Who am I?

Here is a conversation I had with Mal the other day on msn. Its interesting I feel and some important ideas (to my mind at least) were brought up. Mainly about giving ourselves identities and the futile nature of the rationalized self image. Started with Mal saying that he is generally passive and citing examples...

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Mal : i dunno.....generally not.....if on a wkd urself or Jake etc don't want to go out....ill just say...fair enough and see if the other lads are around...and do whatever they do......its rare I'm the organiser........

I noticed this when Annie gave out that i never went out with her....i was like WTF......but because she'd never suggest anything, we never did anything....cos id just go along with whatever...and if nothing was suggested id go home

Actually for future reference I've noted that because in a relationship, to keep the balance right, as the guy, you have to be more assertive and organise stuff.

Connor: Now I don't want to disagree with you here however I will say this. I think giving yourself an identity out of things you have done is the path to the dark side *oh the terror* !!!

Like your kinda giving yourself a self image to live up to. I mean if we take the last trip to Spain you were the one organising everything! I remember the last night me you and Jake were out you dragged us all into ferns and none of us were making any shapes to do anything. I don't keep track of these things but there are LOTS of examples of this I am sure and you could just as easily take those examples and say "I have much more get up and go than any of the rest of the lads"!

Mal: possibly....I'm not always in the background

Connor: its all subjective and I personally think its not in our best interests to make rationalised identities out of past actions

Mal: But i am passive....more so than lets say you or Ross would be

Connor: That's your conscious mind saying that.

Mal: true

Connor: I would have said I am more passive than you. Things are what they are. Sometimes you do things, sometimes you don't. If you start making an identity out of some your past actions you'll end up acting that way all the time.

Mal: true

Connor: Its all in your head like. We're all guilty of that. Ross is a perfect example... He pure just goes and makes up stories when there is a contradiction between what he has done and who he thinks he is.

Personally (not that I f*cking know anything really) I try to keep that to a minimum... Cos you are what you do, not what you think. The more you start thinking you are a certain way the more you will act that way and its more than likely based on nothing but faulty rationalisations. Then when you do something to contradict that you'll just give yourself a headache from all the cognitive dissonance.

Here is a good example. Back in Uni I told myself I was the type of guy who didn't show off right away to girls but as they got to know me more I would show them more of my personality <- I used to tell myself that. lol. complete nonsense! I was just shyte socially and rationalised out that little piece of brilliance so I had a good excuse.

Mal: yes but Connor...if i don't blame everybody else for what happens when I'm out, I'm left with the possibility that i might be somewhat responsible for what happens and that some of it may in fact actually be my fault....and that's just a ridiculous scenario!

Connor: LOL

Mal: So I'm going to keep on blaming everyone else and live happily ever after

Connor: I find you can get around that by shifting blame to your subconscious

Mal: Is my subconscious called Crazy Horse?

Connor: LOL! I don't think CH has a conscious. He just does stuff! Its mad though. Its like the logical me who thinks about stuff and then the animal me that actually does shit. The logical me just watches what happens and then goes "f*ck me... that was cool/ terrible, I wonder why i did that"

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If you look at something like the framing that CJ does, it follows a similar mechanism. You get the girl to give herself and identity out of something she has done in the past. Early in the interaction this may be that she is very friendly and laid back and about five minutes later it will be that she is very sexual.

I try my best not to do that to myself because the truth is we have no idea what we are doing, its pure subconscious behaviour patterns based on evolutionary benefits. When you rationalise it you will always try to make yourself seem nice and in control. We are but imperfect apes, we are afraid of the dark and we are afraid to die. We want to pass on our genes and we want our genes to survive. We are so lucky that we have a logical mind also, if we just use it to lie to ourselves its just a waste. Just try your best not to hurt anyone and have fun, you only live once.

If you're interested, these are some of the books that made me draw this conclusion

• The selfish gene
• The red Queen
• Tricks of the mind
• How your mind works
• The Blank Slate

I love in the Derren Brown clip where poor Judy is trying to rationalise why she picked 'A'. A for Awesome!

The attack of Blondzilla !

OK douches, let me set the scene

Myself, Jake, Mal and Ross all out rampaging through town like a hurricane of brilliance! We are all pretty toasted and find ourselves in a late bar. The time is 1am.

In walk the barmaids from our favourite bar! Then are on us immediately... COOL! They fucking love us for some reason. I am wearing a pretty faggoty top and they are all accusing me of being gay!? Can you believe it!? Well I strongly I disagree

"Look since when does fucking guys doesn't make you gay?!" I actually had a whole comedy routine about that but I digress...

Anyway I have no fucking clue what we were saying to them but somewhere in the haze of giggling and nonsense I spot her. Standing 6' 3" in heels, long blond hair and sexy secretary glasses... Blondzilla!!

Over I go, yak yak yak and all of a sudden we are sitting down on a couch and I am complimenting her on how smart she was. Then I told her I thought she was sexy and she should get away from me. Some time later I suggested we go back to my place to watch wedding crashers. Some serious resistance before getting into the taxi but I basically pushed her in and told the taxi driver to go! Had to give the whole "Look nothing is going to happen that we both don't want to happen bla bla bla" speech, this speech is quite effective in disapating negative feelings about the pull actually.

So into Chateau Connor we go... Of course I don't even own wedding crashers so we convened in my room to watch some video on youtube. Pushed her onto the bed and made out some. Stopped watched the video and slammed blondzilla back on the bed. She was towering over me. Pretty funny. Well Guess what!? I encountered a mountain of resistance to sex! Earlier in my career I would have gotten frustrated, pushed too hard and fucked it up... However after the previous nights revelations I was just thinking to myself.... "Well this chick is horned out of her mind and basically its a battle between me and her fucking hair brush so the odds are definitely with me, I am just going to wait this one out until she breaks"

And I am glad to say after a quick nap she did... and all of a sudden transformed in a Wild Cat of sexual desire! Lots of fun for Connor... yay!

She was actually a really cool girl too. Had a good laugh with her the next day... Didn't bother calling her again. Don't know why really, just couldn't be arsed I suppose.

Watching Star Wars here now (the old ones not the catastrophic nonsense that was the prequels). The story at its core revolves around a central character, Luke. Due to some seemingly random events a whole galaxy of wonder, adventure and possibility opens up in front of him. Love movies like that. Sometimes I kinda feel like that myself. Life is fun.

Connor

The "I have never" game!

So in order to take this game malarkey to the next level and what not I've been going out on my own lately. I highly recommend this to everyone! The hard part is making yourself leave the house but after that its all gravy!

So I was out on my own there Friday two weeks ago. The area I go to is kind of a hipish but not super crowded area and all of the bars close at 12 (which is awesome as I can go training the next day). Well I wandered into this bar restaurant place to warm up and get the palaver juices all nice and lucid! I spot chick sitting by her own... Over I go! BOOM disaster. Next one! Two chicks outside... BOOM they love me and invite me in to have drinks at their table with their flatmate. Rock and Roll !

So while in there they suggest playing this game called the "I have Never" game. Here are the rules...

1.) The game travels around the table clockwise in direction

2.) The nominated person makes a statement which may be true or false starting with the words "I have never.... ".

3.) Anyone who has actually done the previously suggested statement must drink a shot (this includes the person who suggested it if they have done it)

An example might be "I have never knocked one out in work" so anyone who has done that must do a shot... Here are some of the things the girls drank shots to

• Penetrating oneself with ones toothbrush (All admitted to this one)
• Penetrating oneself with ones hairbrush (All admitted to this)
• Having anal sex until one bled (Two here)
• Having sex with more than one person (Two of them did this)
• Masturbating in work (Only one here)

There was fucking worse shit than that which isn't even safe for this blog and I was sitting there thinking to myself "Holy fuck! Chicks are depraved !! AWESOME!!!". You see, I now understand, they are fucking horned up out of their minds for the most part! Remember that everyone, it will serve you well. Like, of course, I've heard people like CJ yak on about this before but there is nothing like first hand information.

Those particular ladies invited me to a party they were having the next night but I got laid elsewhere that night and hence didn't go. So stay tuned fuckers! Write up to follow!