Here is a conversation I had with Mal the other day on msn. Its interesting I feel and some important ideas (to my mind at least) were brought up. Mainly about giving ourselves identities and the futile nature of the rationalized self image. Started with Mal saying that he is generally passive and citing examples...
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Mal : i dunno.....generally not.....if on a wkd urself or Jake etc don't want to go out....ill just say...fair enough and see if the other lads are around...and do whatever they do......its rare I'm the organiser........
I noticed this when Annie gave out that i never went out with her....i was like WTF......but because she'd never suggest anything, we never did anything....cos id just go along with whatever...and if nothing was suggested id go home
Actually for future reference I've noted that because in a relationship, to keep the balance right, as the guy, you have to be more assertive and organise stuff.
Connor: Now I don't want to disagree with you here however I will say this. I think giving yourself an identity out of things you have done is the path to the dark side *oh the terror* !!!
Like your kinda giving yourself a self image to live up to. I mean if we take the last trip to Spain you were the one organising everything! I remember the last night me you and Jake were out you dragged us all into ferns and none of us were making any shapes to do anything. I don't keep track of these things but there are LOTS of examples of this I am sure and you could just as easily take those examples and say "I have much more get up and go than any of the rest of the lads"!
Mal: possibly....I'm not always in the background
Connor: its all subjective and I personally think its not in our best interests to make rationalised identities out of past actions
Mal: But i am passive....more so than lets say you or Ross would be
Connor: That's your conscious mind saying that.
Mal: true
Connor: I would have said I am more passive than you. Things are what they are. Sometimes you do things, sometimes you don't. If you start making an identity out of some your past actions you'll end up acting that way all the time.
Mal: true
Connor: Its all in your head like. We're all guilty of that. Ross is a perfect example... He pure just goes and makes up stories when there is a contradiction between what he has done and who he thinks he is.
Personally (not that I f*cking know anything really) I try to keep that to a minimum... Cos you are what you do, not what you think. The more you start thinking you are a certain way the more you will act that way and its more than likely based on nothing but faulty rationalisations. Then when you do something to contradict that you'll just give yourself a headache from all the cognitive dissonance.
Here is a good example. Back in Uni I told myself I was the type of guy who didn't show off right away to girls but as they got to know me more I would show them more of my personality <- I used to tell myself that. lol. complete nonsense! I was just shyte socially and rationalised out that little piece of brilliance so I had a good excuse.
Mal: yes but Connor...if i don't blame everybody else for what happens when I'm out, I'm left with the possibility that i might be somewhat responsible for what happens and that some of it may in fact actually be my fault....and that's just a ridiculous scenario!
Connor: LOL
Mal: So I'm going to keep on blaming everyone else and live happily ever after
Connor: I find you can get around that by shifting blame to your subconscious
Mal: Is my subconscious called Crazy Horse?
Connor: LOL! I don't think CH has a conscious. He just does stuff! Its mad though. Its like the logical me who thinks about stuff and then the animal me that actually does shit. The logical me just watches what happens and then goes "f*ck me... that was cool/ terrible, I wonder why i did that"
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If you look at something like the framing that CJ does, it follows a similar mechanism. You get the girl to give herself and identity out of something she has done in the past. Early in the interaction this may be that she is very friendly and laid back and about five minutes later it will be that she is very sexual.
I try my best not to do that to myself because the truth is we have no idea what we are doing, its pure subconscious behaviour patterns based on evolutionary benefits. When you rationalise it you will always try to make yourself seem nice and in control. We are but imperfect apes, we are afraid of the dark and we are afraid to die. We want to pass on our genes and we want our genes to survive. We are so lucky that we have a logical mind also, if we just use it to lie to ourselves its just a waste. Just try your best not to hurt anyone and have fun, you only live once.
If you're interested, these are some of the books that made me draw this conclusion
- The selfish gene
- The red Queen
- Tricks of the mind
- How your mind works
- The Blank Slate
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