Shakey Jakey

So Jake has been my flatmate now for the last 2 months. He's an accountant in his late 20's. Good flatmate, he's pretty funny and very laid back. And, in a way that only an Irish country lad could be, he is also one of the greatest ignoramuses that I have ever met. He is totally unappreciative of my awesomeness... I clean the flat, I make him tea, I get him laid and not so much as a "thank you"!

For instance, I met this South African girl at a club there about two weeks ago. Chatted to her for about 15 or 20 minutes and got her number... Now I was pretty shit faced and, if memory serves me correctly, herself and her pal were dancing around like two chimps on acid. So naturally I expected it to be another flaky number to add to my collection. 

But low and behold a few days later on the Thursday after a few phone calls and some "Drunk and Lonely Texting", a la Captain Jack, these two are considering calling over at 2am!! Rock and Roll!

They are fucking miles away from my place so I offer to pay for their taxi (what a gentleman!). I know there is two of them so I attempt to get Jakey out of bed. He is very reluctant so I just leave him off and hit shower to wash my balls.  

I get a phone call about 2:30 so I rock down to meet them.... And, what the hell, my chick is paralytic drunk. The other one though, who turns out to be way hotter, is gamey as fuck! That'll work. Up we go to the apartment... I open the door and I see Jake sitting there on the couch like Hugh fucking Heiffner. Next, in what seemed like a 10 second time span my girl passes out, the other one dives head first onto Jakes balls and I sit there in shock!! Amazing! I spend the remaining few hours before work sulking in my room while Jakey bangs the shit out of the hottie next door!

So the two of us are hanging out the next day. Now I am tired and pissed off and like questioning my application of game and my attractiveness to chicks and shit. And this fucker is sitting there complaining about how fucking tired he is!! Like I ruined his night or something.

I'm trying to frame this someway positively so I am thinking " you know, at least someone got laid and although he hasn't thanked me, I am sure deep down, Jake must be considering entering me into the 'best flatmate in the world' competition after this..." 

Just then he starts telling me about this unbelievably hot girl he knows who he is coming down to London soon. He likes her friend and she is single.... "Awesome" I thought! Then the following words leave his mouth.

"Yeah she is stunning man, the definition of soft! I am going to set her up with Ross!"

I promptly proceed to lose the plot.