Red Ross

I don't know what to say about this guy... I know Ross through mal. Mal and Ross have been living together now for about a year.

He has a great job working for a hedge fund and makes about 4 times as much as the rest of us. He is a good looking guy and on an average night out you will see him leaning against that bar in a fitted shirt, bottle of champagne in hand, with a few swooning girls in close proximity. 

One of the most charasmatic people I've ever seen, he is hilarious and if I was going out with a group of people he would be the most important ingrediant for a great night. All this awesome comes with a drawback though.... Ross does NOT like to share attention and is prone to douche outs of his friends. His ability to dominate social situations by subtle put downs, charisma and humor is actually kinda scary. 

He is, as the Pick up community would say, a "Natural". He cannot approach girls and unless he is wasted he is pretty much useless... Get a few drinks into him though and he turns into a ninja! 

The following is an excerpt from an email he sent to mal a few weeks back after a night out... Should give you a good idea of his personality

"

Kinda built up now but anyway here's the short version - it really needs the actions to go with it.

Brought some Mexican bird home after ferns - spit of that black one from Nip Tuck, which is actually how I started talking to her - I got numerous people to verify it too through the night, so it's not me making it up.  Anyhoo - she came back "Just to eat her McD's"... so obviously we ended up in the scratcher with my head buried in her snack box.  Give it loads there, then a bit of hand action you know yourself.  Anyways, the big lad goes in (her lying down, me on top) and she starts telling me, as i'm working my magic, that she gets very very wet when she comes, like that it's embarassing, and that I may need to get a towel - so I'm like work away love, do your worst - but then I actually feel something building inside her, and build and build - so I take the big lad out as the pressure gets a bit much - and then she just explodes - I am not kidding when I say spray hit my chin - gushing and gushing all over the place - for at least ten seconds non stop - waterworks everywhere - with her on the bottom, she obviously gets the worst of it but I was not exactly bone dry.

 

So what do you do?

 

Well I laughed my ass off and got the big fella back in there for round two - thinking well at least that's all out of her now - I was wrong.  She went again - splashing all over the place.  My bed was completely ruined.  I am not joking when I say that the next day when I picked up the towel that she had put under here - was literally wringing wet.  Like it had just come out of the wash.

 

Loved it.

"

Ninja!

Ouch

So there is a girl working in the same company as me... Yeah yeah I know, I shouldn't try to pick up anyone that I work with.... Yes that is true, but this girl is probably the prettiest thing I have ever seen! She is like a little porcelain doll (with huge boobs) and she is awesome to talk with. Definitely girlfriend material! 

I flan angled a lunch "meeting" with her last week to discuss her role in the company, because I'm thinking of applying for a similar role... Total horseshit of course, I just wanted to get some time with her.

Now I thought I was fucking kick ass during our little lunch date. Looked like she was having a great time. She seemed quite into me, and like generally I am very good at telling. But today I have been pretty comprehensively blown off... WTF man!! I feel like going over there and explaining things to her!

"Listen retard I **ACTUALLY** like you this isn't just some random pick up... now cut the shit and lets fuck!"

 

You know even after a full year of getting blown out by chicks that shit still hurts sometimes. 

Mad Mal 2: The Road Warrior

"Man, that's it, I am seriously cutting down on my drinking! Really have to put a stop to this."

Mal had been out pretty much constantly for the last week and was feeling the effects. I could see the steely determination in his eyes. He looked serious.

"I'm giving up drinking now. " He paused and thought hard for a second. "Apart from weekends obviously....... and work do's. I've got one of those on Thursday, its a free bar! I am definitely taking advantage of that... And obviously tonight cos ya know, we're drinking now"

"So Mal, basically, what you're telling me is that you're not going drink Tuesday and Wednesday?"

"Um.... yeah, ha ha!"

I've been friends with Mal since 2002 when we were on work experience together back in Ireland. He's one of my best friends and is an awesome guy. He started this Pick Up stuff with me but didn't get as into it as I did. Actually I think that's because he was better than me with girls before we started. Like the concept of laying chicks was pretty normal for him where as to me it seemed fucking mystical or some shit. 

Of all the guys I hang around with he's definitely the sanest. Although he is prone to week long alcohol binges and dropping shit heaps of money on drink fueled insanity sessions... Oh yeah and nothing is his fault, ever! Mal drops 2K in a strip club while completely wasted, not his fault man... Everyone else who was there was to blame for creating the environment where that kind of behaviour was acceptable. Mal calls his credit card company the next day and pretends it was stolen so he doesn't have to pay the bill.... Well that was Crazy Horses(More on this mad man in the future) fault for suggesting the idea! He manages to keep a nice level of self delusion on these kinds of things and I reckon that is what keeps him appearing sane at least.

Right now at this very moment(00:33 on a Wednesday) , if I wanted to go out he would come along. If I was in a shit mood he would sit there and listen to my bitching. The dude has got great get up and go about him actually... Which is good cos I am a lazy fuck at the best of times! 

He is seeing a nurse at the moment in her 30s. I think they are kinda steady or something right now. More or less every time I talk with him he has got some story about the nasty shit he is doing to her.... The last story involved a balcony, handcuffs and a PVC devil outfit. LOL, Legend ! Although Mal is not brilliant with chicks he is generally not stuck for a girlfriend! Oh yeah and he is also prone to banging crazies off internet dating sites. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is something I am going to throw my hat at in the near future.... so stay tuned!

OK I've got shit to do and its late so I'm not writing any more you fuckers !! Go watch some porn or something!

Shakey Jakey

So Jake has been my flatmate now for the last 2 months. He's an accountant in his late 20's. Good flatmate, he's pretty funny and very laid back. And, in a way that only an Irish country lad could be, he is also one of the greatest ignoramuses that I have ever met. He is totally unappreciative of my awesomeness... I clean the flat, I make him tea, I get him laid and not so much as a "thank you"!

For instance, I met this South African girl at a club there about two weeks ago. Chatted to her for about 15 or 20 minutes and got her number... Now I was pretty shit faced and, if memory serves me correctly, herself and her pal were dancing around like two chimps on acid. So naturally I expected it to be another flaky number to add to my collection. 

But low and behold a few days later on the Thursday after a few phone calls and some "Drunk and Lonely Texting", a la Captain Jack, these two are considering calling over at 2am!! Rock and Roll!

They are fucking miles away from my place so I offer to pay for their taxi (what a gentleman!). I know there is two of them so I attempt to get Jakey out of bed. He is very reluctant so I just leave him off and hit shower to wash my balls.  

I get a phone call about 2:30 so I rock down to meet them.... And, what the hell, my chick is paralytic drunk. The other one though, who turns out to be way hotter, is gamey as fuck! That'll work. Up we go to the apartment... I open the door and I see Jake sitting there on the couch like Hugh fucking Heiffner. Next, in what seemed like a 10 second time span my girl passes out, the other one dives head first onto Jakes balls and I sit there in shock!! Amazing! I spend the remaining few hours before work sulking in my room while Jakey bangs the shit out of the hottie next door!

So the two of us are hanging out the next day. Now I am tired and pissed off and like questioning my application of game and my attractiveness to chicks and shit. And this fucker is sitting there complaining about how fucking tired he is!! Like I ruined his night or something.

I'm trying to frame this someway positively so I am thinking " you know, at least someone got laid and although he hasn't thanked me, I am sure deep down, Jake must be considering entering me into the 'best flatmate in the world' competition after this..." 

Just then he starts telling me about this unbelievably hot girl he knows who he is coming down to London soon. He likes her friend and she is single.... "Awesome" I thought! Then the following words leave his mouth.

"Yeah she is stunning man, the definition of soft! I am going to set her up with Ross!"

I promptly proceed to lose the plot.

Sex and the ninja? What kind of a stupid name is that?

So for my first post ever, in the history of the universe, I'm just going to tell all you fuckers what kinds of literary treats I plan on putting up here in the future. 

"Well go on then.... what can I expect?"

Basically for the past year or so I've been on a mission to improve my (previously non existant) love life and get laid on a regular basis. Now this entails going out lots and lots and pretty much forcing yourself to chat up everything that moves until you get better at it. As you can imagine this leads to lots of funny situations especially when you tend to drink too much, hang out with 3 guys who would make good characters on any sit com and you yourself happen to be slightly demented at the best of times.

"Get on with it dude! What kind of things am I going to be reading about on here?"

Well over the coming months I'll be posting about the funny situations that me and my pals get into on nights out, my personal battle with vagina, a little pick up type stuff for good measure and probably lots of other random nonsense that takes my fancy also. I reckon for the next post I'll give a little background info on the main characters in my life and describe them best I can....

"Awesome !!"

I know dude! Until then....