Office Parties

So I'm back home in Ireland, it's Christmas eve and I'm bored! I swear I am not going out or drinking while I am here. I am just going to catch up with some old friends and exercise in order to lose my newly acquired gut of glory. Obviously I'll have no stories to tell you guys as a result of this so I decided to regale you all with some past adventures I've had in the last 6 weeks of the year. Both of these are office parties.

See me and office parties with free alcohol are *NOT* a good combination! I absolutely cannot control myself at these things and invariably make a show of myself. 

Our company had two parties in the last month, the first was supposed to be a quiet affair at a London art gallery. Their first mistake was to serve free champagne all night, their second mistake was to serve free spirits all night. This was never going to be good for me. See at this very party in '07 I gained some notoriety around the office as I stuck my head into the chocolate fountain that was on display and went around getting the waitresses to lick it off my face as well as rubbing it onto other chicks. I also remember declaring to my boss how I hadn't done anything in over a month because I spent all my time staring at the new chicks ass. I was so blind drunk that I didn't even realise that she was standing beside the two of us that whole time... And you'd think I would get in trouble for that..... But no!!! Everyone in my department thought it was hilarious and so when this one came around they were all egging me on even before the thing started.

Actually as I left to go to the party I remember my boss saying to me 

"We're looking for a big performance from you tonight Connor! I want to hear all about in the morning."

Although he didn't hear about it from me the next morning (I realized I was still wasted while I was on my way to work and called in to take the day off) I certainly did not disappoint. Things immediately started off badly... for some reason one of the bartenders loved me and was absolutely THROWING Jack Daniels into me... like every time I saw the guy he was like... "OH MY IRISH FRIEND !! I've got a nice drink for you" and would proceed to pore me a fucking half bottle of jack mixed with a tiny dash of coke...

Like, when I get really shit faced two things happen to my mind. The first is that I think I am the coolest person in the world and the second is that I think everything is hilarious. Here is a brief recap of some of the things your ninja pick up hero Connor did that night...

• Nearly had sex with a *VERY* fat chick in a bathroom, this chick is at least 5 times as big as me... In fact I think she was trying to eat me
  
• While I was going around drinking wine (from the bottle I might add) I spilt drink all over one of the company VPs. When he asked for an apology I ever so eloquently informed him to "Fuck off you old bastard" <- I thought that was *very* funny at the time!
• Kicked over the ice statue they had created for the event (some hippy do-gooder caught it though, pussy!)
  
• While completely hammered I hit on EVERY chick in the place and because I am so awesome I didn't use *ANY* semblance of game or social calibration...

Oh and one other funny thing... At around 11pm HR told my friend Donie to "Get him the fuck home, NOW!". So he got a taxi and we got out at my house. He was only marginally better than I was and HE wanted to call hookers... Now, my avid readers, at this time I feel I must point out that I have never been with any prostitutes and I never want to! But in my drunken fury I was all like, "Sure duuuuuuuuuuuude thats the bestest idea ever!". 

So he called them with the address and then went outside to get some money... Sure enough as soon as he went outside I passed out cold. He had left his keys and his jacked in my apartment and when I woke up in the morning I had 27 voice mails on my phone... most to the tune of

"You better fucking wake up soon you fucker! It's cold outside and I don't know where I am... oh god please wake up... I fucking told you not to fall asleep!!!"

I didn't remember any of that last part but Donie informed me of it the next day. He told me he was wandering the streets outside for about 4 hours before he found something recognisable and made it home. The Voice mails confirmed his story. Serves him right for trying to call over whores ! Thank god we were too hammered to pull that little manoeuvre off. Actually even if they did come over there is no way either of the two of us could have done anything anyway! I would not like to have that on my conscience as well as the rest of the night... 

When I went in on the following Monday, I was fearing for my job. However all my managers and superiors were congratulating me like I was some sort of hero or some shit... They are some bunch of enablers!! Actually I am blaming them for everything that happened that night!

Well I'm too lazy to write any more so I'll have to leave the second office party for another night... It wasn't quite as bad as that one anyway

Happy Christmas

Connor out!