My **100%** fool proof plan of action for the new year....

Just as the Greek God Poseidon had three prongs upon his mighty trident so too shall I have a 3 pronged plan of attack for the year ahead. 2009 must be beaten into submission and here are the areas of my life that I shall focus on...

The first and main focus of the year will be on pick up and general self improvement. I have not gone completely crazy into the pick up scene, going out 4 nights a week and ditching all my friends and such but none the less at my current rate of improvement, I reckon, it will take me another 2 years or so to get to the point I want to there.

All the guys, I spent my precious time writing about on the blog, have girlfriends or are resisting going out now. Yes readers, I know !! The absolute insubordination of it all!! 

Mal is loved up with some nurse and will probably be hard to pin down to go out for the first few months of the year, until he succumbs to alcoholism again. Ross is going out with this gorgeous and really cool chick, although knowing Ross he will find some reason to get rid of her soon enough. Oh and Jakey Jake is stone broke so I may not have their support in the first few months of the year. However on a good note, Crazy Horse (who is crazy by the way) may be moving to London for 9 months in March. This would help wonderfully because he is horny to the point of dementia and is always up for going out trying to pick up chicks. I think I might throw up a story about this guy soon enough actually... 

My next point of focus is going to be on Jiu Jitsu. I really let that slip last year and I want to get back on the horse here again good and proper. Somewhere over the rainbow I want to run my own BJJ school so I am going to have to cop the fuck on and hit this at least 3 days a week from now on! Oh and there is some other motivation to this too because as much as I like being a fat bastard I kinda prefer being in shape.

And lastly I need to figure out a new career path... I am utterly wasted in a shitty office job. The one I have is very easy and it's great for free time and allowing me to do other things but I can't spend too much more time there or I'll end up institutionalized. I don't want to wake up and all of a sudden I'll be 50 years old sitting behind some shitty desk wondering where it all went wrong.

Judging by the comments on this blog it would appear that I have about 5 readers now, lol... so I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all a Happy New Year! 

Office Parties

So I'm back home in Ireland, it's Christmas eve and I'm bored! I swear I am not going out or drinking while I am here. I am just going to catch up with some old friends and exercise in order to lose my newly acquired gut of glory. Obviously I'll have no stories to tell you guys as a result of this so I decided to regale you all with some past adventures I've had in the last 6 weeks of the year. Both of these are office parties.

See me and office parties with free alcohol are *NOT* a good combination! I absolutely cannot control myself at these things and invariably make a show of myself. 

Our company had two parties in the last month, the first was supposed to be a quiet affair at a London art gallery. Their first mistake was to serve free champagne all night, their second mistake was to serve free spirits all night. This was never going to be good for me. See at this very party in '07 I gained some notoriety around the office as I stuck my head into the chocolate fountain that was on display and went around getting the waitresses to lick it off my face as well as rubbing it onto other chicks. I also remember declaring to my boss how I hadn't done anything in over a month because I spent all my time staring at the new chicks ass. I was so blind drunk that I didn't even realise that she was standing beside the two of us that whole time... And you'd think I would get in trouble for that..... But no!!! Everyone in my department thought it was hilarious and so when this one came around they were all egging me on even before the thing started.

Actually as I left to go to the party I remember my boss saying to me 

"We're looking for a big performance from you tonight Connor! I want to hear all about in the morning."

Although he didn't hear about it from me the next morning (I realized I was still wasted while I was on my way to work and called in to take the day off) I certainly did not disappoint. Things immediately started off badly... for some reason one of the bartenders loved me and was absolutely THROWING Jack Daniels into me... like every time I saw the guy he was like... "OH MY IRISH FRIEND !! I've got a nice drink for you" and would proceed to pore me a fucking half bottle of jack mixed with a tiny dash of coke...

Like, when I get really shit faced two things happen to my mind. The first is that I think I am the coolest person in the world and the second is that I think everything is hilarious. Here is a brief recap of some of the things your ninja pick up hero Connor did that night...

• Nearly had sex with a *VERY* fat chick in a bathroom, this chick is at least 5 times as big as me... In fact I think she was trying to eat me
  
• While I was going around drinking wine (from the bottle I might add) I spilt drink all over one of the company VPs. When he asked for an apology I ever so eloquently informed him to "Fuck off you old bastard" <- I thought that was *very* funny at the time!
• Kicked over the ice statue they had created for the event (some hippy do-gooder caught it though, pussy!)
  
• While completely hammered I hit on EVERY chick in the place and because I am so awesome I didn't use *ANY* semblance of game or social calibration...

Oh and one other funny thing... At around 11pm HR told my friend Donie to "Get him the fuck home, NOW!". So he got a taxi and we got out at my house. He was only marginally better than I was and HE wanted to call hookers... Now, my avid readers, at this time I feel I must point out that I have never been with any prostitutes and I never want to! But in my drunken fury I was all like, "Sure duuuuuuuuuuuude thats the bestest idea ever!". 

So he called them with the address and then went outside to get some money... Sure enough as soon as he went outside I passed out cold. He had left his keys and his jacked in my apartment and when I woke up in the morning I had 27 voice mails on my phone... most to the tune of

"You better fucking wake up soon you fucker! It's cold outside and I don't know where I am... oh god please wake up... I fucking told you not to fall asleep!!!"

I didn't remember any of that last part but Donie informed me of it the next day. He told me he was wandering the streets outside for about 4 hours before he found something recognisable and made it home. The Voice mails confirmed his story. Serves him right for trying to call over whores ! Thank god we were too hammered to pull that little manoeuvre off. Actually even if they did come over there is no way either of the two of us could have done anything anyway! I would not like to have that on my conscience as well as the rest of the night... 

When I went in on the following Monday, I was fearing for my job. However all my managers and superiors were congratulating me like I was some sort of hero or some shit... They are some bunch of enablers!! Actually I am blaming them for everything that happened that night!

Well I'm too lazy to write any more so I'll have to leave the second office party for another night... It wasn't quite as bad as that one anyway

Happy Christmas

Connor out!

Mulled Awesome

So myself and the Jakemeister threw a little Christmas party in chateau Connor on Saturday night. Nothing too crazy just had a few friends and one or two random girls around. Well I, being quite the host, made mulled wine for our esteemed guests... I am not lying when I say this was probably my greatest invention ever! 

The potion consisted of 

4 x bottles of Red wine (a nice little roija)

4 x oranges (sliced thickly)

200 grams of brown sugar

4 x Cinnamon sticks and 

1 x bottle of gin for that little je ne sais qua

People loved it and the more they drained the sweet nectar the more I topped it up.... with vodka. By the end of the night the stuff was fucking rocket fuel... We went to a club after the party.  As I drank most of the mulled rocket fuel I have very little recollection of these events. Jake and his Girlfriend found me unconscious and bollock naked on the bathroom floor at 4am with the shower running. His Girlfriend said after the woke me up I walked straight past them without even acknowledging their existence. Due to my little sleep on the cold bathroom tiles I have come down with tonsil-fucking-itis. 

It was worth it just to let those salient flavours dance their sweet dance upon my tongue. 

Approaching during the day!

*** Disclaimer : I don't really know what the fuck I am doing so any advice anyone takes from me is at their own peril ***

Here are some of my musings on the topic

• Unless there is something situational to work on ( ie, getting the chick sitting next to you in a coffee shop to mind something for you while you use the bathroom or something, in a coffee shop queue asking her what's good ) I always go direct on the approach. 
  
• I never approach head on. 
  
• If they are standing still I come in from the front at an angle around 45 degrees or so, make eye contact asap. 
  
• If they are moving (I only approach girls who aren't in a rush) I always approach from behind.I walk up behind them, moving faster than them until I almost over take them. Then I reach out and touch them on their arm to stop them. The touch is soft but its clear I want them to stop. At this point I should be a little ahead of them. 
  

Heavy Death Stare eye contact... I then say "Hi...... This is kind of forward.... But I saw you walking past and I thought you were gorgeous/cute/sexy/whatever compliment and I wanted to meet you."

Now this will generally knock them for six... and they will look uncomfortable and take a few steps to leave. It took me a while to figure this out and its not because they don't like you... they are just fucking dumbfounded and think you are taking the piss. This *NEVER* happens to them. This is likely the first time *ANYONE* has been so forward in the middle of the day.

The next part is kinda counter-intuitive, well it is for me anyway. Because in a bar if a chick looks uncomfortable and is trying to escape its cos she doesn't fancy you that much yet and you have telegraphed too much interest so I generally tease them or call them out on it to get the attraction back again. Now in the day time the way to make them comfortable again is to barrage them with stupid questions.

ie after I say the above lines she will be motioning to go, then I'll say something along the lines of

Me: I'm Connor, whats your name ?

Her: um... *looking scared* my name is x

Me: Are you scottish or something? 

Her: No I'm from x.

Me: I had a cat from x. He was crazy! :P

Her: haha 

Me: So what are you doing up around here?

Her: Oh I was bla bla... 

Me: really? yeah cos I work just over there and I came up here to escape the madness in the office for a bit. I work for xxxx! I bet you are a teacher!

Her: haha, No why do you say that?

etc...

Now she realises you're for real and this isn't a wind up... You'll notice her facing you fully, coming closer to you, talking a lot more and getting trapped in the Death Stare. At this point when she loves me I'll say stuff like

"You know you are really cool to talk to, I am glad I came over to chat with you now... I was like nervous before but I knew I'd be kicking myself all day if I didn't say hello at least"

This will make her day... and its time to set up the date after that. The mistake I always make here (I f*ck this up day and night) is that I don't set a proper time and place. You need to set a real time and real place, for example... 

Me: "So how would you feel about going for a drink with me sometime?"

Her: "yeah that would be cool"

Me: "Well are you free tomorrow at 7? I know a really cool bar in london bridge...."

The other thing of note is that as always you have to be super fucking frosty cool to the extreme. Especially at the start, when she's unstable after the directness of the approach. If you show signs that you think this is awkward she will pick it up off you and you're toast.

I probably get numbers out of every 1 in 2 now (although it must be almost impossible to not give your number to someone after such a balls out approach in the day) and I *NEVER* have a bad interaction any more. 90% of the time I get thanked for stopping them.

Wednesday.....

Last night myself, Crazy Horse(who is crazy by the way) and Mal were out and about on the town. We were hanging out in this bar around central London. There wasn't many people out and there was pretty much NO chicks out at all. 

There is one cute Asian girl with some dude. There's nothing else about so I head on over to see what I can muster there. I have yet to actually steal a girl from her BF or date but I am going to do it someday, so watch out you fuckers! These two are actually pretty cool and we all hang with them for a bit.

Then this huge fat chick comes over and asks me where Mal is. She says he was looking at her and wants him to go up stairs with her, lol. Now to my surprise this girl was actually really cool! She was from Brazil and I love Brazilian accents, she also wasn't the usual disillusioned bitter miserable fattie like you generally find out in the bars. She was fun and putting herself out there! So myself and crazy horse chatted with her until Mal returned. She dived on Mal immediately. He blew her out pretty quickly and I have to say I felt for her a little. Its like, dude, I know what that feels like... So I vibed with her some more. After 10 more minutes she wants me and Crazy horse to come up and meet her pals... 2 other Brazilians! Why not!

Up we go into the unknown... One of her pals is hot, the other one looks something like fucking blanka from street fighter 2. Heinous!! I start talking with the hot one... careful to include the girl who Mal blew out cos I don't want her to feel bad (I like her) and, well, because I know this will earn me brownie points with the hot one. By the time I said "hello" Crazy Horse, who as he once told me only goes for the prime beef when it comes to women, had cornered Blanka and was trying to suck her face off... Watching Crazy Horse with women is hilarious... He is like a Tiger going for the kill, he has single focus once he locks onto his prey... The dude is so dominant that he just stares into submission. 

Well that made it a lot easier for me to get the hot one... So about 5 to 10 minutes later I start making out with her. At one stage she goes to check on her pal, the super cool fat chick, and I give her a good crack on the ass as she gets up to go... Dude she starts freaking out!! WTF?!? Who doesn't like having their ass spanked? I was shocked... so naturally I did it again as soon as she turned around.... Que more mayhem... I know this happened because I wasn't in a sexual frame with her.  Fuck! I am blaming the language barrier there

I had set a date for Tuesday but I don't think its going to happen now and I'm not particularly interested if she is that uptight. Its a pity I couldn't transfer the fat chicks personality into her body... but thems the breaks I suppose

Seriously! Who doesn't like havning their ass spanked?

Super !

Last Thursday I was out with my pal Crazy Horse (who, by the way, is crazy) and I executed an almost perfect Captain Jack pick up. Yes I know....thank you... thank you, please... stop it.... your embarrassing me!

There was four lovely ladies sitting at a table all by their lonesome. Being a chivalrous kind of fellow I rock on over to keep them company. So I start up with the usual palaver. After a few minutes of teasing and shit talking I am sitting down with them and in a little mini isolation with my preferred girl. About 10 minutes later I've got her on her own and am starting with the Sexual Frames and Dirty Talk... Of course she loves this because she is a girl, and girls, believe it or not.... like to get banged!! Amazing, right?

This was super on and she is cool so I stick with them until the bar closes... alas, logistics were against me and her pals dragged her off home. At this stage I had, however, already set up a date for the following Monday. 

Few texts in between to confirm and we can cut straight to Monday....

So I met her up at 7. She was still game.... awesome! Off we went to this cocktail place. I will be taking all Monday night dates there from now on. 2 for 1 drinks on a Monday and they do these ice cream cocktail things... yummy-fucking-licious and they'd blow the head off you unknownst to yourself. She was pretty much mauling me in there the whole time we were there and I figured it was time to get her home.  

So I got her back to the house after 3 cocktails. We were going to another bar but I had to "drop off my gym bag" at my place first... how convenient! When we got in Jakey (my housemate) was in his room studying for some exam or something. As soon as I got her into the bedroom, about 8:45, she went nuts! I was railing the shit out of her, pulling her hair and choking her and she was going bananas, screaming and shit. I put my hand over her mouth to shut her up but that made her worse! She was going mental... Delighted for Jakey, I hope that interrupted his study, should make up for the South African fiasco. 

By the way, she has massive boobs (which I also fucked) 34DD !! Oh yeah, she broke my c*ck too. She was sitting up on top of me going bezerk and in a haze of boobs and hair and SHE started choking ME !! It was awesome!! No wonder they like it so much. But then she went a little too mad and fucking busted up my penis a bit... I fucked her about 4 times over the night... Great body, think Kate Winslett from titanic with bigger boobs. 

And the best bit... So I fired on this song on itunes, "saeglopur" by sigur ros (now it transpires that itunes was actually on shuffle)... It was skipping around but I didn't really notice until I was doing her doggy and heard this monotone voice coming out of my speakers 

"Hi.... This is David Deangelo. Welcome to another session of interviews with dating gurus" 

LOL, I just left it play, she didn't notice. 

Awesome! 

Whats worse than getting blown out?

So I haven't been chatting up girls for a solid week. My lips were riddled with dirty cold sores for the last 10 days and I don't fucking care what anyone says I am not talking girls when I look like I've been making out with the easy chicks from the local leper colony.

"Oh but Connor, its good for practice anyway... Your value comes from within, man!"

Fuck off you hippies I don't care!

So today at lunch I decided to get myself back into the mix with a little day game. Needless the say I was nervous. I walked around for a while picking out girls who were potentials and then not talking to them. After about 20 minutes of this I knew I had to man up soon or run the risk of striking out altogether. Then I saw her... Sitting on a bench, eating her lunch. She was stunning, tall and slim, sallow skin and long brown hair. I had to try and talk with her at least.

OK I'm scared but I rock on over there anyway. At first I am too high energy, clearly nervous and she responds with little interest. Not going well! After a few minutes I start to get back into the grove of this again. It dawns on me... Chill the fuck out! I start to lean back on the bench beside her and begin talking more slowly and clearly. My eye contact is heavy now. She starts laughing at my jokes and meeting my eye contact head on. We talk about where we are from (Slovenia and Ireland), we talk about what we do, how we like England, snow men and lots of random other stuff... She is funny and smart. She is gorgeous, hotter than the usual type of girl I approach. All of a sudden I hear myself say

"Hey, I better get back to work soon... it was nice to meet you" 

She responds

"Thank you for coming to talk with me"

"Yeah I knew if I didn't I'd be kicking myself all day"

Then I stroll off... It hits me as soon as I get up! What the hell?!? Why didn't I suggest we meet for a drink or bounce her for a cup of coffee? What the in the name of holy fuck was I doing?? I can't say for definite if she would have agreed. But, man, why at least didn't I try? 

I feel bad now. Very disappointed in myself.. I know it was my first time doing it in a while and its hard if your not in the zone or whatever but this was a missed opportunity and now I feel terrible. What if we, like, fell in love and got married and had kids and lived happily ever after in the country? What if she was a sex fiend and wanted a new boy toy to have nasty sex with? What if she was loaded and wanted to be my sugar mama? 

I would MUCH rather have her tell me to get lost than have this shit hanging over my head!