they like foreign guys because all Brazilian guys cheat. After all, it’s not a like a foreign guy would traipse halfway around the world, leaving his girl back home, and hesitate to hook up with a scantily clad, sun-bathed beauty. Nah of course not. We’re made of sterner stuff than that.

Stay tuned for part 2....

SHYTE !!

2009-03-03T01:54:00.000-08:00

OK on a good note I had sex with that Dutch girl last night. On a bad note I fucked her sans condom. FUCK! Completely her fault I swear... Too many details to go into here to explain but fuck I hate that shit... Ruins perfectly good sex. Now I am awash with images of little Dutch Irish brat floating around looking for money off me and shit. At least it would be good good looking... FUCK. On a good note she is very very hot. Damn it anyway... Disgusted

On another good note here Crazy Horse, father of insanity, has written a couple of articles about his times he went to Brazil. These are jam packed with lunacy.. I'll post them up during the week.

What a Write off!

2009-03-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

I was expecting a big weekend there of practicing the old wrap and ironing out some more sticking points. At the moment I am working on enforcing the sexual frame by accusing the girl of being a sex freak, seeding a same night pull and something else which I can't actually remember right now.

So instead of doing that... here is what happened

Friday:

Went out straight after work with some of the work crowd. My friend Deirdre was leaving so went for drinks. Ended up in a weird club type place that 90% dudes and music was too loud for me to be effective. Made some valiant attempts, alas this night was a write off.

Saturday:

As I was Eager to actually talk to girls and practice game on Saturday the whole lot of us went to the pub to watch Ireland play England in Rugby at 3pm. Ross was back on the beer again. I have no idea how I fooled myself into thinking this was a good idea because by 8pm the whole lot of us were completely obliterated drunk! I remember nothing past 9pm.

Jake got woken up by the staff in McDonald's at around 11:30pm as he was unconscious, face down in a Big Mac. He was thus removed from the establishment and decided to make his way home.

Ross has zero recollection of events and woke up yesterday morning with a massive cut on his face. He was last seen by Mal singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" in a mocking tone towards all the English people there (being that we actually live in England, there was quite a number of them).

Although I remember next to fucking NOTHING it appears that my old pal drunken Connor was indeed practicing his game. I had 3 missed calls and a number of texts from a girl called Michelle at 2am. No idea who she is? Also I do remember talking to another girl in a bar previously... She was telling me her BF wanted an open relationship or something. Bear in mind I'm probably drooling all over myself at this stage. I told her I was going to fuck the living bejeezus out of her if she didn't stop talking to me, she seemed to like this. She gave me a little kiss, asked me to take her with me to a comedy show I was supposedly going to today and then left, making the "call me" hand gesture. The only thing I remember from the next bar is two girls not liking me and Ross (seriously whats that about?.... who doesn't like obnoxious drunken Irishmen?) and me telling them they were a pack of cunts (you see thats how you turn around a bad interation guys). Amazingly they didn't like this either. Some people eh?

Mal who was with his Girlfriend, and therefore semi-sober, left out of sheer embarrassment at 11:30. He said that we were all singing Irish Rugby songs at all the English fans (we had won the game by 1 point) and the manager of the establishment had to have a word with Ross on more than one occasion.

Sunday:

This was actually cool once the headache died down. On Friday at lunch I got the number of a really cute Dutch girl and we went out to watch some friends of mine perform some stand up. We went for a drink after and then back to Chateau Connor to "watch a movie". No sex, D'oh. Really liked her though and will definitely see her again.

Apart from hanging out with that girl on Sunday this has to be the biggest write off of a weekend ever. Nothing achieved apart from spending lots of money and pounding my liver.

Connor - Beast Hunter !

2009-02-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

I would generally be out tonight (sober I might add) but I have shit to do here. So I kinda half did it and well I'm bored now so I am going to write a short story instead... This is about the night where I realized that Captain Jack was not telling porky pies and learned a little bit about female sexuality.

This all started with a work organized table quiz (that had free beer) back in like July or something. Started off well, our team was in the lead after 3 rounds. I was doing very well on some of the more obscure questions and was thus rewarding myself with liberal helpings of alcohol.

The whole thing descended in madness by 12am, people were jumping up and down on the tables and falling over hammered drunk. A little while later I found myself inside another bar with Donie(previously mentioned here) and a couple of the work dudes. The bar had shut down at this stage and we were all locked in playing beer pong. There was 2 girls (I use the term girls loosely here) in this place and about 10 guys. One of these girls was almost semi decent looking while the other was a some sort of banshee, surely not of this world!

Well I don't know what the fuck was going on but one of them was apologizing to me for something and I said that I would forgive her if she made out with Donie (which she did). So the two of them were molesting each other like a couple of 14 year olds. And now I was fucking bored like... So I turned around to the beast, who was muttering something to me (probably some sort of hex), and declared

"You know you're lucky your friend is here..."

"Why's that" it growled

"Cos otherwise I would fuck you until you cried"

Huzzah, I had silenced the monster. Take that she devil! Then the beast looked at me... A fire raged in its lifeless eyes. I am thinking "Fuck!". Next thing the creature made a lunge for me! WTF!?! The vile beast was trying to suck my life force from my mouth!

Quick as a flash your hero grabbed the devil by the hair and yanked it's head back.

"Oh Yes" It cried

"I have a boyfriend but he doesn't know what I really want... not like you"

I quickly grabbed a cross and jammed it into her flesh! AWAY BEAST AWAY! Well either that or I made out with her... I'm not sure but what's the difference among friends, right? All of a sudden she grabbed my hands and thrust them onto her throat...

"The gargoyle wants me to put it out of its misery" I thought. So I attempted to vanquish her for once and for all, I begin choking the fiend staring right into her eyes...

"ssshhhh beast sssshhhh It will all be over soon"

Alas she only seemed to be deriving more power from this. Soon we are outside and the brute is attempting to destroy my trusty penis with her hand! I pray for forgiveness from our Lord PDP as I fear the end is nigh.

Just when all hope seemed lost I look over the horizon? Whats this ?!? By Fuck its the sun! The monster cowered in disgust at the wholesome rays and scurried back to her layer screaming piercing shrills of agony.

Safe once again...

Well either that happened or I choked her lots, got a hand job off her outside, she gave me her number (which I promise I didn't want) and left as she had to catch a flight early in the morning. Again I'm not really sure, I had a lot of drinks but it was definitely one of those two scenarios.

Anyway, boys and girls, the moral of this story is that people like excitement when it comes to sex. I was reading The Daily Romp there about a dude who was boring in bed and it reminded me that a lot of people don't know that. I didn't really until that day.

Now I don't want to make a big deal out of this but

2009-02-23T09:33:00.001-08:00

I hate Irish girls! They are the most miserable bunch of C U Next Tuesdays that I have ever witnessed. In some regards I am thankful for them because they periodically remind me how cool other girls are. Now it doesn't bother me or anything... I'm just saying I wish they would all explode of herpes, not that I care though... Did I mention that I hate them?

After the glory of the man with no shame on Friday myself and Mad Mal hit Manchester to watch Man Utd (Mal is a big Manchester Utd supporter) play Blackburn at Old Trafford on the saturday. Good game, ended up 2-1 to Man Utd. Looks like Utd have the league in the bag now after this weekend actually.

"WTF?!? I hate Soccer! Get on with it!"

OK OK Jesus!! Well after the game we met up with a friend of Mals, Deco, who is a student up there in Manchester. Sure enough, we went to some shit hole student bar in the middle of town with Deco and a couple of his hippy student pals to imbibe a few post match beverages. As we sat in that shit hole bar, firing down cheap drinks I was was flooded with nostalgic glee thinking of my student days of yore (most of which was spent in a drunken stupor completely devoid of female attention, obliviously delighted) and we decided to stay with the students and relive our university years. Magic!!

Well that was of course until a bunch of thundering Irish cunts arrived into the place. They knew the lads there supposedly and had just come back from winning some trophy for being bitches or something.

You see readers a very odd thing happens when I come into contact with extended social circle Irish girls... for some strange reason, that I am completely boggled by, the miserable bitches are completely immune to my charm! I absolutely don't get it!

Well cos I am such a sweet guy I attempt to make some polite conversation with one of them anyway, giving them the benefit of the doubt... Get this! The ignorant so and so didn't even have the decency to laugh at my jokes or fluff her hair about or stare at me in awe or get all submissive or anything... Not even a fucking giggle. I repeat this procedure a few more times and similar patterns emerge. One of them has the cheek to look disinterested and back turn me!! I feel like grabbing the she devil and turning her back around to explain how this works!

"Excuse me she-bitch but you appear to be confused as to how this works.... I talk to you for 2 minutes, you get all giggly and excited. Then we talk normal for a bit and make a little connection. After that I talk to you about how I would fuck you but for some arbitrary barriers I throw out there... Get it?"

Nothing. Not that I care or anything but these chicks should be clamoring for my sweet validation. So being that I am completely stumped by these behaviour patterns I decide to emulate my hero CJ and put on my scientists hat to figure out what is going on... Using some advanced scientific data analysis patterns I came up with a number of theories.

a.) They are a coven of witches.

b.) It's somehow Ross's fault (I am blaming him for everything bad that happens to me as of late).

c.) I am so cool that they all feel disqualified to be with me.

Theory 'c' had to be later ruled out as one of the really heinous ones kept trying to feel me up, leaving theory 'a' and theory 'b' the only viable options.

Later on we hit some student club where I got hammered and talked to some normal girls. Had a good bash at getting one of them back to the hotel, alas her friends saved her from a night of very angry sex. Then myself and Mal, empty and alone, wandered the streets of Manchester completely shitfaced until 4am.

I burned the ear off of Mal for the whole journey back to London about what bitches they were. I don't care though because I am internally validated...

Fucking Bitches!

The man with no shame!

2009-02-22T11:32:00.000-08:00

So the whole crew was out last Friday for a portion of revelry seasoned with a little pinch of devilment. A shit heap of Irish girls that Jake knows were there also. These girls were actually pretty cool although not the most attractive collection of females I've ever seen. In fact if I was being an asshole, I would say they were completely fucking wrecked! And, of course, I am going to be an asshole for the duration of this story (makes for a more amusing reading experience I find). Right, also in attendance was a guy Mal knows, from Northern Ireland, and his pal who shall be named Frank!

We all went to this place called Abacus around the Banking district. It was my first time in the venue. Fucking carnage! By 7pm its a full scale disco meat market, complete with drunken wanna-be bankers and truck loads of Essex chicks looking to bag a rich guy. As Ross pointed out, these are not the type of girls you'd be going on dates holding hands with.

So everyone is happy out! Ross is trying to look cool (and pulling it off), Mal is knocking back the drinks (and pulling it off with great aplomb), I'm off rapping with a couple of girls (not doing too badly at all) and Jake is keeping the beasties company (like a true professional). It's right then that I notice something very peculiar happening... Out of the corner of my eye I see Frank and one of the Irish girls (the one who Mal was referring to as The Whale). I have to check twice cos I just can't believe my eyes... Frank is sucking the fucking face off her!! In plain fucking view of all of us!! I am shocked. Frank is a good looking guy and the whale is well a whale... A great Leviathan, at least 1200lbs with eyes like steel, cold and hard. A great shock of hair she had, red like the fires of hell.

Now don't get me wrong I've scored plenty fat girls in my day (and will again) but NEVER in front of the lads or anything! I'm thinking, this guy is a fucking disgrace... Mauling this chick in plain view of everyone, shameless!

But then I started thinking about it... Frank clearly doesn't give a fuck what we think about him. Fair play to him. He wanted to do it... so he did it! Ingenious. The sheer brazenness of it was liberating! Like if I was out with a group of guys I didn't know, I'd be pretending to be cool for the first while. Franko, my new hero, didn't even give it a second thought! He is like the anti-Ross, who is constantly overwhelmed with concern about what others might be thinking about him. And let that be a lesson to all of you. Who cares what anyone else thinks as long as you are happy (and not hurting anyone else obviously).

Later that night we switched venues. The Whale was literally trying to eat Frank... Mal was going to ask if she wanted some sprinkles. I do mean literally by the way. I saw lots of biting. Now Jake being the sweet guy that he is obviously didn't want Frank to feel bad about what he was doing and so flung himself upon the sword and started to maul another one of the beasties. I named this one the Riddler, as she bore an uncanny resemblance to the character, of the same name, in Batman Forever when his face started to morph at the end. Good work also!

I met the most amazing girl in the second venue by the way. Not the best looking I've ever seen but her personality was amazing... So much fun to be around! It was one of those great situations where she had a BF and was applying some advanced girl logic. She wouldn't kiss me but she was completely fine with me molesting the bejeesus out of her. She was only in town that night so I won't be seeing her again. I probably could have gotten back to the hotel her and her pals were staying in but I had to be up very early to go to Manchester with Mal (I'll write about that tomorrow) and would need to be guaranteed sex to forgo sleep.

Anyway... The moral of this story is that whenever I have a decision to make from now on I will ask myself...

"What would the shameless man do?"

Then I will make out with a fat chick!

PS I am an asshole for calling those girls names like that, they were actually very nice. I got on quite well with them all and I generally *HATE* Irish chicks. Don't worry, I do feel bad about it and I got my comeuppance the following day. Although two of them got sex that night and I didn't... the bitches!

Entrapment - A Short Story by Crazy Horse

2009-02-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

Entrapment:

OK folks, Uncle CH here has been invited to tell a few stories so buckle up, sit back and enjoy the ride. I have subjected myself to a lifetime of abuse so you don’t have to or at least you can cut to the good stuff sooner.

I title this chapter in the day as “Entrapment” because a place that serves you liters of beer, gorges you on mountains of bratwursts and parades a bunch of idiots around you is only asking for this sort of trouble. I probably glossed over a few points and I’ll leave it to Connor to fill in his version of the events (which I am sure will be nothing but a vicious pack of lies to besmirch my good name). The shame of it all was this was my favorite bar. Members of our pack have since tried to get in only to be turned away. I have very few regrets in life but this is one of them.

There was an infamous trip where Mal and Connor had come to visit me in New York. It was Mal’s first trip and undoubtedly his last (for shame). Day 3 into this trip we had already single-handedly funded the educational aspirations of New York’s finest strippers and had decided to do something special in light of our plans to attend Oktoberfest later that year. The day started off innocently enough with calling a few barroom heroes to meet up at my place for Rock Band, beer, shots and generally get prepped for the day ahead, it was 10 AM after all. I should add that I was masterful on the (mock) guitar while Connor pulled a diva refusing to play the songs on the set list (*I told you I wouldn't sing gay sings unless you got me the tray of green M&Ms, edited by Connor*) .

We finally staggered out of the apartment around 1 and got to the bar by 3 - a trek that should have taken 30 mins but lasted. Moving this drunken lot was like herding cats which we all know this is difficult even for a Scotsman with a claymore in hand on a dark and stormy night confronted by cats, which is secretly a coven of witches. PDP be praised but I digress.

Anyhoo, we get to Zum Schneiders which is a classic German beer garden filled with a never ending series of hipster douchebags that now populate the lower east side of NYC. Gone are the glory days of hardcore, squatters, homeless and the shamelessly horny. Now it is all Disney and NYU. A friend of mine who had been waiting for us there told me that we had to “catch up” by chugging a liter of beer. Despite drinking all morning I found myself incapable of arguing with that sort of logic so I obliged. Over the next several hours we consumed six-seven liter steins of beer and a mountain of bratwursts. Mind you Connor and I were not ordering the food, our friends were. We were just the guardians of the pass and exacted a heavy toll on any order the waitress tried to get past us.

We were quickly descending into madness when the waitress recognized Connor and I, because we are awesome of course, but also because we tried to tell her our friend Kal Varnson was in love with her and proceeded to start an impromptu version of the dating game among the attendees. The cacophony from our table kept rising as I tried to lead the bar in a rousing rendition of “Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles” thinking it was the German national anthem and Connor posing for every camera in attendance. Somewhere in this mess I noticed a group of hipsters gathering at the table next to us. They were all wearing the uniform – jeans, button up shirt (tucked in) and baseball caps. Like a bull I zeroed in on the one wearing the red cap who immediately drew my ire with his inability to chug a liter. A stein got broken and our friend Rousseau (a rugby-sized French chef) grabbed one of them by the throat. While technically they did nothing at all to us I am sure they deserved it. The cowered off in the face of our sheer machismo but it was at this point that the manager, rather arbitrarily I might add, now decided it was time for us to leave. Filthy Phil pleaded with them in German that we would behave and from the jaws of defeat we were saved and allowed to continue on with our festivities. Unfortunately, this is when the evening started to take a dark turn. LOL

Bathroom break - this is when things go a bit grey. Mal and Filthy Phil were conversing about god knows what when I spun 180 degrees to punch a mirror directly behind me. I have no idea why I did this but I am sure there numerous Freudian implications. So now I am standing there with glass embedded in my hand when the manager opened the door. “You’re out!” “For what!?!” I snarled back before breaking up into laughter. I kick opened the stall door in the bathroom to grab Connor who had now fallen asleep, no idea how I knew he was in there. We begin to stagger out the door, breaking steins on our way, trying to figure out where to carry on the party. Most sane people would go home at this point but we carried on – after all what I thought was a broken hand only turned out to be a severe infection. Who would have thought a bathroom mirror would have been so dirty.

Its 6pm, we have no idea where the children are and I am looking for personal redemption.

Redemption:

After the debacle at Zum Schneiders, we decided that we needed to go to a place where we could chill out a bit. It seemed some of us, not saying me, were getting a bit unruly and at this point, the bratwursts and beer were storming my stomach like the Wehrmarcht across Poland. BTW – I can make WWII jokes. My uncle died in a concentration camp during the war. He fell off a watch tower.

We ended up at a hookah bar to smoke water pipes. The world was already in a terminal spin so why not add some Turkish tobacco. I am starting to realize that I am going to be down for the count soon unless I do something drastic so I go to the bathroom, luckily no mirrors, to purge and rally. It works like a charm and I am on the rebound.

Connor by this time is on the dancing floor like a whirling dervish teaching the belly dancer some new moves. I grab both hookah pipes, tear off the filters and imbibe the sweet, sweet nectar….

*If I remember correctly, after that we returned to the non-judgemental solace of our neighbourhood strippers, edited by Connor*

The End

hahahahahaha

2009-02-19T04:00:00.000-08:00

OK OK OK OK ! Trekked up to training last night after a pain in the ass day in work. When I got there I couldn't help but notice that my fucking pass code to get into the academy wasn't working properly. So I start hammering on the door, wondering what the fuck, cos I am late for class and shit!

So my pal Jamie(he is a jiu jitsu bum, basically hangs around the BJJ school for a living) opens the door a tincy bit and pokes his head out.

"Jamie, why won't the code work?"

"Did you not hear? Training is off today. We're doing er... refurbishments"

Now I'm thinking there is something suspicious going on here

"What the fuck is that noise in the background?"

"err... nothing, I'm not supposed to let anyone in"

"haha let me in shithead!"

"haha OK OK come in but don't tell anyone!!"

BEHOLD there is fucking disco lights everywhere and the whole place has been transformed in to a swanky night club. Holy christian leper babies! It transpires that the place has been rented out for one of the after parties to the Brit awards(this is like the British equivalent of the Grammy awards for those of you in the states). Jamie has been charged with making sure the people setting it up won't break anything and it will commence in 3 hours! I burst out laughing! hahaha, brilliant! Everything is coming up Connor.

So I spend the next 2 hours shooting the shit with Jamie. After that I start to work! Basically stand around looking important, grab myself a backstage pass, schmooze with security a little bit and tuck into the free cocktails. Then I spy a couple of suspiciously good looking people all wearing Adidas gear. So it turns out Adidas have hired 10 models to just go to this thing and wear Adidas kit... what a fucking job man! Anyhoo, I start yakking away to 2 of the girls.

The whole marketing press, know someone who knows someone crowd being to arrive around 2200 and very strangely dressed people start to flow in about 2300, I'm assuming they are the more famous ones? I have one of these Adidas models running around getting me drinks, I am making her stop random people to tell them I am the most attractive man she has ever seen, we are having pose offs for the camera man that is floating around and she is running around to find pen and paper to write her number on for me. This is hilarious!

Cut to 0030 and I am in the corner making out with the Adidas model, Estelle(who is the only famous person I recognised there) is singing a few songs on stage and on the inside of my head I am laughing very heartily!

Although I definitely think I could have taken more advantage of this it was still not at all a bad Wednesday night

A Celtic Wedding

2009-02-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

On Saturday my cousin (who also lives in London) married her Scottish Boyfriend of 5 years. The wedding took place in Ireland. Here is a brief overview of my day...

1300 Went to church for nice but slightly cheesy wedding ceremony. The organ player was hammered I think. She kept fucking up. I thought it was very funny.

1430 Went to pub beside church, drank 5 amazing pints of Guinness (I hate Guinness in Ireland. It is just too delicious in small country bars, I just can't stop drinking it).

1700 One or two of the Scots were already shitfaced! I went to wedding reception and began operation catch up.

1800 Sat down to meal. I devoured a delightful 4 course feast which included a sumptuous cut of Scottish Angus beef, mouth watering wild Irish smoked salmon, 3 shots of Jameson whiskey(neat), 3 glasses of a slightly demure yet satisfying Australian red and all polished off with a baileys coffee.

2030 At this stage the party was in full flow. Myself and Paddy(my other cousins husband) were hitting the Vodka and Sodas pretty hard.

2200 And libations are on overdrive! I recall Paddy hitting on chicks right in front of his wife and winking over at me while doing it. I thought this was very funny. The father of the bride had hijacked the mic from band and was singing songs for about 30 minutes. He was amazing... not so much his singing ability but rather the fact that he could still stand up considering the state he was in.

0030 Due to Paddy's roving eye and by now total incoherence he had been dragged home by his wife. The next few hours is a blur but I do remember trying to line dance (WTF?) on the main stage to Toto's, most excellent, "I won't hold you back", which I had requested. There was piggy backs, there was sucking helium out of balloons and there was a LOT of jager bombs.

They just don't make em like that anymore

0430 When my brain cells got their act together again a girl was giving out to me because I informed her I had no intention of getting a girlfriend anytime in the near future.

"But Connor, why not?"

"Cos I just want to fuck them... see?"

"OMG thats terrible!!!"

"HAHA YES, yes it is!"

A group of us were still going strong. People were playing guitar and singing Irish and Scottish songs. Some really generous dude was buying champagne for the bridesmaids and the bride. In my drunken wisdom I decided it would be a fabulous idea to drink it for them. ha ! I consciously realized how hammered I was when I tried to play guitar for everyone and slowly figured out that I couldn't quite get my fingers to make the required chords... And I couldn't get the other hand to strum for that matter. Being in similar positions at one or two other points in my life and knowing the best cure for this ailment I decided to drink more jagerbombs.

0530 We all got told to get out of the hotel bar, stop singing and generally clear off. I called my aunt (not at the wedding) who lives near by and requested she come pick me up. And, she actually came and got me. Fair play to Auntie Maggie there! The next day she told me that I kept her up until 7 to lecture her my on new theories regarding evolution and how the conscious mind is little more than a spin doctor, telling us lies to maintain the illusion of being nice and in control. Priceless information that will keep her in good stead for many years to come!

And that, as they say... was that! Nothing too insane, was great fun though!

No point to this one

2009-02-13T13:18:00.000-08:00

I met up with my ex girlfriend here in Ireland yesterday evening. Her dad died recently and I wanted to make sure she was OK and cheer her up and shit.

Back when I was a total fucking retard I somehow managed to get her to be my GF. Actually it was because she was my friends sister and I somehow pulled a few moves out of the bag hammered one night. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen and to this day I have no idea what she saw in me back then. While going out with her I was a complete mess and I just couldn't understand why she didn't feel the way about me that I did about her. I was super needy and super retarded. If one was looking for a fantastic tool to model other tools on I certainly would have been a good candidate.

After we broke up I was so pissed with her, like, in my head everything was her fault. She was a bitch for that and a bitch for that. I was pretty hurt and to be honest I kinda hated her a little bit. After I first read the book the game I was thinking... Oooh I'll get really good with girls and that will show her or I'll be really successful in London and that would show her!

I met her last night for the first time in about 2 years or more. I don't want to sound like a douche but I am a hell of a lot cooler now than I was back then. And you know what... I didn't want to show her anything. I just wanted her to be happy. She is just a sweet girl and I was a dope for acting the way I did back then. I didn't wanna fuck her and I didn't want to make her think I am cool now. I just wanted to make sure she is OK and make her feel good. We hung out for 5 hours, basically me talking a lot, making her laugh and saying shit to make her feel better. In fact I felt like an idiot for ever wanting to show her anything. It was really nice actually. I made extra sure not to try and make any moves. I did NOT want to kiss her or anything, even though I think it would have been easy "just happen". She text'd me today thanking me for cheering her up saying she hadn't laughted like that in ages. Man, I just hope that she finds a great guy(or that her current guy takes care of her and isn't an ass clown like I was) and has a great life or something like that.

I don't know what the point of any of this is really. Its just the way I'm feeling right now.

Oh, I don't wanna come off all, like, I used to be an idiot and now I'm so cool or anything. I still don't know what I am at half the time... I am just 100% sure nobody else does either. Oooh apart from CJ maybe, he appears to be a genius.

The next week

2009-02-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

Hello boys and girls,

Your favourite blogger Connor is jetting off to Ireland now tomorrow for my cousins wedding, which is taking place at the weekend. Thus I will be taking a rest from getting in trouble and regaling you all with ridiculous stories until next week. I know how this is likely to make you all very upset... but hang in there.... I will be back soon.

Well actually now that I think about it this wedding, being that it is my family, is sure to have a couple of moments of insanity and I fully intend to completely obliterate myself at it so I might have a story to tell come Monday after all.

In other news my friend Crazy Horse (who is crazy by the way) is going to inscribe a little guest article for the blog. He feels compelled to clear up the Mexico incident which I had previously alluded to in the "getting to know crazy horse" post. Which is kinda funny because when he mentioned what really happened it was quite a bit worse than what I had made out.

Well that's it for now so shake it easy!

Me and Crazy Horse at the Gay Bar, Gay Bar!

2009-02-08T12:26:00.000-08:00

This one is from 2006 actually but Crazy Horse(who is crazy by the way) has been reading this lately and I'm afraid he may physically harm me if I don't talk about him more.

I was over in NYC staying with Crazy Horse. It was the last full day of my visit and I had just returned to costa del Crazy Horse at 3pm where he was diligently working from home.

Connor : "Word"

Crazy Horse: "Jesus Christ I am swamped here, so much to get done"

Connor : "Wanna get hammered?"

Crazy Horse: "LETS DO IT!"

Then crazy horse came out with possibly the greatest suggestion ever.

"I'll break out some of my old kung fu movies and every time someone dies we have to do a shot!"

We both thought this was fucking genius and immediately selected the shot of choice, baileys and brandy. Then we fired up the first movie, I think it was "The 5 deadly venom's" or something. Well whatever it was about 1,000 people died in the first 5 minutes. By the end of the movie both the bottle of baileys and the bottle of brandy were gone.

Cut to 5pm and Crazy Horse is swinging his horse chopper (basically a kung fu staff with a MASSIVE fucking blade attached to one end of it) around the room like a maniac. I am sure in his mind it's with perfect form but this fucking thing is swooshing past my face. And, like, I am so ossified, I am just sitting there delighted with this, clapping like a retard, about 5 inches from having my head cut off.

Next thing CH remembers that he has to go meet his fiance at 5:30 for dinner. Like Frodo and Sam we get our shit together and head for the hills. Now its still the middle of the day and the two of us are completely blasted. We enter this restaurant in a blaze of glory, like the 5 deadly venom's themselves. I am high fiving all the patrons and the staff and crazy horse is struggling for balance demanding wings and Manhattans (which we both hate). Crazy Horses fiance makes a very good decision to get rid of us ASAP and swiftly calls our friend Paul (who is gay) and pawns us off on him.

Now the next thing I remember is being in some bar in the middle of Manhattan with Paul and

Crazy Horse. By 9pm I had robbed a life sized card board cut out of some dude for a lottery advert and Crazy Horse had tried to start 2 fights and had gotten the number of 1 (probably heinous) barmaid. Obviously Paul, being of sane mind, is trying to escape from us and figures there's one place where we won't follow him... THE GAY BAR !

On hearing of Paul's impending escape plan Crazy Horse was outraged!

"Where the fuck are you going?"

"To the gay bar, OK?"

"I WANT to go to the gay bar!"

I had never been in a gay bar and I was like, fuck it... I'll go! So we meet up with Paul's friend Freddie (who is flaming gay and hilarious) and off we go. I have to tell you I was sorely disappointed by this place. It was basically just a cool bar that was 90% full of guys. I was expecting it to be fucking crazy with Madonna or Gwen Stefani blaring and guys running around with Tom Selek moustaches in assless chaps trying to hump everything that moved.

We immediately start on the shots. I am so hammered I buy a bottle and immediately smash it on the floor. The bar tender just hands me another one and now I'm thinking this is the greatest place ever! I've recently been listening to Electric 6 and after another few rounds of shots and I'm dancing on the spot like Mugatu screaming at all the gays

"YOU......I've got something to put in you.... In the gay bar, gay bar !"

Picking out random dudes and shouting at them

"YOU....Have you got any money?"

"Um..."

"I want to spend all your money... "

Of course what happens next... Some queen (not my words) tries to start a fight with Freddie for some reason or another. This guy clearly wasn't counting on Freddie having a crazed hetro friend in the place who is a 2 time golden gloves champ. Quick as a flash our drunken hero Crazy Horse takes up the quest and beings to smash this guy. About 5 minutes later the whole lot of us are cast out and banned from setting foot in there again.

I wake up the next morning face down on Crazy Horses floor with his dog humping my head. Crazy Horse was comatosed on his couch... Slowly he came to. We looked at each other for a minute or two.... what the hell happened yesterday?

Connor: "Were you swinging that fucking horse chopper around in here yesterday?"

Crazy Horse: "I think so"

Connor: "Crazy Horse, were we in a fucking gar bar last night?"

Crazy Horse: "SHIT! I think so"

Connor: "Did we get kicked out?"

Crazy Horse: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Paul didn't talk to Crazy Horse for about 2 months after that although Freddie thought he was his personal knight in not so shining armour.

Not one gay in the gay bar even tried to chat me up... Pitiful!

I hear you're a racist now Father!

2009-02-07T04:02:00.000-08:00

Father Ted VOST 1/2 are you right there father ted Culte !
Uploaded by purplelove

Myself and Mal hit the town last night after a couple of banter boosters (1 part vodka, 1 part soda water) and a few games of fight night on the PS3 down in his place. Ross was there too with his GF, who by the way is amazing.

Well the two of us were hanging out in one of the bars when this semi cute Asian chick (I would definitely bang her but I wouldn't be running around showing her off or anything) and her pal walk over and start pointing at me.

Asian Girl: "That's the guy"

Friend of Asian Girl: "No he was taller"

Asian Girl: "No that was his friend!"

I'm like, hold on what the fuck is going on here? The Asian girl is trying to tell me she met me a a while back in a club... I have no recollection of this meeting. She says it was two weeks ago. I cast my mind back.... Nothing.... Oh actually I was out that night, documented here.

OK so that would explain why I don't remember talking to her... but I'm still not convinced. She said I was with another Irish guy and we were hammered... Fine, I'll give her that one but I'm still not sold because I'm sure there was a good few people matching that description around. Then she says

"You kept feeling me up and then telling me to stop trying to sleep with you. Then you told me you hate Asians but that I'm a sweetheart"

Me and Mal immediately burst out laughing... I would be surprised if there is anyone else in London daft enough to say something like that. She said she thought it was hilarious. Then I'm like

"Look I don't hate Asians... just the Chinese... and the Koreans actually.... and the Japanese for that matter"

"What about the Vietnamese?"

"Oh yeah those too!"

She is laughing her head off and telling me that she remembered my cute smile too. I get her number, kiss her, dry hump her and leave.

On a side note I talked to 4 groups of girls, got 4 numbers, all coming on a date with me on Monday. I would think two of them may actually sleep with me and Mal beat me twice on fight night even though I was killing him in one of the fights and the stupid ref stopped it... I was fucking FINE ref !!! Not a bad night all in all.

PS The second part of that Fr. Ted episode is here if you're interested

PPS I'm not a racist, I just hate the Dutch !

Inside the mind of Crazy Horse

2009-02-06T04:19:00.000-08:00

I got an email from Crazy Horse earlier this morning.

I met a former boss earlier this morning to catch up. He told me about the guy who used to be the head of our IT department when I was with xxxxxx. He cracked up about my response.

"John has been through quite a rough patch but seems to be doing well now that he has the new company set up."

"Really, what happened?"

"First, his dog passed away. Then the old company went under. He got hired by JP Morgan but got laid off. His wife of X number of years came out to him that she was gay and leaving him for another woman."

"Wow, that sux about the dog."

LOL I am sure he was 100% serious about the dog comment. Friday again, fucking hell! Where's time going to at all?

Have a good weekend !

Update to the Office Party Story

2009-02-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

I met one of the guys from work today, who I hadn't seen since the last office party. This is how the conversation went

Connor: "Hey dude! I haven't seen you since that office party at the start of December"

Barry: "haha, I'm surprised you remember!"

Connor: "Yeah I was pretty hammered alright"

Barry: " Pretty hammered? Jesus when I was talking to you we were right beside all the senior management team. You knocked back one of your drinks and then just threw the glass on the floor. When it didn't break you stamped on it and smashed it. The VPs were all staring over at you in shock and you just stared back at them and threw your arms up in the air screaming 'Are you not entertained? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED !?!' like Maximus from Gladiator.

The next time I saw you you were trying to breakdance in the middle of the dance floor with one of the girls from HR."

I honestly don't know whether I should be proud or ashamed. At least one good thing about this global recession is that we probably won't be having any more of those this year.

Just like Rocky IV!

2009-02-01T11:04:00.001-08:00

Holy fuck, I don't know where to start with this one! My whole week up to Saturday was pretty awesome. I hit all my targets for the week... Friday I timebridged the two hottest girls in the venue, one right in front of her BF (girls are very mischievous it transpires). On a side note the one with the BF flaked on me and the other one I fucked up on the phone. D'Oh ! Anyhoo, on with the story. So on Saturday Ross, who true to form has decided that he is going to the states and try to get into a porno, told us all he had flaneagled a way to get us into a swanky Kensington night club for free and knew lots of really hot girls that were going also... Sounds awesome!

Now by the time we get there I am lightly toasted after a few aperitifs and had done a couple of mediocre pick up attempts in the bar beforehand (One of the girls was really nice but we got separated by her pals after 10 or 15 minutes and I hadn't got her number by then, fiddlesticks!). So in we go to this club anyway except hold on a second... Ross's contact had been telling some fibs and we can't get in for free at all! 20 scoring pounds each, brilliant!

The next surprise that awaited me was the price of the alcohol in there. I can only assume the management had gotten hold of my, hastily thrown together, new years resolutions list. Because not only did it cost £20 to get into this shit hole but it cost £10 for a shot of vodka. They must have known I was trying to drink less.... How amazingly thoughtful of them.

We did some mathematics and decided it would be cheaper to buy a whole bottle of vodka (by the way my healthy tip for the year is to drink vodka, soda water with some a little squeeze of lime juice, delicious and low in calories) rather than pay for individual drinks. Plus we got a table when we bought the bottle so it was win win really. At this point all 4 of us are stone broke, huddled around our expensively priced table closely guarding our delicious treasure. All of a fucking sudden some drunken tool came crashing through the crowd, like a paraplegic out of a wheelchair, sending two ugly chicks flying out of the way and entering on a crash course with our table ! BOOOM!!! Time fucking slows down as glass shatters everywhere, it's like the fucking matrix. Instincts kick in and I dodge the shrapnel and dive through the air plucking the bottle of vodka from the sky!! Everyone is amazed as I hold the bottle above my head like I just knocked out George St Pierre with my pinky! Can you say NINJA?

I'm delighted with myself at this stage and just to make me feel even better the waitress wants to give us a new table and asks us which one we want, suggesting she will clear any other people! I think this is the best thing ever and strut over to a table of girls and simply demanded that they BE GONE ! So I'm shouting at these chicks

"GONE! All of you GONE !!!"

Then turning to the waitress

"I want these chicks out of here, NOW!"

And the fucking waitress is actually getting rid of them! I can't believe it! This must be what its like to be rich and powerful. I like it!

These chicks are pissed and moaning but I am having none of it!

"Out of here paupers, I can SMELL the poverty off you"

Sure enough what fucking happens next only one of them spots Ross....

"Ross!"

"Cathrina!"

Oh! So these are the girls we are supposed to meet tonight... NINJA!

So bad it was actually brilliant

It's FRIDAY !!!

2009-01-30T07:31:00.000-08:00

FUCK YEAH, almost time to get out of here!

Even God himself couldn't stop me getting blasting into a super hottie this weekend....

YOU HEARD ME JEBUS ! I'd like to see you try, you fucking hippie

How long will he last?

2009-01-30T06:05:00.000-08:00

Ross reckons he is staying off drink for the next 6 weeks. Myself and Mal thought that very amusing and immediately started making bets as to how long he would last. We couldn't actually bet though because none of us reckon he will last past this Saturday. Ross is brilliant with girls, he really does go after and routinely get the 9s and 10s (looks wise anyway)... however without the aid of severe inebriation he is almost useless. He has no idea what he does to get them. Oddly enough I know exactly what he does and why it works but that's cos I've been studying attraction for a good while now.

Mal and himself were having an old chinwag on msn there today and it went a little something like this...

"I'm going for a long lunch soon…gym…then swim and a sauna…legs are sore after running the last 2 nights, then out for a few beers tonight"

his reply was

"What!?! All them dead calories and money thrown away and hangovers and wasting the next day and a lie in and bubbles and the cool crisp taste and the banter juices flowing through your veins and the laughter and happiness and the world being full of single women and I am good looking and strong and fast and my jokes are amazingly funny and i love breasts especially those shiny tanned ones and wow i like pizza too and facebook is the best isn't it and yeah i live that way too and sure why not share a taxi and of course i won't try anything if you come in for a quick night cap and I know you didn't plan on doing this when you got in that cab and yes i realise you clearly don't usually do this with guys you meet on the first night and I'm not sure if i have any left and sure I'll pull it out in time and oops and zzzz and before you go you wouldn't mind just... and get up your taxi's here and take care now and zzzz and lads it was so funny, she thought my name was "Sebastian" the whole night! and yes defo on for a few for the Utd game....

I AM SO FRICKEN JEALOUS!!! RAAAAAAAGGGHH!!"

No *WAY* he will last past Saturday !

Awesome !

2009-01-27T03:05:00.000-08:00

The African and middle eastern section on the bbc news website are always a treasure trove of comedic brilliance...

This one is *amazing*. Some vigilante legends in Nigeria tracked down a car jacker who used "witch craft" to turn himself into a goat. The crafty bastard! But not crafty enough as the would be heros turned the goat over to the police and the police held the suspect over night !!! You could not make that shit up!

Which ever one of the vigilantes figured out that the thief transformed himself into a goat and somehow managed to convince the others deserves special praise I feel.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7846822.stm

I have this image of the whole mob nervously approaching the goat with guns drawn, fearing for their own well-being. Circling the demon servant of Satan, car-thief turned goat as it is chewing its cud staring at them in bemusement.

I like memories

2009-01-25T10:51:00.000-08:00

Connor: "No recollection"

Ross: "None at all"

Ross: "I have a missed call from somebody called Eoke !?!"

Connor: "Holy Fuck I completely fucked. Still hammered. What the hell happened at all?"

That was a text exchange I had this afternoon with Ross. I woke up this morning fully clothed on top of my bed at 11am. I was having a dream about Jurassic park. Some dinosaur skeletons were chasing me. Obfuscation reigned for about 5 minutes then I remembered I was out last night!

I remembered that we were in a bar. I remembered I started talking to a guy and girl who were on a date and the girl gave me her number and then the two of them had a big fight and left (normally I wouldn't do that but I have targets to achieve at the moment so I can afford no mercy).

Then Jake disappeared and meself and Ross hit a club... After that I have nothing. I am very discombobulated ! Four hours of my life gone... I didn't sober up today until 3 o clock.

Damn you alcohol, why do you tease me so?

Getting better and setting goals

2009-01-22T03:31:00.000-08:00

Well I was listening to CJs teleconference thingy there the other day and holy fuck that guy is a great help with this game malarkey. There is definitely nobody whose ideas have helped me more both in the actual strategies of meeting and dating girls and strategies of how to get better at it.

I'd been wondering lately why my results are not matching my skill level. Because I think I am pretty fucking awesome to be perfectly honest! And now, ladies and rogues, on the 22nd of January 2009 I think I have the answer....

When I started out my goal every night was to approach a certain number of women and if I did that I was happy. Then after that I ran around and I forced myself to run a second routine after the opener a certain number of times. I remember I felt like such a fucking retard doing that but hey after a while I got comfortable with it and then things started to go further. When I could stay in set pretty much as long as I wanted and stopped using routines I started having more fun with it... just going out and enjoying myself! Then I started getting laid... so I thought that going out and just having fun with it was the way to go. But lately I've noticed that without a set goal in mind when I go out I am brutally inconsistent! But think about it if I don't have goals on a night out, how can I measure my game and make improvements?

Its time to start getting down to work again my hard rocking amigos. From this point on my target is to attempt to get a date/ timebridge from 2 girls a night on a week day and 3 a night on a weekend!

I can only assume this will lead to more sex than any one man can handle! Let the good times roll!

Last Night She Said

2009-01-20T03:39:00.000-08:00

Her: "I know we didn't come back here so you can just drop off your bag!"

Me : *smiles*

Her: "Are you a player?"

Me : "Sure I'm an UNSTOPPABLE hornbag"

Her: "How many girls have you slept with?"

Me :"What? Like, today?"

Her:"haha.... I'm not going to sleep with you today"

Me :"Sure, whatever you're comfortable with"

Her:"You're a very interesting character!"

That conversation took place in my room at 9:30. It was looking good at that stage but alas no dice! Couldn't get the pants off.

Outrageous !

Getting to know Crazy Horse

2009-01-19T07:06:00.000-08:00

Crazy horse is often an integral part of my stories, even though he actually lives in another country! I've mentioned him a lot in my blog already and as much as I'd love to write a little essay about him I've realized that there is no way to describe this man that will do him justice. So I will just list some facts (which have been verified).

1.) Crazy horse once fought Roy Jones Jr

2.) Crazy horse is the guy who is most fun to hang around with of anyone I know

3.) Crazy horse has been divorced once

4.) When referring to his ex-wife he generally starts the sentence with "That Fucking BITCH!"

5.) And generally finishes those sentences with "I'd still fuck her though!"

6.) Crazy horse has *NO* standards, though he claims he does

7.) Crazy horse is a 2 time golden gloves boxing champ from philli

8.) Crazy horse once seriously told me that he hears "demons" if he is left alone for too long

9.) Crazy horse makes up the most fantastic lies known to man when talking to girls... for instance everyone in his office in London thinks that he regularly fights in the UFC and that he is a drummer in a rock band. I once caught him telling a girl that his parents died in a freak kiln (the things you put pottery in) accident and left him with a vast fortune.

10.) Crazy horse is currently engaged and cheats like there is no tomorrow

11.) Crazy horse is nearing 40 but is more eager to party than anyone else I know

12.) Crazy horse appears to be almost devoid of ego... which is good because he never takes himself too seriously but bad because he is liable to do anything and won't feel bad about it after

13.) Crazy horse has a very good job for a very large bank

14.) Crazy horse has a scar about 6 inches long across the back of his head where once he was hit with a tire iron during a massive neighbourhood brawl in philli

15.) Crazy horse has the funniest stories I've ever heard

16.) Every girl I tell about Crazy horse says she would hate him until she meets him and then LOVES him

17.) I think Crazy horse works because when you hang around with him you are always between a state of excitement and fear

18.) As Mal once pointed out... If Crazy Horse had just a little less charisma you would think he was INSANE instead of brilliant. He has just enough to get away with it

19.) If the world reverted back to tribal times tomorrow, I would be VERY worried that Crazy horse would probably butcher me

20.) Crazy Horse and his divorce lawyer were once chased out of Mexico by a gang after an incident with some "loose women"

21.) While on holiday with Crazy Horse in Spain he had sex with 3 girls in 3 nights. 2 of the 3 cried afterwards. Even Crazy horse thought that unusual

22.) Once while having sex with a stripper Crazy horse destroyed a hotel room, smashing her though a plasterboard wall at one stage... he mantains that she liked it rough

23.) Once a bisexual girlfriend of Crazy Horse brought her lesbian GF to crazy horse for a threesome so that the GF could be fucked by a man for the first time. After the lesbian said she never thought it would be so rough and won't be having sex with men again.

To love others you must.....

2009-01-19T06:28:00.000-08:00

Well I've come to the conclusion that Ross is bat shit crazy. So I mentioned before that he was seeing a really cool and stunningly hot girl with the last few months. Sounds good, right? WRONG !! Its a fucking travesty ! And the best bit, due to the fact that she is actually great, is listening to him invent stuff to complain about. Its brilliant ! For instance

Ross: "Oh she's sooo old looking!" *she is 30 by the way*

Me: "What are you talking about? She's gorgeous !"

Ross: "No, look in her eyes. They are withered"

Me: "No they're not, she looks like she could pass for early 20s"

Ross: "Yeah but *IN* her eyes!"

Me: *thinking to myself* "LOL! Holy fuck he is mental!"

I have to say I almost respect that level of dementia. Mal was telling me that his ex-GF who he stayed with for years used to punch him in the face on a semi regular basis and with hold sex from him. Well he kept coming back for more there so I guess that's what he wants. I think we all have a little bit of self loathing or something, its just especially funny and evident in his case. Although not quite as evident as crazy horse, who I am convinced at this stage might actually pass as certifiably mad. You know I can't say anything really, the thought of an actual real relationship frightens the bejesus out of me. Yuck! All loved up like some fucking tree hugging hippie, no thanks !

I have a date tonight with a cute American girl. Wish me luck readers !

The one you know as Connor

January...

2009-01-15T06:18:00.000-08:00

**Warning: If you are one of these positive energy, happy thoughts hippies.... Stop reading here. This will likely be a bitchfest ! **

I am very annoyed right now and here are the things that are annoying me.

1.) My stupid fucking job. I just can't take the nerdification going on in here any more. I have ZERO interest in this horseshit. Working is a mugs game... Unfortunately as I have no better ideas, I am one of those mugs right now!

At the very moment I write this there is a herd of nerds behind me all huddled up in a circle like wilderbeast who sense danger. They are all cackling and guffawing and coming in their pantaloons over some fucking technical nonsense. Their little shrills are piercing my heart like red hot needles...

Must find new line of work!

2.) Well it's January and January sucks

3.) The fact that I have to expend energy to get girls! Seriously, what the fuck is that about?

4.) Well actually that's it, everything else is going good when I think about it... I am training hard, drinking less, eating less, playing lots of guitar, losing lots of weight... 14 pounds since December 22nd, another 8 and I'll be at optimal weight. My game is good, although I should be getting more results I feel...

Now I know what some of you are thinking...

"Oh Connor doesn't hate his job or January, his is just annoyed with himself and the fact that he is finding himself creeping into bad moods a lot lately"

Well Dr Freud, aren't you very clever! Now fuck off and don't read my blog anymore !!

Just a little update...

2009-01-06T07:59:00.000-08:00

So in my last post I mentioned that all my friends were resisting going out now due to new girlfriends and new years resolutions etc... Oddly enough I took what they said at face value.

Well they all lasted a grand total of **THREE** glorious days before all getting ossified again. I returned to London and arrived into my apartment on Sunday afternoon. Needless to say I was shocked and horrified to find Jake comatosed in his bed. He had no recollection of events the previous night apart from the memory of being in a bar.

Mal it transpires was kissing some chick in said bar (he thinks) and Ross made it back to a girls house but she wouldn't leave him in... All 3 were covered in cuts and bruises.

Looks like we will be picking up where we left off...

In other news, I will be starting my years adventuring on Thursday night (sober) and I will start day time approaching tomorrow

My 100% fool proof plan of action for the new year....

2008-12-30T08:42:00.000-08:00

Just as the Greek God Poseidon had three prongs upon his mighty trident so too shall I have a 3 pronged plan of attack for the year ahead. 2009 must be beaten into submission and here are the areas of my life that I shall focus on...

The first and main focus of the year will be on pick up and general self improvement. I have not gone completely crazy into the pick up scene, going out 4 nights a week and ditching all my friends and such but none the less at my current rate of improvement, I reckon, it will take me another 2 years or so to get to the point I want to there.

All the guys, I spent my precious time writing about on the blog, have girlfriends or are resisting going out now. Yes readers, I know !! The absolute insubordination of it all!!

Mal is loved up with some nurse and will probably be hard to pin down to go out for the first few months of the year, until he succumbs to alcoholism again. Ross is going out with this gorgeous and really cool chick, although knowing Ross he will find some reason to get rid of her soon enough. Oh and Jakey Jake is stone broke so I may not have their support in the first few months of the year. However on a good note, Crazy Horse (who is crazy by the way) may be moving to London for 9 months in March. This would help wonderfully because he is horny to the point of dementia and is always up for going out trying to pick up chicks. I think I might throw up a story about this guy soon enough actually...

My next point of focus is going to be on Jiu Jitsu. I really let that slip last year and I want to get back on the horse here again good and proper. Somewhere over the rainbow I want to run my own BJJ school so I am going to have to cop the fuck on and hit this at least 3 days a week from now on! Oh and there is some other motivation to this too because as much as I like being a fat bastard I kinda prefer being in shape.

And lastly I need to figure out a new career path... I am utterly wasted in a shitty office job. The one I have is very easy and it's great for free time and allowing me to do other things but I can't spend too much more time there or I'll end up institutionalized. I don't want to wake up and all of a sudden I'll be 50 years old sitting behind some shitty desk wondering where it all went wrong.

Judging by the comments on this blog it would appear that I have about 5 readers now, lol... so I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all a Happy New Year!

Office Parties

2008-12-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

So I'm back home in Ireland, it's Christmas eve and I'm bored! I swear I am not going out or drinking while I am here. I am just going to catch up with some old friends and exercise in order to lose my newly acquired gut of glory. Obviously I'll have no stories to tell you guys as a result of this so I decided to regale you all with some past adventures I've had in the last 6 weeks of the year. Both of these are office parties.

See me and office parties with free alcohol are *NOT* a good combination! I absolutely cannot control myself at these things and invariably make a show of myself.

Our company had two parties in the last month, the first was supposed to be a quiet affair at a London art gallery. Their first mistake was to serve free champagne all night, their second mistake was to serve free spirits all night. This was never going to be good for me. See at this very party in '07 I gained some notoriety around the office as I stuck my head into the chocolate fountain that was on display and went around getting the waitresses to lick it off my face as well as rubbing it onto other chicks. I also remember declaring to my boss how I hadn't done anything in over a month because I spent all my time staring at the new chicks ass. I was so blind drunk that I didn't even realise that she was standing beside the two of us that whole time... And you'd think I would get in trouble for that..... But no!!! Everyone in my department thought it was hilarious and so when this one came around they were all egging me on even before the thing started.

Actually as I left to go to the party I remember my boss saying to me

"We're looking for a big performance from you tonight Connor! I want to hear all about in the morning."

Although he didn't hear about it from me the next morning (I realized I was still wasted while I was on my way to work and called in to take the day off) I certainly did not disappoint. Things immediately started off badly... for some reason one of the bartenders loved me and was absolutely THROWING Jack Daniels into me... like every time I saw the guy he was like... "OH MY IRISH FRIEND !! I've got a nice drink for you" and would proceed to pore me a fucking half bottle of jack mixed with a tiny dash of coke...

Like, when I get really shit faced two things happen to my mind. The first is that I think I am the coolest person in the world and the second is that I think everything is hilarious. Here is a brief recap of some of the things your ninja pick up hero Connor did that night...

Nearly had sex with a *VERY* fat chick in a bathroom, this chick is at least 5 times as big as me... In fact I think she was trying to eat me
While I was going around drinking wine (from the bottle I might add) I spilt drink all over one of the company VPs. When he asked for an apology I ever so eloquently informed him to "Fuck off you old bastard" <- I thought that was *very* funny at the time!
Kicked over the ice statue they had created for the event (some hippy do-gooder caught it though, pussy!)
While completely hammered I hit on EVERY chick in the place and because I am so awesome I didn't use *ANY* semblance of game or social calibration...

Oh and one other funny thing... At around 11pm HR told my friend Donie to "Get him the fuck home, NOW!". So he got a taxi and we got out at my house. He was only marginally better than I was and HE wanted to call hookers... Now, my avid readers, at this time I feel I must point out that I have never been with any prostitutes and I never want to! But in my drunken fury I was all like, "Sure duuuuuuuuuuuude thats the bestest idea ever!".

So he called them with the address and then went outside to get some money... Sure enough as soon as he went outside I passed out cold. He had left his keys and his jacked in my apartment and when I woke up in the morning I had 27 voice mails on my phone... most to the tune of

"You better fucking wake up soon you fucker! It's cold outside and I don't know where I am... oh god please wake up... I fucking told you not to fall asleep!!!"

I didn't remember any of that last part but Donie informed me of it the next day. He told me he was wandering the streets outside for about 4 hours before he found something recognisable and made it home. The Voice mails confirmed his story. Serves him right for trying to call over whores ! Thank god we were too hammered to pull that little manoeuvre off. Actually even if they did come over there is no way either of the two of us could have done anything anyway! I would not like to have that on my conscience as well as the rest of the night...

When I went in on the following Monday, I was fearing for my job. However all my managers and superiors were congratulating me like I was some sort of hero or some shit... They are some bunch of enablers!! Actually I am blaming them for everything that happened that night!

Well I'm too lazy to write any more so I'll have to leave the second office party for another night... It wasn't quite as bad as that one anyway

Happy Christmas

Connor out!

Mulled Awesome

2008-12-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

So myself and the Jakemeister threw a little Christmas party in chateau Connor on Saturday night. Nothing too crazy just had a few friends and one or two random girls around. Well I, being quite the host, made mulled wine for our esteemed guests... I am not lying when I say this was probably my greatest invention ever!

The potion consisted of

4 x bottles of Red wine (a nice little roija)

4 x oranges (sliced thickly)

200 grams of brown sugar

4 x Cinnamon sticks and

1 x bottle of gin for that little je ne sais qua

People loved it and the more they drained the sweet nectar the more I topped it up.... with vodka. By the end of the night the stuff was fucking rocket fuel... We went to a club after the party. As I drank most of the mulled rocket fuel I have very little recollection of these events. Jake and his Girlfriend found me unconscious and bollock naked on the bathroom floor at 4am with the shower running. His Girlfriend said after the woke me up I walked straight past them without even acknowledging their existence. Due to my little sleep on the cold bathroom tiles I have come down with tonsil-fucking-itis.

It was worth it just to let those salient flavours dance their sweet dance upon my tongue.

Approaching during the day!

2008-12-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

*** Disclaimer : I don't really know what the fuck I am doing so any advice anyone takes from me is at their own peril ***

Here are some of my musings on the topic

Unless there is something situational to work on ( ie, getting the chick sitting next to you in a coffee shop to mind something for you while you use the bathroom or something, in a coffee shop queue asking her what's good ) I always go direct on the approach.
I never approach head on.
If they are standing still I come in from the front at an angle around 45 degrees or so, make eye contact asap.
If they are moving (I only approach girls who aren't in a rush) I always approach from behind.I walk up behind them, moving faster than them until I almost over take them. Then I reach out and touch them on their arm to stop them. The touch is soft but its clear I want them to stop. At this point I should be a little ahead of them.

Heavy Death Stare eye contact... I then say "Hi...... This is kind of forward.... But I saw you walking past and I thought you were gorgeous/cute/sexy/whatever compliment and I wanted to meet you."

Now this will generally knock them for six... and they will look uncomfortable and take a few steps to leave. It took me a while to figure this out and its not because they don't like you... they are just fucking dumbfounded and think you are taking the piss. This *NEVER* happens to them. This is likely the first time *ANYONE* has been so forward in the middle of the day.

The next part is kinda counter-intuitive, well it is for me anyway. Because in a bar if a chick looks uncomfortable and is trying to escape its cos she doesn't fancy you that much yet and you have telegraphed too much interest so I generally tease them or call them out on it to get the attraction back again. Now in the day time the way to make them comfortable again is to barrage them with stupid questions.

ie after I say the above lines she will be motioning to go, then I'll say something along the lines of

Me: I'm Connor, whats your name ?

Her: um... *looking scared* my name is x

Me: Are you scottish or something?

Her: No I'm from x.

Me: I had a cat from x. He was crazy! :P

Her: haha

Me: So what are you doing up around here?

Her: Oh I was bla bla...

Me: really? yeah cos I work just over there and I came up here to escape the madness in the office for a bit. I work for xxxx! I bet you are a teacher!

Her: haha, No why do you say that?

etc...

Now she realises you're for real and this isn't a wind up... You'll notice her facing you fully, coming closer to you, talking a lot more and getting trapped in the Death Stare. At this point when she loves me I'll say stuff like

"You know you are really cool to talk to, I am glad I came over to chat with you now... I was like nervous before but I knew I'd be kicking myself all day if I didn't say hello at least"

This will make her day... and its time to set up the date after that. The mistake I always make here (I f*ck this up day and night) is that I don't set a proper time and place. You need to set a real time and real place, for example...

Me: "So how would you feel about going for a drink with me sometime?"

Her: "yeah that would be cool"

Me: "Well are you free tomorrow at 7? I know a really cool bar in london bridge...."

The other thing of note is that as always you have to be super fucking frosty cool to the extreme. Especially at the start, when she's unstable after the directness of the approach. If you show signs that you think this is awkward she will pick it up off you and you're toast.

I probably get numbers out of every 1 in 2 now (although it must be almost impossible to not give your number to someone after such a balls out approach in the day) and I *NEVER* have a bad interaction any more. 90% of the time I get thanked for stopping them.

Wednesday.....

2008-12-11T04:17:00.000-08:00

Last night myself, Crazy Horse(who is crazy by the way) and Mal were out and about on the town. We were hanging out in this bar around central London. There wasn't many people out and there was pretty much NO chicks out at all.

There is one cute Asian girl with some dude. There's nothing else about so I head on over to see what I can muster there. I have yet to actually steal a girl from her BF or date but I am going to do it someday, so watch out you fuckers! These two are actually pretty cool and we all hang with them for a bit.

Then this huge fat chick comes over and asks me where Mal is. She says he was looking at her and wants him to go up stairs with her, lol. Now to my surprise this girl was actually really cool! She was from Brazil and I love Brazilian accents, she also wasn't the usual disillusioned bitter miserable fattie like you generally find out in the bars. She was fun and putting herself out there! So myself and crazy horse chatted with her until Mal returned. She dived on Mal immediately. He blew her out pretty quickly and I have to say I felt for her a little. Its like, dude, I know what that feels like... So I vibed with her some more. After 10 more minutes she wants me and Crazy horse to come up and meet her pals... 2 other Brazilians! Why not!

Up we go into the unknown... One of her pals is hot, the other one looks something like fucking blanka from street fighter 2. Heinous!! I start talking with the hot one... careful to include the girl who Mal blew out cos I don't want her to feel bad (I like her) and, well, because I know this will earn me brownie points with the hot one. By the time I said "hello" Crazy Horse, who as he once told me only goes for the prime beef when it comes to women, had cornered Blanka and was trying to suck her face off... Watching Crazy Horse with women is hilarious... He is like a Tiger going for the kill, he has single focus once he locks onto his prey... The dude is so dominant that he just stares into submission.

Well that made it a lot easier for me to get the hot one... So about 5 to 10 minutes later I start making out with her. At one stage she goes to check on her pal, the super cool fat chick, and I give her a good crack on the ass as she gets up to go... Dude she starts freaking out!! WTF?!? Who doesn't like having their ass spanked? I was shocked... so naturally I did it again as soon as she turned around.... Que more mayhem... I know this happened because I wasn't in a sexual frame with her. Fuck! I am blaming the language barrier there

I had set a date for Tuesday but I don't think its going to happen now and I'm not particularly interested if she is that uptight. Its a pity I couldn't transfer the fat chicks personality into her body... but thems the breaks I suppose

Seriously! Who doesn't like havning their ass spanked?

Super !

2008-12-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday I was out with my pal Crazy Horse (who, by the way, is crazy) and I executed an almost perfect Captain Jack pick up. Yes I know....thank you... thank you, please... stop it.... your embarrassing me!

There was four lovely ladies sitting at a table all by their lonesome. Being a chivalrous kind of fellow I rock on over to keep them company. So I start up with the usual palaver. After a few minutes of teasing and shit talking I am sitting down with them and in a little mini isolation with my preferred girl. About 10 minutes later I've got her on her own and am starting with the Sexual Frames and Dirty Talk... Of course she loves this because she is a girl, and girls, believe it or not.... like to get banged!! Amazing, right?

This was super on and she is cool so I stick with them until the bar closes... alas, logistics were against me and her pals dragged her off home. At this stage I had, however, already set up a date for the following Monday.

Few texts in between to confirm and we can cut straight to Monday....

So I met her up at 7. She was still game.... awesome! Off we went to this cocktail place. I will be taking all Monday night dates there from now on. 2 for 1 drinks on a Monday and they do these ice cream cocktail things... yummy-fucking-licious and they'd blow the head off you unknownst to yourself. She was pretty much mauling me in there the whole time we were there and I figured it was time to get her home.

So I got her back to the house after 3 cocktails. We were going to another bar but I had to "drop off my gym bag" at my place first... how convenient! When we got in Jakey (my housemate) was in his room studying for some exam or something. As soon as I got her into the bedroom, about 8:45, she went nuts! I was railing the shit out of her, pulling her hair and choking her and she was going bananas, screaming and shit. I put my hand over her mouth to shut her up but that made her worse! She was going mental... Delighted for Jakey, I hope that interrupted his study, should make up for the South African fiasco.

By the way, she has massive boobs (which I also fucked) 34DD !! Oh yeah, she broke my c*ck too. She was sitting up on top of me going bezerk and in a haze of boobs and hair and SHE started choking ME !! It was awesome!! No wonder they like it so much. But then she went a little too mad and fucking busted up my penis a bit... I fucked her about 4 times over the night... Great body, think Kate Winslett from titanic with bigger boobs.

And the best bit... So I fired on this song on itunes, "saeglopur" by sigur ros (now it transpires that itunes was actually on shuffle)... It was skipping around but I didn't really notice until I was doing her doggy and heard this monotone voice coming out of my speakers

"Hi.... This is David Deangelo. Welcome to another session of interviews with dating gurus"

LOL, I just left it play, she didn't notice.

Awesome!

Whats worse than getting blown out?

2008-12-01T05:59:00.001-08:00

So I haven't been chatting up girls for a solid week. My lips were riddled with dirty cold sores for the last 10 days and I don't fucking care what anyone says I am not talking girls when I look like I've been making out with the easy chicks from the local leper colony.

"Oh but Connor, its good for practice anyway... Your value comes from within, man!"

Fuck off you hippies I don't care!

So today at lunch I decided to get myself back into the mix with a little day game. Needless the say I was nervous. I walked around for a while picking out girls who were potentials and then not talking to them. After about 20 minutes of this I knew I had to man up soon or run the risk of striking out altogether. Then I saw her... Sitting on a bench, eating her lunch. She was stunning, tall and slim, sallow skin and long brown hair. I had to try and talk with her at least.

OK I'm scared but I rock on over there anyway. At first I am too high energy, clearly nervous and she responds with little interest. Not going well! After a few minutes I start to get back into the grove of this again. It dawns on me... Chill the fuck out! I start to lean back on the bench beside her and begin talking more slowly and clearly. My eye contact is heavy now. She starts laughing at my jokes and meeting my eye contact head on. We talk about where we are from (Slovenia and Ireland), we talk about what we do, how we like England, snow men and lots of random other stuff... She is funny and smart. She is gorgeous, hotter than the usual type of girl I approach. All of a sudden I hear myself say

"Hey, I better get back to work soon... it was nice to meet you"

She responds

"Thank you for coming to talk with me"

"Yeah I knew if I didn't I'd be kicking myself all day"

Then I stroll off... It hits me as soon as I get up! What the hell?!? Why didn't I suggest we meet for a drink or bounce her for a cup of coffee? What the in the name of holy fuck was I doing?? I can't say for definite if she would have agreed. But, man, why at least didn't I try?

I feel bad now. Very disappointed in myself.. I know it was my first time doing it in a while and its hard if your not in the zone or whatever but this was a missed opportunity and now I feel terrible. What if we, like, fell in love and got married and had kids and lived happily ever after in the country? What if she was a sex fiend and wanted a new boy toy to have nasty sex with? What if she was loaded and wanted to be my sugar mama?

I would MUCH rather have her tell me to get lost than have this shit hanging over my head!

Red Ross

2008-11-27T15:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to say about this guy... I know Ross through mal. Mal and Ross have been living together now for about a year.

He has a great job working for a hedge fund and makes about 4 times as much as the rest of us. He is a good looking guy and on an average night out you will see him leaning against that bar in a fitted shirt, bottle of champagne in hand, with a few swooning girls in close proximity.

One of the most charasmatic people I've ever seen, he is hilarious and if I was going out with a group of people he would be the most important ingrediant for a great night. All this awesome comes with a drawback though.... Ross does NOT like to share attention and is prone to douche outs of his friends. His ability to dominate social situations by subtle put downs, charisma and humor is actually kinda scary.

He is, as the Pick up community would say, a "Natural". He cannot approach girls and unless he is wasted he is pretty much useless... Get a few drinks into him though and he turns into a ninja!

The following is an excerpt from an email he sent to mal a few weeks back after a night out... Should give you a good idea of his personality

Kinda built up now but anyway here's the short version - it really needs the actions to go with it.

Brought some Mexican bird home after ferns - spit of that black one from Nip Tuck, which is actually how I started talking to her - I got numerous people to verify it too through the night, so it's not me making it up. Anyhoo - she came back "Just to eat her McD's"... so obviously we ended up in the scratcher with my head buried in her snack box. Give it loads there, then a bit of hand action you know yourself. Anyways, the big lad goes in (her lying down, me on top) and she starts telling me, as i'm working my magic, that she gets very very wet when she comes, like that it's embarassing, and that I may need to get a towel - so I'm like work away love, do your worst - but then I actually feel something building inside her, and build and build - so I take the big lad out as the pressure gets a bit much - and then she just explodes - I am not kidding when I say spray hit my chin - gushing and gushing all over the place - for at least ten seconds non stop - waterworks everywhere - with her on the bottom, she obviously gets the worst of it but I was not exactly bone dry.

So what do you do?

Well I laughed my ass off and got the big fella back in there for round two - thinking well at least that's all out of her now - I was wrong. She went again - splashing all over the place. My bed was completely ruined. I am not joking when I say that the next day when I picked up the towel that she had put under here - was literally wringing wet. Like it had just come out of the wash.

Loved it.

Ninja!

Ouch

2008-11-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

So there is a girl working in the same company as me... Yeah yeah I know, I shouldn't try to pick up anyone that I work with.... Yes that is true, but this girl is probably the prettiest thing I have ever seen! She is like a little porcelain doll (with huge boobs) and she is awesome to talk with. Definitely girlfriend material!

I flan angled a lunch "meeting" with her last week to discuss her role in the company, because I'm thinking of applying for a similar role... Total horseshit of course, I just wanted to get some time with her.

Now I thought I was fucking kick ass during our little lunch date. Looked like she was having a great time. She seemed quite into me, and like generally I am very good at telling. But today I have been pretty comprehensively blown off... WTF man!! I feel like going over there and explaining things to her!

"Listen retard I **ACTUALLY** like you this isn't just some random pick up... now cut the shit and lets fuck!"

You know even after a full year of getting blown out by chicks that shit still hurts sometimes.

Mad Mal 2: The Road Warrior

2008-11-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

"Man, that's it, I am seriously cutting down on my drinking! Really have to put a stop to this."

Mal had been out pretty much constantly for the last week and was feeling the effects. I could see the steely determination in his eyes. He looked serious.

"I'm giving up drinking now. " He paused and thought hard for a second. "Apart from weekends obviously....... and work do's. I've got one of those on Thursday, its a free bar! I am definitely taking advantage of that... And obviously tonight cos ya know, we're drinking now"

"So Mal, basically, what you're telling me is that you're not going drink Tuesday and Wednesday?"

"Um.... yeah, ha ha!"

I've been friends with Mal since 2002 when we were on work experience together back in Ireland. He's one of my best friends and is an awesome guy. He started this Pick Up stuff with me but didn't get as into it as I did. Actually I think that's because he was better than me with girls before we started. Like the concept of laying chicks was pretty normal for him where as to me it seemed fucking mystical or some shit.

Of all the guys I hang around with he's definitely the sanest. Although he is prone to week long alcohol binges and dropping shit heaps of money on drink fueled insanity sessions... Oh yeah and nothing is his fault, ever! Mal drops 2K in a strip club while completely wasted, not his fault man... Everyone else who was there was to blame for creating the environment where that kind of behaviour was acceptable. Mal calls his credit card company the next day and pretends it was stolen so he doesn't have to pay the bill.... Well that was Crazy Horses(More on this mad man in the future) fault for suggesting the idea! He manages to keep a nice level of self delusion on these kinds of things and I reckon that is what keeps him appearing sane at least.

Right now at this very moment(00:33 on a Wednesday) , if I wanted to go out he would come along. If I was in a shit mood he would sit there and listen to my bitching. The dude has got great get up and go about him actually... Which is good cos I am a lazy fuck at the best of times!

He is seeing a nurse at the moment in her 30s. I think they are kinda steady or something right now. More or less every time I talk with him he has got some story about the nasty shit he is doing to her.... The last story involved a balcony, handcuffs and a PVC devil outfit. LOL, Legend ! Although Mal is not brilliant with chicks he is generally not stuck for a girlfriend! Oh yeah and he is also prone to banging crazies off internet dating sites. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is something I am going to throw my hat at in the near future.... so stay tuned!

OK I've got shit to do and its late so I'm not writing any more you fuckers !! Go watch some porn or something!

Shakey Jakey

2008-11-25T12:35:00.000-08:00

So Jake has been my flatmate now for the last 2 months. He's an accountant in his late 20's. Good flatmate, he's pretty funny and very laid back. And, in a way that only an Irish country lad could be, he is also one of the greatest ignoramuses that I have ever met. He is totally unappreciative of my awesomeness... I clean the flat, I make him tea, I get him laid and not so much as a "thank you"!

For instance, I met this South African girl at a club there about two weeks ago. Chatted to her for about 15 or 20 minutes and got her number... Now I was pretty shit faced and, if memory serves me correctly, herself and her pal were dancing around like two chimps on acid. So naturally I expected it to be another flaky number to add to my collection.

But low and behold a few days later on the Thursday after a few phone calls and some "Drunk and Lonely Texting", a la Captain Jack, these two are considering calling over at 2am!! Rock and Roll!

They are fucking miles away from my place so I offer to pay for their taxi (what a gentleman!). I know there is two of them so I attempt to get Jakey out of bed. He is very reluctant so I just leave him off and hit shower to wash my balls.

I get a phone call about 2:30 so I rock down to meet them.... And, what the hell, my chick is paralytic drunk. The other one though, who turns out to be way hotter, is gamey as fuck! That'll work. Up we go to the apartment... I open the door and I see Jake sitting there on the couch like Hugh fucking Heiffner. Next, in what seemed like a 10 second time span my girl passes out, the other one dives head first onto Jakes balls and I sit there in shock!! Amazing! I spend the remaining few hours before work sulking in my room while Jakey bangs the shit out of the hottie next door!

So the two of us are hanging out the next day. Now I am tired and pissed off and like questioning my application of game and my attractiveness to chicks and shit. And this fucker is sitting there complaining about how fucking tired he is!! Like I ruined his night or something.

I'm trying to frame this someway positively so I am thinking " you know, at least someone got laid and although he hasn't thanked me, I am sure deep down, Jake must be considering entering me into the 'best flatmate in the world' competition after this..."

Just then he starts telling me about this unbelievably hot girl he knows who he is coming down to London soon. He likes her friend and she is single.... "Awesome" I thought! Then the following words leave his mouth.

"Yeah she is stunning man, the definition of soft! I am going to set her up with Ross!"

I promptly proceed to lose the plot.

Sex and the ninja? What kind of a stupid name is that?

2008-11-24T12:54:00.000-08:00

So for my first post ever, in the history of the universe, I'm just going to tell all you fuckers what kinds of literary treats I plan on putting up here in the future.

"Well go on then.... what can I expect?"

Basically for the past year or so I've been on a mission to improve my (previously non existant) love life and get laid on a regular basis. Now this entails going out lots and lots and pretty much forcing yourself to chat up everything that moves until you get better at it. As you can imagine this leads to lots of funny situations especially when you tend to drink too much, hang out with 3 guys who would make good characters on any sit com and you yourself happen to be slightly demented at the best of times.

"Get on with it dude! What kind of things am I going to be reading about on here?"

Well over the coming months I'll be posting about the funny situations that me and my pals get into on nights out, my personal battle with vagina, a little pick up type stuff for good measure and probably lots of other random nonsense that takes my fancy also. I reckon for the next post I'll give a little background info on the main characters in my life and describe them best I can....

"Awesome !!"

I know dude! Until then....