The man with no shame!

So the whole crew was out last Friday for a portion of revelry seasoned with a little pinch of devilment. A shit heap of Irish girls that Jake knows were there also. These girls were actually pretty cool although not the most attractive collection of females I've ever seen. In fact if I was being an asshole, I would say they were completely fucking wrecked! And, of course, I am going to be an asshole for the duration of this story (makes for a more amusing reading experience I find). Right, also in attendance was a guy Mal knows, from Northern Ireland, and his pal who shall be named Frank!

We all went to this place called Abacus around the Banking district. It was my first time in the venue. Fucking carnage! By 7pm its a full scale disco meat market, complete with drunken wanna-be bankers and truck loads of Essex chicks looking to bag a rich guy. As Ross pointed out, these are not the type of girls you'd be going on dates holding hands with. 

So everyone is happy out! Ross is trying to look cool (and pulling it off), Mal is knocking back the drinks (and pulling it off with great aplomb), I'm off rapping with a couple of girls (not doing too badly at all) and Jake is keeping the beasties company (like a true professional). It's right then that I notice something very peculiar happening... Out of the corner of my eye I see Frank and one of the Irish girls (the one who Mal was referring to as The Whale). I have to check twice cos I just can't believe my eyes... Frank is sucking the fucking face off her!! In plain fucking view of all of us!! I am shocked. Frank is a good looking guy and the whale is well a whale... A great Leviathan, at least 1200lbs with eyes like steel, cold and hard. A great shock of hair she had, red like the fires of hell. 

Now don't get me wrong I've scored plenty fat girls in my day (and will again) but NEVER in front of the lads or anything! I'm thinking, this guy is a fucking disgrace... Mauling this chick in plain view of everyone, shameless! 

But then I started thinking about it... Frank clearly doesn't give a fuck what we think about him. Fair play to him. He wanted to do it... so he did it! Ingenious. The sheer brazenness of it was liberating! Like if I was out with a group of guys I didn't know, I'd be pretending to be cool for the first while. Franko, my new hero, didn't even give it a second thought! He is like the anti-Ross, who is constantly overwhelmed with concern about what others might be thinking about him. And let that be a lesson to all of you. Who cares what anyone else thinks as long as you are happy (and not hurting anyone else obviously). 

Later that night we switched venues. The Whale was literally trying to eat Frank... Mal was going to ask if she wanted some sprinkles. I do mean literally by the way. I saw lots of biting. Now Jake being the sweet guy that he is obviously didn't want Frank to feel bad about what he was doing and so flung himself upon the sword and started to maul another one of the beasties. I named this one the Riddler, as she bore an uncanny resemblance to the character, of the same name, in Batman Forever when his face started to morph at the end. Good work also! 

I met the most amazing girl in the second venue by the way. Not the best looking I've ever seen but her personality was amazing... So much fun to be around! It was one of those great situations where she had a BF and was applying some advanced girl logic. She wouldn't kiss me but she was completely fine with me molesting the bejeesus out of her. She was only in town that night so I won't be seeing her again. I probably could have gotten back to the hotel her and her pals were staying in but I had to be up very early to go to Manchester with Mal (I'll write about that tomorrow) and would need to be guaranteed sex to forgo sleep. 

Anyway... The moral of this story is that whenever I have a decision to make from now on I will ask myself... 

"What would the shameless man do?"

Then I will make out with a fat chick!

PS I am an asshole for calling those girls names like that, they were actually very nice. I got on quite well with them all and I generally *HATE* Irish chicks. Don't worry, I do feel bad about it and I got my comeuppance the following day. Although two of them got sex that night and I didn't... the bitches!