I hear you're a racist now Father!

Father Ted VOST 1/2 are you right there father ted Culte !
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Myself and Mal hit the town last night after a couple of banter boosters (1 part vodka, 1 part soda water) and a few games of fight night on the PS3 down in his place. Ross was there too with his GF, who by the way is amazing. 

Well the two of us were hanging out in one of the bars when this semi cute Asian chick (I would definitely bang her but I wouldn't be running around showing her off or anything) and her pal walk over and start pointing at me.

Asian Girl: "That's the guy"

Friend of Asian Girl: "No he was taller"

Asian Girl: "No that was his friend!"

I'm like, hold on what the fuck is going on here? The Asian girl is trying to tell me she met me a a while back in a club... I have no recollection of this meeting. She says it was two weeks ago. I cast my mind back.... Nothing.... Oh actually I was out that night, documented here.

OK so that would explain why I don't remember talking to her... but I'm still not convinced.  She said I was with another Irish guy and we were hammered... Fine, I'll give her that one but I'm still not sold because I'm sure there was a good few people matching that description around. Then she says

"You kept feeling me up and then telling me to stop trying to sleep with you. Then you told me you hate Asians but that I'm a sweetheart"

Me and Mal immediately burst out laughing... I would be surprised if there is anyone else in London daft enough to say something like that. She said she thought it was hilarious. Then I'm like 

"Look I don't hate Asians... just the Chinese... and the Koreans actually.... and the Japanese for that matter"  

"What about the Vietnamese?"

"Oh yeah those too!"

She is laughing her head off and telling me that she remembered my cute smile too. I get her number, kiss her, dry hump her and leave.

On a side note I talked to 4 groups of girls, got 4 numbers, all coming on a date with me on Monday. I would think two of them may actually sleep with me and Mal beat me twice on fight night even though I was killing him in one of the fights and the stupid ref stopped it... I was fucking FINE ref !!! Not a bad night all in all. 

PS The second part of that Fr. Ted episode is here if you're interested

PPS I'm not a racist, I just hate the Dutch !

Inside the mind of Crazy Horse

I got an email from Crazy Horse earlier this morning. 

I met a former boss earlier this morning to catch up. He told me about the guy who used to be the head of our IT department when I was with xxxxxx.  He cracked up about my response.

 "John has been through quite a rough patch but seems to be doing well now that he has the new company set up."

"Really, what happened?"

"First, his dog passed away. Then the old company went under. He got hired by JP Morgan but got laid off. His wife of X number of years came out to him that she was gay and leaving him for another woman."

"Wow, that sux about the dog."

LOL I am sure he was 100% serious about the dog comment. Friday again, fucking hell! Where's time going to at all?

Have a good weekend !

Update to the Office Party Story

I met one of the guys from work today, who I hadn't seen since the last office party. This is how the conversation went

Connor: "Hey dude! I haven't seen you since that office party at the start of December"

Barry: "haha, I'm surprised you remember!"

Connor: "Yeah I was pretty hammered alright"

Barry: " Pretty hammered? Jesus when I was talking to you we were right beside all the senior management team. You knocked back one of your drinks and then just threw the glass on the floor. When it didn't break you stamped on it and smashed it. The VPs were all staring over at you in shock and you just stared back at them and threw your arms up in the air screaming  'Are you not entertained? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED !?!' like Maximus from Gladiator.

The next time I saw you you were trying to breakdance in the middle of the dance floor with one of the girls from HR."

I honestly don't know whether I should be proud or ashamed. At least one good thing about this global recession is that we probably won't be having any more of those this year.

Just like Rocky IV!

Holy fuck, I don't know where to start with this one! My whole week up to Saturday was pretty awesome. I hit all my targets for the week... Friday I timebridged the two hottest girls in the venue, one right in front of her BF (girls are very mischievous it transpires). On a side note the one with the BF flaked on me and the other one I fucked up on the phone. D'Oh ! Anyhoo, on with the story. So on Saturday Ross, who true to form has decided that he is going to the states and try to get into a porno, told us all he had flaneagled a way to get us into a swanky Kensington night club for free and knew lots of really hot girls that were going also... Sounds awesome!

Now by the time we get there I am lightly toasted after a few aperitifs and had done a couple of mediocre pick up attempts in the bar beforehand (One of the girls was really nice but we got separated by her pals after 10 or 15 minutes and I hadn't got her number by then, fiddlesticks!). So in we go to this club anyway except hold on a second... Ross's contact had been telling some fibs and we can't get in for free at all! 20 scoring pounds each, brilliant! 

The next surprise that awaited me was the price of the alcohol in there. I can only assume the management had gotten hold of my, hastily thrown together, new years resolutions list. Because not only did it cost £20 to get into this shit hole but it cost £10 for a shot of vodka. They must have known I was trying to drink less.... How amazingly thoughtful of them.

We did some mathematics and decided it would be cheaper to buy a whole bottle of vodka (by the way my healthy tip for the year is to drink vodka, soda water with some a little squeeze of lime juice, delicious and low in calories) rather than pay for individual drinks. Plus we got a table when we bought the bottle so it was win win really. At this point all 4 of us are stone broke, huddled around our expensively priced table closely guarding our delicious treasure. All of a fucking sudden some drunken tool came crashing through the crowd, like a paraplegic out of a wheelchair, sending two ugly chicks flying out of the way and entering on a crash course with our table ! BOOOM!!! Time fucking slows down as glass shatters everywhere, it's like the fucking matrix. Instincts kick in and I dodge the shrapnel and dive through the air plucking the bottle of vodka from the sky!! Everyone is amazed as I hold the bottle above my head like I just knocked out George St Pierre with my pinky! Can you say NINJA? 

I'm delighted with myself at this stage and just to make me feel even better the waitress wants to give us a new table and asks us which one we want, suggesting she will clear any other people! I think this is the best thing ever and strut over to a table of girls and simply demanded that they BE GONE ! So I'm shouting at these chicks

"GONE! All of you GONE !!!"

Then turning to the waitress 

"I want these chicks out of here, NOW!"

And the fucking waitress is actually getting rid of them! I can't believe it! This must be what its like to be rich and powerful. I like it!

These chicks are pissed and moaning but I am having none of it! 

"Out of here paupers, I can SMELL the poverty off you"

Sure enough what fucking happens next only one of them spots Ross....

"Ross!"

"Cathrina!"

Oh! So these are the girls we are supposed to meet tonight...  NINJA!

So bad it was actually brilliant

It's FRIDAY !!!

FUCK YEAH, almost time to get out of here!

Even God himself couldn't stop me getting blasting into a super hottie this weekend.... 

YOU HEARD ME JEBUS ! I'd like to see you try, you fucking hippie

How long will he last?

Ross reckons he is staying off drink for the next 6 weeks. Myself and Mal thought that very amusing and immediately started making bets as to how long he would last. We couldn't actually bet though because none of us reckon he will last past this Saturday. Ross is brilliant with girls, he really does go after and routinely get the 9s and 10s (looks wise anyway)... however without the aid of severe inebriation he is almost useless. He has no idea what he does to get them. Oddly enough I know exactly what he does and why it works but that's cos I've been studying attraction for a good while now. 

Mal and himself were having an old chinwag on msn there today and it went a little something like this...

"I'm going for a long lunch soon…gym…then swim and a sauna…legs are sore after running the last 2 nights,  then out for a few beers tonight"

his reply was

"What!?! All them dead calories and money thrown away and hangovers and wasting the next day and a lie in and bubbles and the cool crisp taste and the banter juices flowing through your veins and the laughter and happiness and the world being full of single women and I am good looking and strong and fast and my jokes are amazingly funny and i love breasts especially those shiny tanned ones and wow i like pizza too and facebook is the best isn't it and yeah i live that way too and sure why not share a taxi and of course i won't try anything if you come in for a quick night cap and I know you didn't plan on doing this when you got in that cab and yes i realise you clearly don't usually do this with guys you meet on the first night and I'm not sure if i have any left and sure I'll pull it out in time and oops and zzzz and before you go you wouldn't mind just... and get up your taxi's here and take care now and zzzz and lads it was so funny, she thought my name was "Sebastian" the whole night! and yes defo on for a few for the Utd game....

I AM SO FRICKEN JEALOUS!!! RAAAAAAAGGGHH!!"

No *WAY* he will last past Saturday !

Awesome !

The African and middle eastern section on the bbc news website are always a treasure trove of comedic brilliance...

This one is *amazing*. Some vigilante legends  in Nigeria tracked down a car jacker who used "witch craft" to turn himself into a goat. The crafty bastard! But not crafty enough as the would be heros turned the goat over to the police and the police held the suspect over night !!! You could not make that shit up!

Which ever one of the vigilantes figured out that the thief transformed himself into a goat and somehow managed to convince the others deserves special praise I feel.  

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7846822.stm

I have this image of the whole mob nervously approaching the goat with guns drawn, fearing for their own well-being.  Circling the demon servant of Satan, car-thief turned goat as it is chewing its cud staring at them in bemusement.