This one is from 2006 actually but Crazy Horse(who is crazy by the way) has been reading this lately and I'm afraid he may physically harm me if I don't talk about him more.
I was over in NYC staying with Crazy Horse. It was the last full day of my visit and I had just returned to costa del Crazy Horse at 3pm where he was diligently working from home.
Connor : "Word"
Crazy Horse: "Jesus Christ I am swamped here, so much to get done"
Connor : "Wanna get hammered?"
Crazy Horse: "LETS DO IT!"
Then crazy horse came out with possibly the greatest suggestion ever.
"I'll break out some of my old kung fu movies and every time someone dies we have to do a shot!"
We both thought this was fucking genius and immediately selected the shot of choice, baileys and brandy. Then we fired up the first movie, I think it was "The 5 deadly venom's" or something. Well whatever it was about 1,000 people died in the first 5 minutes. By the end of the movie both the bottle of baileys and the bottle of brandy were gone.
Cut to 5pm and Crazy Horse is swinging his horse chopper (basically a kung fu staff with a MASSIVE fucking blade attached to one end of it) around the room like a maniac. I am sure in his mind it's with perfect form but this fucking thing is swooshing past my face. And, like, I am so ossified, I am just sitting there delighted with this, clapping like a retard, about 5 inches from having my head cut off.
Next thing CH remembers that he has to go meet his fiance at 5:30 for dinner. Like Frodo and Sam we get our shit together and head for the hills. Now its still the middle of the day and the two of us are completely blasted. We enter this restaurant in a blaze of glory, like the 5 deadly venom's themselves. I am high fiving all the patrons and the staff and crazy horse is struggling for balance demanding wings and Manhattans (which we both hate). Crazy Horses fiance makes a very good decision to get rid of us ASAP and swiftly calls our friend Paul (who is gay) and pawns us off on him.
Now the next thing I remember is being in some bar in the middle of Manhattan with Paul and
Crazy Horse. By 9pm I had robbed a life sized card board cut out of some dude for a lottery advert and Crazy Horse had tried to start 2 fights and had gotten the number of 1 (probably heinous) barmaid. Obviously Paul, being of sane mind, is trying to escape from us and figures there's one place where we won't follow him... THE GAY BAR !
On hearing of Paul's impending escape plan Crazy Horse was outraged!
"Where the fuck are you going?"
"To the gay bar, OK?"
"I WANT to go to the gay bar!"
I had never been in a gay bar and I was like, fuck it... I'll go! So we meet up with Paul's friend Freddie (who is flaming gay and hilarious) and off we go. I have to tell you I was sorely disappointed by this place. It was basically just a cool bar that was 90% full of guys. I was expecting it to be fucking crazy with Madonna or Gwen Stefani blaring and guys running around with Tom Selek moustaches in assless chaps trying to hump everything that moved.
We immediately start on the shots. I am so hammered I buy a bottle and immediately smash it on the floor. The bar tender just hands me another one and now I'm thinking this is the greatest place ever! I've recently been listening to Electric 6 and after another few rounds of shots and I'm dancing on the spot like Mugatu screaming at all the gays
"YOU......I've got something to put in you.... In the gay bar, gay bar !"
Picking out random dudes and shouting at them
"YOU....Have you got any money?"
"Um..."
"I want to spend all your money... "
Of course what happens next... Some queen (not my words) tries to start a fight with Freddie for some reason or another. This guy clearly wasn't counting on Freddie having a crazed hetro friend in the place who is a 2 time golden gloves champ. Quick as a flash our drunken hero Crazy Horse takes up the quest and beings to smash this guy. About 5 minutes later the whole lot of us are cast out and banned from setting foot in there again.
I wake up the next morning face down on Crazy Horses floor with his dog humping my head. Crazy Horse was comatosed on his couch... Slowly he came to. We looked at each other for a minute or two.... what the hell happened yesterday?
Connor: "Were you swinging that fucking horse chopper around in here yesterday?"
Crazy Horse: "I think so"
Connor: "Crazy Horse, were we in a fucking gar bar last night?"
Crazy Horse: "SHIT! I think so"
Connor: "Did we get kicked out?"
Crazy Horse: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Paul didn't talk to Crazy Horse for about 2 months after that although Freddie thought he was his personal knight in not so shining armour.
Not one gay in the gay bar even tried to chat me up... Pitiful!
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