In need of love and attention

Your favourite blogger is currently laid up sick.... Watching Lord of the Rings and playing GTA 4. Being sick sucks very hairy balls.

All together now... Everybody say awww.

Please feel free to comment and tell me how sorry you feel for me!

Quick update

Righto, 

Had Comedy gig number two on Monday. Fucking Rocked! Just been watching the video of it now and I was pretty fucking good.... Not amazingly good, but pretty good! Lots of room for improvement but its a serious rush when it goes well. Boo ya!

Oh and after the gig a couple of chicks basically dived on me. Hopefully should be meeting one of them soon to fuck her senseless.

In other news.... 

• Jake is quite possibly queer. He appears to be in love with a friend of his... It is very weird and extremely funny at the same time.
  
• The bank of Mal has gone completely bust... While we were SHITFACED a week back some dude stole his bank card or some shit and cleared out 4K from his account... Ouch!
  
• Ross is now in love with his GF and is not even trying to hide it! Shocking eh? Good for him though... She is a great girl!
  

Connor out!

Yo Yo Yo

So I didn't bother posting Wednesday.... Primarily because I was too fucking lazy.  Yeah that's right! I was feeling lazy! How do you like those apples?

So the Comedy thing last Tuesday was a  fucking disaster! I swear to fuck tumble weed hit me at one stage... I have cycled through blaming the compare, the fact that it was more a restaurant than comedy club, Jesus (because he is a cunt) and the crowd themselves for not understanding true genius.... What ever it was it certainly wasn't my fault.  Yes exactly, that would be impossible!

Next one is tomorrow so lets see how that goes! 

My date from Wednesday flaked, the she flaked again today. Booooooo to flakes!

My game appears to have gone to complete fuck and I am kinda sick of going out too. Kinda of a slow patch for me right now. However, fret not gentle reader. I intend to fix that in the coming weeks!

I am watching Alien here now and then I am going to bed to dream rock and roll dreams.

Uh oh!

Hey Fuckbags!

I know I know... I haven't been posting much as of late. But hang in there boys and girls... I'll be back soon! Been super busy with Jiu Jitsu, comedy and a very dodgy internet money making scheme for the last few weeks. 

In fact I'm making my stand up comedy debut tomorrow night and I've been working on material for that in my spare time lately. On the plus side though I am pretty sure I am now the most hilarious man EVER!! But on the negative side my wrap is gone to fuck. I think its because my stand up style is very much different to the cocky playful attitude that works well with girls. 

Although in saying that I do have a date (well supposedly cos she flaked on my Sunday) with the tallest girl in the world! This big fucking tall blonde thing, which is pretty funny as I am only 5'8". Can't wait to figure out how this is going to work!

Anyhoo the point of this is that I am fucking nervous about this comedy tomorrow! And like, I wasn't expecting to be nervous until tomorrow evening. Fucking fiddlesticks on it anyway. I don't like being nervous!

It's like you know when you were younger and you were really crazy about some girl but you don't know if she likes you. Like you'd text her and in the time until she replies you feel fucking sick with nervousness. Well I feel like that right now...

I'll post Wednesday to say how it goes.

Peace out muachahos! 

Back in the day

Sitting at my computer with the most severe hangover in quite some time... I am coming out in cold sweats and my head is fucking POUNDING. The sweet sweet sounds of the Scorpians is now the only thing that is providing me with any relief here. I'd write about last night but I have no idea what happened. The only things I know for sure is that I smashed my iPhone and I have a very strange feeling of guilt.

Well I was going through old files on my tomhooter here and I found my old "Game" diary which would be almost exactly a year old now. Reading back on some of this shit, its pretty funny. I don't keep one of these anymore but I am thinking I should really. 

Here are a couple of entries from late Feb 2008... Back then I was happy to open a set of people and have them hook (basically not weird them out and have them want to talk with me more). 

================== Fri =======================

# Sets: Like 9 or 10

This was funny enough actually. I tried to do like as many two sets as possible. Here is the one that sticks out. 

Ok so I waltz over to this 2 set and start up. I attempt to merge them back with the group I was hanging out with when all of a sudden it turned into a 4 set. So no bother I went to work on the other two and brought them all over to my friends. Now here i pawned off the original 2 on my friends and start qualifying the second 2 girls

Basically I qualified them both, but using opposite girl to tell me cool things about the other... Each girl is wrapped around either side of me at this stage and they are both all over me. I'm parading them around the club role playing and shit. I tell them I am going to marry the two of them and we will all love each other etc... Now I couldn't really figure out which one I wanted to be with more and although they were both in state I really would have needed slow it down and SOI them properly. But something else kinda creeped into my mind so I kiss one of them... then I kiss the other one... then I get them to kiss each other and then we do a three way make out.... LOL Never did that before, it was awesome!!!

When I started paying attention to one more than the other one of them got fucking jealous or something and dragged the other away... I actually number closed one of the original girls from the set then and was into comfort with her when one of the 3way make out girls comes over and drags her away... then they all left, balls!

- By the way subsequent photo graphical evidence showed that these girls were all fucking hideous!

================== Sat =======================

# Sets: Probably over 30

Being that it was my birthday during the week myself and my flat mate decided to celebrate by getting absolutely OBLITERATED!! We drank a bottle of Jim Beam and then a bottle of scotch and worked ourselves into a frenzy by listening to Micheal fucking Bolton and bonnie Tyler and  then watching old skool.

I went out like an unstoppable cyclone of raw machismo. I was completely demented and must have done around about 40 sets or so, however I havn't the faintest idea what happened so it didn't serve me much use...

I was informed by one of the lads that I was going around licking girls faces and randomly smacking them on the ass, lol. Its been alleged that I used the opportunity to work on my polemics and got myself into one or two heated debates with random dudes. There was one guy whose girlfriend threw a drink on me, LOL!! I supposedly just started laughing at her... Clearly in my mind I was operating with complete and utter impunity.

Today I had the worst hangover of my life, the agony I felt this morning was incredible. Right now i have a pain in my fucking eyeball. I'm going to bed, I swear I can still taste the the Jim Beam.

=====================================

As you can see from that second story I am developing very well as a person and not making the same mistakes more than a couple of hundred times or so... ha

In other news I am going to the doctor tomorrow to see that the craic is with me auld knee. Starting to feel a bit better so hopefully its nothing too serious. Should be back in action with new stories for everyone come Thursday!

Blame it on Rio part 2, yet another short story by Crazy Horse

Strap yourseves in  and feel the Gs fuckbags!

=====================================

I’ve been to Brazil numerous times but I learned after the first time, bjj training was for the asexual among us, real men go to party.  This trip I by-passed the training and nearly killed myself n the process. This time I brought my buddy Nestor with us. He is a fashion photographer who has no problem picking up chicks but there is something magical when he breaks out the camera.  He can make anyone look amazing and after a few clicks we generally have a line of women posing.  

This trip brought no calm before the storm.  I meet some of my friends at a Bodega turn bar/rodizio at night with plastic chairs and tables outside on the warm night. My Brazilian buddy had just broken up with his girlfriend and in the mood to party hard so he broke out a bottle of scotch to kick off right. Nestor breaks out the camera and soon we have 10-20 girls joining us. We take some names and numbers leaving promises to meet up later as we decided it was time to hit the club. 

Susio tells us we are going to the hottest club in Rio and by this point I am pretty bent. When we arrive the line to get in is a mile long, literally.  “Don’t worry, my brother” He tells me “we’ll talk to the guy at the door.” Our crew, then twenty deep and mostly professional fighters, pushes our way through the line to the front. I actually felt a little bad but then again these guys were the locals so when in Rome…  As it turns out, they don’t actually know the guys at the door and what they meant by “talk” was run over. We bum rush our way inside and scatter to the four winds until the ruckus dies down.  At this point, I think it is a good idea to keep a low profile so I start chatting up some chick at the bar comparing tattoos when a waitress comes by with a tray of shots in test tubes.  Keeping with the ninja persona I’ve taken on I decide to purchase the whole tray, stand up on the bar stool and start throwing them out to everyone.  It is actually quite difficult to spend $300 on alcohol in a bar down there but not when you pull this same stunt three more times. 

By then the jet-lag and the booze are taking their toll.  Mentally I have checked out but physically I danced on for hours.  The light turned back on in my head sometime around 3AM when I realized I was in a conversation with some chick named Bianca.  Blah, blah, blah… I’m a musician…. Blah, blah, blah… I’m having a BBQ tomorrow.  A BBQ? Hey, can I get in on that? Baby, that’s why I am telling you.  So I take the number and move on.  I may have mauled her too but I am sure I probably did during the blackout anyway. On the ride home, I can’t remember what she looked like and I was sure her musical ability laid along the lines of Zamphir the Pan Flute so I decide not to call her. 

Next Night is the big one that I’ve been waiting for, the Chemical Rave in the Tijuca forest.  This was insane.  Nestor (camera in tow) and I are there and hit the scene like VIPs. I am downing vodka and red bull and am already tweaked on weed. Tony Manero had nothing on me as I danced up a storm with too many chicks to remember.  At one point I ended up on a Brazilian television program filming the rave. There were thousands of people, grinding everyone. Among this mass I happen to run into Bianca I blew off earlier.  Damn, she was hot.  I threw a bunch of “Babies” and “I called you but I can’t figure out the area codes down here”, enough to set up a meet and greet the next day. 

We move on and I am back on the hunt.  We have settled into the VIP section which has a raised dais with mattresses and couches, no joke, and at this point have pulled a few of the models working the event. It was later I would realize that having a camera always with us was a double edged sword.  It attracts chicks but it leaves a trail of evidence. I pick up one of the girls and throw her on the couch approaching her like an Aztec sun god. Forgetting all around me I proceeded to rail the shit out of her.  Needless to say, thanks to Nestor, I will never be able to run for public office (outside of Vegas). 

Eventually, the sun comes up and we party on until noon.  It was then I realized that I had no sun screen and if we didn’t get moving I would die. I convince the chicks to drive us home. That was a surreal moment in the trip.  Here I am in this chick’s car, she barely speaks English and I just generally want to get away afterwards.  I can’t help but look at them after and think I can’t believe what you just let me do to you.  That couldn’t have been comfortable for you. It is then that this chick’s son calls her and for some unknown reason puts me on the phone with him.  All I can mutter is “And what is your name? Are you doing well in school? Did you know your mother could put both legs entirely behind her head?” Luckily, I make it back to the hotel room with only a minor bit of shame. 

Now what to do with the musician? At this point I don’t want to see her.  I assume this is definitely some classical music BS.  I decided once again to drag Nestor along.  Bianca as it turns out is the lead guitarist in an all-girl Brazilian punk band and was once again hot as hell.  I have the memory of a dog and soon as a chick is out of sight and out of mind I assume the worst. Now I am digging this and am ready to lay the smack down on any dude that come near her and her too for the hell of it. Problem is that I’ve slept a total of five hours in three days. That’s like trying to get an erection at a Weight Watchers convention. Even in the best of times a guy needs a little help and thank god we have our top scientists focusing on what matters flaccid penis syndrome and male pattern baldness. Fck cancer!  I pop a few like M&Ms Nestor and I take Bianca and the bassist back to their apartment and I don’t leave for another week.  Once again missing my flight home and calling work to say I lost my passport and couldn’t leave the country. 

D'OH

OK well I did almost none of the things I said I was going to do on that list, lol. But in fairness to me my fucking knee is completely shot from BJJ. 

... Queue massive moan

So I did it Monday last week. It all got swollen up and shit but I just thought it would be fine in a few days. I kept going training even when it wasn't good. I didn't fight or anything, just did the techniques. I was also doing a little day approaching. Not much.... but a little. Well guess what, its not fucking better and now I am depressed. I am taking the next 2 days to do nothing. Going to see the doctor now on Monday too. Hopefully I will be ok by then anyway. 

Today I am going to leave work early, go home, make myself some soup and feel sorry for myself. Should be good. 

Did I mention I am in a depressed mood?

Oh and in other news I have booked flights out to see Crazy Horse for 5 days at the start of May. Hoping to convince Mal to come along too.