Uh oh!

Hey Fuckbags!

I know I know... I haven't been posting much as of late. But hang in there boys and girls... I'll be back soon! Been super busy with Jiu Jitsu, comedy and a very dodgy internet money making scheme for the last few weeks. 

In fact I'm making my stand up comedy debut tomorrow night and I've been working on material for that in my spare time lately. On the plus side though I am pretty sure I am now the most hilarious man EVER!! But on the negative side my wrap is gone to fuck. I think its because my stand up style is very much different to the cocky playful attitude that works well with girls. 

Although in saying that I do have a date (well supposedly cos she flaked on my Sunday) with the tallest girl in the world! This big fucking tall blonde thing, which is pretty funny as I am only 5'8". Can't wait to figure out how this is going to work!

Anyhoo the point of this is that I am fucking nervous about this comedy tomorrow! And like, I wasn't expecting to be nervous until tomorrow evening. Fucking fiddlesticks on it anyway. I don't like being nervous!

It's like you know when you were younger and you were really crazy about some girl but you don't know if she likes you. Like you'd text her and in the time until she replies you feel fucking sick with nervousness. Well I feel like that right now...

I'll post Wednesday to say how it goes.

Peace out muachahos! 

Back in the day

Sitting at my computer with the most severe hangover in quite some time... I am coming out in cold sweats and my head is fucking POUNDING. The sweet sweet sounds of the Scorpians is now the only thing that is providing me with any relief here. I'd write about last night but I have no idea what happened. The only things I know for sure is that I smashed my iPhone and I have a very strange feeling of guilt.

Well I was going through old files on my tomhooter here and I found my old "Game" diary which would be almost exactly a year old now. Reading back on some of this shit, its pretty funny. I don't keep one of these anymore but I am thinking I should really. 

Here are a couple of entries from late Feb 2008... Back then I was happy to open a set of people and have them hook (basically not weird them out and have them want to talk with me more). 

================== Fri =======================

# Sets: Like 9 or 10

This was funny enough actually. I tried to do like as many two sets as possible. Here is the one that sticks out. 

Ok so I waltz over to this 2 set and start up. I attempt to merge them back with the group I was hanging out with when all of a sudden it turned into a 4 set. So no bother I went to work on the other two and brought them all over to my friends. Now here i pawned off the original 2 on my friends and start qualifying the second 2 girls

Basically I qualified them both, but using opposite girl to tell me cool things about the other... Each girl is wrapped around either side of me at this stage and they are both all over me. I'm parading them around the club role playing and shit. I tell them I am going to marry the two of them and we will all love each other etc... Now I couldn't really figure out which one I wanted to be with more and although they were both in state I really would have needed slow it down and SOI them properly. But something else kinda creeped into my mind so I kiss one of them... then I kiss the other one... then I get them to kiss each other and then we do a three way make out.... LOL Never did that before, it was awesome!!!

When I started paying attention to one more than the other one of them got fucking jealous or something and dragged the other away... I actually number closed one of the original girls from the set then and was into comfort with her when one of the 3way make out girls comes over and drags her away... then they all left, balls!

- By the way subsequent photo graphical evidence showed that these girls were all fucking hideous!

================== Sat =======================

# Sets: Probably over 30

Being that it was my birthday during the week myself and my flat mate decided to celebrate by getting absolutely OBLITERATED!! We drank a bottle of Jim Beam and then a bottle of scotch and worked ourselves into a frenzy by listening to Micheal fucking Bolton and bonnie Tyler and  then watching old skool.

I went out like an unstoppable cyclone of raw machismo. I was completely demented and must have done around about 40 sets or so, however I havn't the faintest idea what happened so it didn't serve me much use...

I was informed by one of the lads that I was going around licking girls faces and randomly smacking them on the ass, lol. Its been alleged that I used the opportunity to work on my polemics and got myself into one or two heated debates with random dudes. There was one guy whose girlfriend threw a drink on me, LOL!! I supposedly just started laughing at her... Clearly in my mind I was operating with complete and utter impunity.

Today I had the worst hangover of my life, the agony I felt this morning was incredible. Right now i have a pain in my fucking eyeball. I'm going to bed, I swear I can still taste the the Jim Beam.

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As you can see from that second story I am developing very well as a person and not making the same mistakes more than a couple of hundred times or so... ha

In other news I am going to the doctor tomorrow to see that the craic is with me auld knee. Starting to feel a bit better so hopefully its nothing too serious. Should be back in action with new stories for everyone come Thursday!

Blame it on Rio part 2, yet another short story by Crazy Horse

Strap yourseves in  and feel the Gs fuckbags!

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I’ve been to Brazil numerous times but I learned after the first time, bjj training was for the asexual among us, real men go to party.  This trip I by-passed the training and nearly killed myself n the process. This time I brought my buddy Nestor with us. He is a fashion photographer who has no problem picking up chicks but there is something magical when he breaks out the camera.  He can make anyone look amazing and after a few clicks we generally have a line of women posing.  

This trip brought no calm before the storm.  I meet some of my friends at a Bodega turn bar/rodizio at night with plastic chairs and tables outside on the warm night. My Brazilian buddy had just broken up with his girlfriend and in the mood to party hard so he broke out a bottle of scotch to kick off right. Nestor breaks out the camera and soon we have 10-20 girls joining us. We take some names and numbers leaving promises to meet up later as we decided it was time to hit the club. 

Susio tells us we are going to the hottest club in Rio and by this point I am pretty bent. When we arrive the line to get in is a mile long, literally.  “Don’t worry, my brother” He tells me “we’ll talk to the guy at the door.” Our crew, then twenty deep and mostly professional fighters, pushes our way through the line to the front. I actually felt a little bad but then again these guys were the locals so when in Rome…  As it turns out, they don’t actually know the guys at the door and what they meant by “talk” was run over. We bum rush our way inside and scatter to the four winds until the ruckus dies down.  At this point, I think it is a good idea to keep a low profile so I start chatting up some chick at the bar comparing tattoos when a waitress comes by with a tray of shots in test tubes.  Keeping with the ninja persona I’ve taken on I decide to purchase the whole tray, stand up on the bar stool and start throwing them out to everyone.  It is actually quite difficult to spend $300 on alcohol in a bar down there but not when you pull this same stunt three more times. 

By then the jet-lag and the booze are taking their toll.  Mentally I have checked out but physically I danced on for hours.  The light turned back on in my head sometime around 3AM when I realized I was in a conversation with some chick named Bianca.  Blah, blah, blah… I’m a musician…. Blah, blah, blah… I’m having a BBQ tomorrow.  A BBQ? Hey, can I get in on that? Baby, that’s why I am telling you.  So I take the number and move on.  I may have mauled her too but I am sure I probably did during the blackout anyway. On the ride home, I can’t remember what she looked like and I was sure her musical ability laid along the lines of Zamphir the Pan Flute so I decide not to call her. 

Next Night is the big one that I’ve been waiting for, the Chemical Rave in the Tijuca forest.  This was insane.  Nestor (camera in tow) and I are there and hit the scene like VIPs. I am downing vodka and red bull and am already tweaked on weed. Tony Manero had nothing on me as I danced up a storm with too many chicks to remember.  At one point I ended up on a Brazilian television program filming the rave. There were thousands of people, grinding everyone. Among this mass I happen to run into Bianca I blew off earlier.  Damn, she was hot.  I threw a bunch of “Babies” and “I called you but I can’t figure out the area codes down here”, enough to set up a meet and greet the next day. 

We move on and I am back on the hunt.  We have settled into the VIP section which has a raised dais with mattresses and couches, no joke, and at this point have pulled a few of the models working the event. It was later I would realize that having a camera always with us was a double edged sword.  It attracts chicks but it leaves a trail of evidence. I pick up one of the girls and throw her on the couch approaching her like an Aztec sun god. Forgetting all around me I proceeded to rail the shit out of her.  Needless to say, thanks to Nestor, I will never be able to run for public office (outside of Vegas). 

Eventually, the sun comes up and we party on until noon.  It was then I realized that I had no sun screen and if we didn’t get moving I would die. I convince the chicks to drive us home. That was a surreal moment in the trip.  Here I am in this chick’s car, she barely speaks English and I just generally want to get away afterwards.  I can’t help but look at them after and think I can’t believe what you just let me do to you.  That couldn’t have been comfortable for you. It is then that this chick’s son calls her and for some unknown reason puts me on the phone with him.  All I can mutter is “And what is your name? Are you doing well in school? Did you know your mother could put both legs entirely behind her head?” Luckily, I make it back to the hotel room with only a minor bit of shame. 

Now what to do with the musician? At this point I don’t want to see her.  I assume this is definitely some classical music BS.  I decided once again to drag Nestor along.  Bianca as it turns out is the lead guitarist in an all-girl Brazilian punk band and was once again hot as hell.  I have the memory of a dog and soon as a chick is out of sight and out of mind I assume the worst. Now I am digging this and am ready to lay the smack down on any dude that come near her and her too for the hell of it. Problem is that I’ve slept a total of five hours in three days. That’s like trying to get an erection at a Weight Watchers convention. Even in the best of times a guy needs a little help and thank god we have our top scientists focusing on what matters flaccid penis syndrome and male pattern baldness. Fck cancer!  I pop a few like M&Ms Nestor and I take Bianca and the bassist back to their apartment and I don’t leave for another week.  Once again missing my flight home and calling work to say I lost my passport and couldn’t leave the country. 

D'OH

OK well I did almost none of the things I said I was going to do on that list, lol. But in fairness to me my fucking knee is completely shot from BJJ. 

... Queue massive moan

So I did it Monday last week. It all got swollen up and shit but I just thought it would be fine in a few days. I kept going training even when it wasn't good. I didn't fight or anything, just did the techniques. I was also doing a little day approaching. Not much.... but a little. Well guess what, its not fucking better and now I am depressed. I am taking the next 2 days to do nothing. Going to see the doctor now on Monday too. Hopefully I will be ok by then anyway. 

Today I am going to leave work early, go home, make myself some soup and feel sorry for myself. Should be good. 

Did I mention I am in a depressed mood?

Oh and in other news I have booked flights out to see Crazy Horse for 5 days at the start of May. Hoping to convince Mal to come along too. 

The Next 10 days

Right, 

I am pretty much working solo for the next 10 days! None of the lads are around. Insubordination is what this is. Mal is staying in all this weekend and next weekend he is going off to Edinburgh. Ross is travelling to New Orleans tomorrow where he intends to become a porn star ( Yes, you read that right... I'll write up more on this later). He won't be back until the week after next. Jake is broke he reckons... although he is probably just suffering from shame after having sex with the Riddler the week before last. I absolutely HATE going out on my own... but by PDP I must do it! 

I have done sweet fuck all charming as of late. Literally I think last saturday was the only time I've done anything in over 2 weeks.. shocking stuff. Anwyay here is the plan of action. I invite you all, now, to bask in its effervescent glory.

Today: Going out with Dutch girl

Tomorrow: I rounded up one of the lads from work to head out with me

Sunday: I have a blind date which my good friend, drunken Connor, set up for me last saturday. No idea what this chick is like but she is probably heinous. If she is even semi decent I will give her a blast. Chances are low though as my drunken self's standards are not very high.

Monday: Training.

Tuesday: Stand up class. However, I vow to go out on my own after this for at least an hour. If I do not may PDP eat a thousand Christian babies. 

Wednesday: Training.

Thursday: Training BUT I will be finished by 9pm so again I promise to myself and every fan of sex and the ninja that I will go out and talk to girls on my own!

Friday: No plans... I'll see if anyone is game for hijinks or I will hook up with Dutch girl maybe.

Saturday: Jake has organised a little party in the old maison so I am sure there will be girls there... It is highly likely I will be completely plastered though. 

Sunday: I'll keep this free but I'll probably be watching stand up. Any dates I have organised can come along to this.

After that Mal is back in town and he has friends around from home so there will be lots of going out that week... yay!

By the way.... 3 posts today!! Now I don't want to brag or anything but... I am the greatest blogger in the fucking universe.

Crazy Horse gets violated... A first person account

If you haven't read the first part of this STOP NOW and go HERE first. This is Crazy Horse's side of the story... I can't stop laughing!

====================

Ok so here is what happened.  The evening starts off nice, dinner and our usual conversation of sexually laced banter full of innuendos and dares like taking her panties off at the table and passing them to me to hold onto. She tells me that she has recently broken up with everyone and is looking to get control on her life, perhaps settle down.  I’m thinking we got a good thing going. Why ruin it? As a male I ignore these threats to focus on the goal at hand. We can deal with this later (or not).

She wants to tie me up. Not something I’m into but I acquiesce thinking she will just ride me, etc. but no. She gets me naked and in this Japanese rope bondage set up, new trick, and I am wracked with pain.  You can’t move to a position that isn’t unbearable. What happens next?  She leaves the room to watch TV, clean the apartment and pay her bills. WTF!?!  Occasionally, she drops in to check in on me and by “check in” I mean verbally abuse me – telling me I am a worthless, pitiful, disgust her, etc.  Occasionally, I get a slap across the face but that apparently wasn’t the point of this. I am not sure what was.  I would have preferred to be beaten. Personally, I am not into that type stuff but this mental torture was horrible.

I kid you not, by this point I am frothing at the mouth with rage when she decides to finally let me out.  I become a wild animal then ravaging her as I have never ravaged anyone in my life – think about a fat kid diving into chocolate cake at a fat camp.  Twice.

This girl wants to settle down and I am honestly afraid as to what that means.  I finally found someone more deviant than me and I am not sure I like.  I haven’t closed the door on it but for the first time I am just not sure. LOL

Crazy Horse gets violated

This is the email conversation I had with Crazy Horse earlier today....

CH: I don't think I can hang with MC anymore  *MC, by the way, is the bisexual Fuck Buddy of Crazy Horse* .  We are bad together.

Connor: Why so?

CH:  Well first, what we do to each other isn't normal and her level of deviance is starting to exceed mine and second, she has broken up with her gf/bf and is starting to think she wants to settle down. The last one is a major red flag since it is not an option for me. LOL

Connor:  LMAO... deviance worse than yours?? I find this intriguing... do tell.

CH:  It left me with a bit of shame. LOL. I can't put it in the work email. You'll have to wait until I can email you from home.

Connor: I certainly hope nothing entered thine sacrad cavity of holiness?

CH:  LOL. I knew that is what you would think but, thankfully, no. Trust me she has mentioned it before but I told her that I would seriously kill her if she tried. 

Connor:  You sir sit on a throne of lies!! I can smell the dishonesty from here... You have been sodomised. Either PDP will grant you god like powers or cast you into his bottomless belly for this.

CH:  LMAO!!! Upon my very soul I was not!!! May PDP strike me down. Which he likely will regardless but you get the idea.

All I can say right now is that it was more along the lines of what Mark would enjoy  *Mark, a friend of CH, likes to be beaten and tied up during sex. This came to light one night when a stripper began to spank him and he began moaning in pleasure to the shock, delight and amazement of everyone else there. He especially enjoyed it when she caught some ball with her lashings*. I prefer to be the one in control and with all the power, I do not like being helpless. It actually pissed me off quite a bit honestly. The only benefit is when I was set free I was like a wild beast.

Connor: ROTFLMAO !!!!! I don't care this has to go on the blog

*By the way, I think he has been mentally scared by this.... Yet more emails later in the day*

CH: While I accepted her request I was laughing the whole time thinking about telling you. LOL

I am going to write this up because it is funny.  Mostly it was verbal abuse and leaving me in the fcking room while she did other things in the apartment. 

Connor: HAHAHA! That is fucking awesome!!

CH: The worst thing about it, and she probably knew it, is that I am an extreme extrovert.  I hate being left alone and/or ignored.  I was going absolutely crazy.  But she had been learning this Japanese rope stuff apparently and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.  I would have preferred to be beaten.

<- Japanese fucking rope work and mental abuse... Only fucking Crazy Horse could get himself into that situation. 

Blame it on Rio - Part 1, Another short Story By Crazy Horse

So here it is folks... Our favourite guest author, Crazy Horse (who is crazy by the way), has been kind enough to write up another story to tantalise our senses and delight our minds. This one, being part of a mini series of uncompromising brilliance and audacity, takes us on a sleaze ridden ride to the beautiful beaches of rio de janeiro... enjoy

======================

Let me start off with some gross generalizations – Brazil is the best place in the world, nobody works, everybody parties, nobody has any inhibitions and Viagra is sold over the counter. People may scoff at the last bit and say they don’t need it but trust me after a week in Brazil you most certainly will. Half the time I took it before going out just to give me the incentive to meet people.  

The women down there are incredible – beautiful and super friendly.  Now there is an obvious “grass is greener” thing going on here. My Brazilian friends hate Brazilian chicks because you either have to have money, be somebody or be from the US/UK for them to give you the time of day.  However, these same guys make a killing with the chicks in NYC so I say take advantage of what you got where ever you can. 

I arrived in Rio not knowing what is in store for me and worse still knowing that I get bored easily. I generally like places that are a little shady and potentially dangerous.  I knew this would be a good trip as soon as I got into a cab on my way to the hotel when I saw a 6’6” tranny throwing a cinderblock at a cop car. I thought to myself I’m going to like it here. 

The trip started off great when I scored first at the exchange counter.  I caught this girl’s eye, smiled, and then waved when she walked away.  Not thinking much of it I was practically tackled when leaving the exchanger.  I don’t really know what was said, or care, since she barely spoke English and I only speak broken Spanish (not Portuguese) but the jist of it was I like you, here’s my number call me and we can hang out at your hotel.  We did and it was that night that I thought “Someone told me you don’t need a prescription for Viagra down here. I’ll have to look into that at the Pharmacy tomorrow.” 

Among the motley crew I was with, three of us stood out – myself, Brad from Iowa (all the Brazilian chicks called “Leonardo Di Caprio”) and Chino (Chinese guy).  Women would approach us on the street under any pretext – “Hey, I like your tattoos. Here’s my number.” After a few days of training and only mild partying the wheels came off the wagon as I kicked off a bender.  I bought two arm’s full of 40 .oz beers, Chino scored some weed and we made a gravity bong.  At this point I am uncontainable, bouncing off the walls and screaming at people in Chinese curses I picked up on my travels.  My friend Rafael pleaded with me to relax as he was afraid I, an obvious gringo, would end up in a favella (which I did) and would get mugged (which, by the grace of PDP, never happened). 

That night, in particular, was funny as we headed out to a club where I decide to play up the Leonardo Di Caprio thing.  Brad didn’t know it yet but he copped on pretty quick to my game.  Anywhere he went I would stand at his shoulder with one hand covering my ear and the other in my pocket.  When he went to the restroom, I checked it out first to make sure the coast was clear. I stated rather loudly that I promised his “manager” that I would get him to the studio by the next morning no ifs, ands or buts.  It was at this point that the gaggle of girls around us asked who he was.  “Why, he’s Danny Doyle from America’s newest pop group the Flash Bottom Boys.” I was an ex-special forces operative now working security to the stars of course.  To sell the story, I then purchased a few bottles of champagne and reserved a table, at seven real to the dollar it was like a cup of coffee. We later took the party back to the hotel room and gave the girls a story to remember, not to mention some autographs – worth $0.05 on eBay. 

Now this is not to say that I am without heart.  Truth be told, I fall in love every time I go down to Brazil.  Later in Sao Paolo I met up with some other friends. We go to a bar/club/restaurant thing sit down for a casual meal and a chat.  My buddy’s wife goes to the restroom and as soon as she leaves the girls next to us come over and tell my friend he is hot. He says thank you and moves on.  His wife returns when I see the most beautiful Japanese/Brazilian girl in my life. My friend’s wife then gets up to talk to her to bring her over.  While she is away the other girls approach us again and tell my friend that they really like him.  He replies that he is married to which they say “We know”. God I love this place. My friend’s wife comes back with the chick in tow.  She is excited to meet this guy from New York and she has always wanted to go there (they all do).  I tell her that I’m an ass model and she asks me if I think she could be.  I give her a good feel and tell her that she needs some work and there is a gym around the corner (not true, you could bounce a quarter of her ass). Anyway, I then proceed to tell her that her parent’s lied to her about her Japanese heritage as she is obviously Chinese and refuse to hear any of her arguments until she offers to take me around Little Tokyo the next day.  The next day turns into five as I missed my flight and stayed with her until I ran out of cash.  I thought if I could put her out to hook I could stay longer but I decided that I actually liked her so I left her with a false name, number and a promise to take her to New York. 

The last thing I remember from that trip was a Brazilian girl telling me that they like foreign guys because all Brazilian guys cheat.  After all, it’s not a like a foreign guy would traipse halfway around the world, leaving his girl back home, and hesitate to hook up with a scantily clad, sun-bathed beauty.  Nah of course not. We’re made of sterner stuff than that. 

Stay tuned for part 2....

SHYTE !!

OK on a good note I had sex with that Dutch  girl last night. On a bad note I fucked her sans condom. FUCK! Completely her fault I swear... Too many details to go into here to explain but fuck I hate that shit... Ruins perfectly good sex. Now I am awash with images of little Dutch Irish brat floating around looking for money off me and shit. At least it would be good good looking... FUCK. On a good note she is very very hot. Damn it anyway... Disgusted

On another good note here Crazy Horse, father of insanity, has written a couple of articles about his times he went to Brazil. These are jam packed with lunacy.. I'll post them up during the week. 

What a Write off!

I was expecting a big weekend there of practicing the old wrap and ironing out some more sticking points. At the moment I am working on enforcing the sexual frame by accusing the girl of being a sex freak, seeding a same night pull and something else which I can't actually remember right now. 

So instead of doing that... here is what happened

Friday: 

Went out straight after work with some of the work crowd. My friend Deirdre was leaving so went for drinks. Ended up in a weird club type place that 90% dudes and music was too loud for me to be effective. Made some valiant attempts, alas this night was a write off. 

Saturday: 

As I was Eager to actually talk to girls and practice game on Saturday the whole lot of us went to the pub to watch Ireland play England in Rugby at 3pm. Ross was back on the beer again. I have no idea how I fooled myself into thinking this was a good idea because by 8pm the whole lot of us were completely obliterated drunk! I remember nothing past 9pm. 

Jake got woken up by the staff in McDonald's at around 11:30pm as he was unconscious, face down in a Big Mac. He was thus removed from the establishment and decided to make his way home.

Ross has zero recollection of events and woke up yesterday morning with a massive cut on his face. He was last seen by Mal singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" in a mocking tone towards all the English people there (being that we actually live in England, there was quite a number of them). 

Although I remember next to fucking NOTHING it appears that my old pal drunken Connor was indeed practicing his game. I had 3 missed calls and a number of texts from a girl called Michelle at 2am. No idea who she is? Also I do remember talking to another girl in a bar previously... She was telling me her BF wanted an open relationship or something. Bear in mind I'm probably drooling all over myself at this stage. I told her I was going to fuck the living bejeezus out of her if she didn't stop talking to me, she seemed to like this. She gave me a little kiss, asked me to take her with me to a comedy show I was supposedly going to today and then left, making the "call me" hand gesture. The only thing I remember from the next bar is two girls not liking me and Ross (seriously whats that about?.... who doesn't like obnoxious drunken Irishmen?) and me telling them they were a pack of cunts (you see thats how you turn around a bad interation guys). Amazingly they didn't like this either. Some people eh? 

Mal who was with his Girlfriend, and therefore semi-sober, left out of sheer embarrassment at 11:30. He said that we were all singing Irish Rugby songs at all the English fans (we had won the game by 1 point) and the manager of the establishment had to have a word with Ross on more than one occasion. 

Sunday: 

This was actually cool once the headache died down. On Friday at lunch I got the number of a really cute Dutch girl and we went out to watch some friends of mine perform some stand up. We went for a drink after and then back to Chateau Connor to "watch a movie". No sex, D'oh. Really liked her though and will definitely see her again. 

Apart from hanging out with that girl on Sunday this has to be the biggest write off of a weekend ever. Nothing achieved apart from spending lots of money and pounding my liver.